-Thank you very much!
Hello! [ Cheers and applause ]
And welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone.
Thank you for watching. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you for being here.
Well, guys, big news in Washington today as Congress
finally passed the $1.9 trillion COVID relief package.
That's right! [ Cheers and applause ]
Most Americans are thrilled the bill passed.
In fact, President Biden is so amped, he just bit his dog.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, this bill is huge.
It's $1.9 trillion.
That's like a dollar for every e-mail you got this year
that started with, "in these challenging times."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, tomorrow, President Biden will deliver
his first prime-time address
to mark the one-year anniversary of the COVID shutdown.
Yeah, one year ago today, many Americans left
half a sandwich in their office like,
"Eh, I'll get it tomorrow." [ Laughter ]
Yep, Biden's very busy.
Yesterday, he visited a local hardware store
that received a small-business loan.
And I thought his conversation
with the owners was pretty interesting.
Take a look at this video.
[ Laughter and applause ] What?
Later in the conversation, this happened.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I just found it odd, but then he left them with this.
[ Laughter and applause ]
What's he talking about?
What?
Some business news here.
I saw that 7-Eleven is adding something new to its menu,
and judging by the reactions, it should be a huge hit.
-7-Eleven is adding a new item to its hot-food lineup --
fish bites.
-Fish bites.
-I just think that's a bad idea.
-I have a very sensitive stomach, so I just get worried.
I'm like, "Ooh, I don't know."
-I have never been one to do fast-food fish.
-This isn't even fast-food fish.
This is 7-Eleven!
[ Laughter ]
-When the fish bites were added to the hot-food case,
a 50-year-old taquito was like, "Welcome to hell, bitch!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
I know they've been busy, but how does the CDC
let this slip through the cracks?
You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
But this is nice. If you order the fish bites,
they just automatically hand you the bathroom key.
[ Laughter ]
Actually, I'd rather eat the bathroom key.
[ Laughter ] Hey, well, this is cool.
I saw that yesterday Timbaland and Swizz Beatz
sold the streaming platform Verzuz to Triller.
I feel like that sentence might be a little confusing
if you don't know what those things are,
so here, let's test that theory out.
It's time for "Tell a Grandparent."
♪ -Tell a grandparent ♪
-Now, we arranged for one of our staff members' grandparents
to join us on Zoom so we could tell them
the news and get their reaction.
Bob and Margaret, are you there?
-Hi, Jimmy.
-Thank you for joining us today.
Are you ready for your news?
-Sure.
-Alright, yesterday, Timbaland and Swizz Beatz
sold streaming platform Verzuz to Triller.
-I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?
[ Laughter ]
-Sure.
Timbaland and Swizz Beatz sold
streaming platform Verzuz to Triller.
-You think that's news?
Call us back when Jay-Z sells Tidal to Clubhouse.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Oh!
-What? What?
I didn't -- That didn't go how I planned.
[ Laughter ]
Did they dab at the end?
Over in New Jersey, I read about an Amtrak worker
who is being accused of stealing some interesting equipment.
Listen to this.
-An Amtrak engineer from New Jersey is accused of
stealing 77 chain saws, 103 chain-saw bars,
and 163 chains from Amtrak.
[ Laughter ]
-Luckily, he'll have no problem in jail.
They're like, "What are you in for?"
"Stealing chain saws."
[ Laughter ]
Every birthday, his wife looks at her gift box like,
"Let me guess -- another chain saw."
[ Laughter ]
"Put it in the closet with the other ones."
And, finally, a lot of people are talking about a TikTok
that shows off one family's DIY quarantine project.
Watch this.
-During quarantine,
my husband built a video rental store in our basement.
Instead of refinishing our kitchen cabinets,
he decided to build a video rental store.
[ Laughter ]
-Meanwhile, their friends are like, "I'm starting to think
that GoFundMe wasn't to help with their mortgage."