>> Stephen: WELCOME,
EVERYBODY, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND LET ME JUST SAY-- YES, SIR-- LET ME JUST SAY HAPPY FRIDAY,
EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
THIS WEEKEND, I'M FEELING IT.
THIS IS GOING TO BE A GREAT WEEKEND TO GRAB SOME BURGERS AND
BEERS AND HAVE A BARBEQUE, ONCE YOU'VE SOLD A KIDNEY TO AFFORD
THOSE BEERS AND BURGERS, BECAUSE INFLATION IS STILL RUNNING
RAMPANT.
COSTS ARE SO HIGH THAT OUR NEW FAVORITE GAME SHOW IS
"THE PRICE IS WHAT?!"
( APPLAUSE )
PEOPLE ARE ESPECIALLY FEELING THE PAIN AT THE GROCERY STORE.
REPORTERS ARE THAT SOME SHOPPERS ARE SAYING THE PRICE OF A BULK
PACK OF TOILET PAPER HAD SURGED FROM $17 TO $25.
THAT'S CRAZY.
I REMEMBER RECENTLY WHEN TOILET PAPER WAS AFFORDABLE.
EVEN DURING THE FIRST FEW WEEKS OF THE PANDEMIC, ALL YOU
NEEDED WAS SEVEN BUCKS AND THE WILLINGNESS TO BODY-CHECK THE
OLD LADY REACHING FOR IT INTO THE CALGON DISPLAY.
JUST THROW A BOW.
I GOT KIDS!
( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, NOWHERE ARE PRICES HIGHER THAN IN AIRPORTS.
A RECENT INVESTIGATION CONFIRMED THAT AIRLINE CUSTOMERS HAVE PAID
AS MUCH AS $27 FOR A BEER AT LAGUARDIA.
PROVING THAT PEOPLE WILL PAY ANY AMOUNT TO KILL THE FEELING OF
BEING AT LAGUARDIA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
APPARENTLY-- COME VISIT.
COME VISIT NEW YORK.
APPARENTLY, THE AMOUNT TRAVELERS PAID FOR A BEER VARIED BETWEEN
$23 ABD $27, DEPENDING ON THE SIZE OF THE BEER.
WHAT SIZE ARE THESE SUPPOSED TO BE?
FOR $27, I WANT A CAN TOO BIG TO FIT IN THE OVERHEAD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE ECONOMY IS NO DOUBT GOING TO BE A MAJOR TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
THIS WEEKEND AT DAVOS THE ANNUAL CONFERENCE THAT BRINGS TOGETHER
BILLIONAIRES AND POLITICAL LEADERS AT A SWISS SKI RESORT
WHERE THEY ADDRESS CRITICAL CONCERNS, INCLUDING WEALTH
MANAGEMENT, CLIMATE CHANGE, AND MORE.
AND IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF DAVOS, YOU PROBABLY PAY TAXES.
AND THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE A SKOOTCH DIFFERENT BECAUSE, FOR
THE FIRST TIME, THE DAVOS LINEUP WILL FEATURE PSYCHEDELIC
SHAMANS.
OH, GOOD!
JUST WHAT BILLIONAIRES NEED: A LOOSER GRIP ON REALITY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THOUGH, I WILL SAY THIS, THEY-- HI, ELON!
THOUGH, I'M NOT SURPRISED BILLIONAIRES TAKE MIND-BENDING
DRUGS.
ITS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN POSSIBLY EXPLAIN CHOOSING THIS
GOATEE, THAT COWBOY HAT, AND THIS HAIRCUT.
HEY, BUDDY!
THESE MIND-BENDING EXPERIENCES WILL BE LEAD BY A VARIETY OF
SPEAKERS THROUGHOUT THE WEEK, INCLUDING SYLVIA BENITO, WHO HAS
DEEP EXPERTISE IN AYAHUASCA AND HAS EXPERIENCE MANAGING FAMILY
INVESTMENTS.
I'M HOPING AT THE SAME TIME.
( LAUGHTER )
SWEAT YURT TO GO OVER YOUR PORTFOLIO.
WE SPLIT YOUR INVESTMENTS BETWEEN HIGH-YIELD STOCKS,
MEDIUM-YIELD BONDS, AND THE SENSE MEMORY OF YOUR WRONGED
ANCESTORS, WHO WILL APPEAR TO YOU AS A WOLF WITH YOUR FATHER'S
VOICE.
NOW WALK WITH ME INTO THE FIRE, WHERE WE SHALL ITEMIZE YOUR
DEDUCTIONS!"
( APPLAUSE )
AYAHUASCA.
ANYBODY DONE THE AYAHUASCA OVER THERE?
NO?
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
SPEAKING OF RICH PEOPLE-- I'M NOT A NARC.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY.
SPEAKING OF RICH PEOPLE, IF YOU INVESTED ALL YOUR MONEY IN
CRYPTO, YOU ARE NO LONGER RICH PEOPLE, BECAUSE OVER THE PAST
FEW WEEKS CRYPTOCURRENCIES HAVE MELTED DOWN IN A PERFECT STORM
OF FEAR AND PANIC.
WHICH ARE THE TWO EMOTIONS I FEEL WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO
EXPLAIN THE BLOC CHAIN TO ME.
HOW BAD IS IT?
LAST WEEK MORE THAN $200 BILLION WAS WIPED OFF THE CRYPTOCURRENCY
MARKET IN ONE DAY.
OR TO PUT IT IN THE KIND OF TERMS CRYPTO INVESTORS
UNDERSTAND: "THREE AND A HALF APE CARTOONS DROWNED IN A TWEET
TOKEN OF NON-FUNGIBLE DROPS."
( LAUGHTER )
OF CRYPTO THAT WERE DESIGNED TO BE STABLE, LIKE TERRA, WHICH WAS
SUPPOSEDLY PEGGED TO THE U.S.
DOLLAR.
BUT THEN, IN THE WAKE OF THE CRASH, SUDDENLY "UNPEGGED"
ITSELF.
NOW, A WORD TO THE WISE: DO NOT GOOGLE "SUDDENLY UNPEGGED."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU WILL NOT LEARN ABOUT CRYPTO.
YOU WILL LEARN OTHER THINGS, WHICH YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO
UNLEARN.
NOW, I WANT TO BE CLEAR HERE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE INVESTMENT ADVICE FROM ME.
I'M A CLOWN.
I MAKE JOKES.
FARTS ARE FUNNY-- HA-HA.
I'M NO FINANCIAL PLANNER.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE DOW.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE DOW IS MADE OF.
DOWLINGS?
DOWTONS?
IS THAT WHAT THEY KEEP IN THAT ABBEY?
BUT I DO KNOW THAT A BIG PART OF THE APPEAL OF CRYPTO WAS THAT IT
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A COOL, NEW ALTERNATIVE TO THE STOCK MARKET.
STOCK MARKET GO DOWN, CRYPTO GO UP, LIKE GOLD.
BUT NOW RESEARCHERS ARE SAYING THAT CRYPTO PRICES ARE MOVING IN
TANDEM WITH TRADITIONAL MARKETS.
SO YOUR FAKE MONEY CAN DISAPPEAR AT THE SAME TIME AS YOUR REAL
MONEY?
THAT'S LIKE GETTING DUMPED BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND YOUR
SEX DOLL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SEE-- AND I DON'T-- I DON'T BLAME HER.
I DON'T BLAME HER.
MAINTENANCE.
SEE, THIS IS HOW CRYPTO EVIDENTLY WORKS IS SOMEBODY
MAKES UP FAKE MONEY, AND SOME EARLY PEOPLE COME IN EARLY AND
BUY IT.
BUT LOTS OF OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO THEN BUY IT.
AND THEY HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO BUY IT AND THE PRICE
GOES UP.
ONE OF THE REASONS MANY OF THOSE LITTLE PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT CRYPTO
IS BECAUSE OF THE BARRAGE OF CELEBRITIES WHO ENDORSED IT.
BUT, STRANGELY, NOW THAT THE CRYPTO MARKET HAS CRASHED,
THEY'RE STAYING PRETTY QUIET.
IN FACT, WHEN REACHED FOR COMMENT, THERE WAS NO RESPONSE
FROM MATT DAMON, LEBRON JAMES REESE WITHERSPOON, PARIS HILTON,
MILA KUNIS, AARON RODGERS TOM BRADY, OR GWYNETH PALTROW.
WHEN WILL WE AS A SOCIETY LEARN TO STOP BUYING THINGS FROM
GWYNETH PALTROW?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I FEEL SO BAD FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE...
( APPLAUSE ).
I FEEL FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO JAMMED THAT ETHERIUM
UP BEHIND THEIR PERINEUM.
LOOJ WITH HER JADE EGG.
THERE'S ALSO-- IS THIS AUSTRALIA?
THERE'S NEWS OUT OF AUSTRALIA.
THEY HAVE A BIG ELECTION COMING UP, AND THE STAKES ARE HIGH FOR
CONSERVATIVE PRIME MINISTER AND BULLFROG THINKING ABOUT THE FLY
WHO GOT AWAY, SCOTT MORRISON.
EVER SINCE MORRISON WAS ELECTED, THE AUSTRALIAN P.M. HAS BEEN
DOGGED BY SCANDALS ABOUT EVERYTHING FROM ALLEGATIONS OF
RACISM TO HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH A PROMINENT QANON CONSPIRACY
THEORIST.
THAT'S NOT GOOD.
OF COURSE, DOWN THERE, POLITICIANS' REPUTATIONS GO DOWN
THE DRAIN COUNTER-CLOCKWISE.
( LAUGHTER )
LAST YEAR, THE PRIME MINISTER WENT ON THE RADIO TO DENY THAT
HE'D EVER POOPED HIS PANTS AT McDONALD'S.
( LAUGHTER )
HIM OF IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NO SURPRISE-- SCOTT'S REELECTION CAMPAIGN HASN'T BEEN GOING
THE BEST.
SO HE LAUNCHED A REBOOT THIS WEEK TO GET SOME GOOD PRESS,
WHICH BRINGS US TO THE LATEST MORRISON NEWS:
"AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER SCOTT MORRISON TACKLED A CHILD TO THE
GROUND DURING AN ELECTION PHOTO-OP."
LET'S GO TO THE TAPE: >> OH!
>> Stephen: YEAH.
TO WHICH HIS CAMPAIGN RESPONDED: "CAN WE GO BACK TO THE
McDONALD'S POOPING THING?" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS SEBASTIAN STAN.
AND I'LL BE GIVING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO ONE MR. SHAQUILLE
O'NEAL.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
STICK AROUND.