So...
So, I-I went on a date with this girl.
I went maybe six or seven dates with her.
And I took her out to one of those tasting menu restaurants.
You know, those fancy restaurants, Michelin-star thing,
where there's, like, 11 or 12 courses. This is a good move.
For any young fella out there who wants to take a girl out,
take them to a tasting menu,
because if you're like me,
I eat my food too quick, and then I've got to sit there
and watch them try to, you know...
Then I think, "How much of that am I gonna get to eat?" You know?
And if you go to a tasting menu,
the brilliant thing about going to a fancy restaurant is that
the conversation never stops.
Because there's so many courses that you can go,
"I liked that course.
I didn't like course number three,
but I enjoyed seven, so I wonder what's up next."
It's a good way of keeping things going.
-[laughter] -Now...
I tried to do...
I tried to do this routine in Kansas.
Very hard to explain...
[laughter]
...what a really good meal's like. They fucking...
They couldn't wrap their brain around it.
I was like, "You know when you go to one of those really fancy restaurants?"
[laughter]
And I went, "Think about the best meal you've ever had."
And then one guy yells out, "Ribs!"
And I was like,
"Yeah... Yeah, ribs are good.
[laughter]
But think of a meal that's even better than ribs."
And he thought about it and he went,
"Two ribs!" And I went, "Yeah."
[laughter]
So these restaurants...
they're pretentious as fuck, right?
Every-- Every dish includes a foam, a reduction,
and a mousse.
And there's always a quail's egg
and a truffle.
Always with a quail's egg. Why can't they use a fucking chicken egg?
[laughter]
Every time I go to the supermarket, I always go to the poultry.
I'm never like, "Oh, quail or chicken, what will we eat tonight?"
Where the fuck are they buying all the quails' eggs?
[laughter]
And come to think of it, I'm not sure...
if I've ever seen a quail.
[laughter]
I've never been out and gone, "Ah, fuck me, the quails are out tonight.
[laughter]
Better get the car in the garage, don't want it covered in quail shit.
fucking quails."
So it's always a reduction, a mousse, and a foam,
next to a quail's egg with a truffle on top.
And the first course is always called the amuse-bouche.
The amuse-bouche is never on the menu.
And what this is in fancy food is you eat that,
and that's meant to make you realize what the rest of the meal might be like.
It's to make you go, "Oh, we're eating.
Oh.
[laughter]
I get what's going on.
This is a small portion of bigger things."
It's like if before you came to the show,
you all went to a smaller comedy club tonight
and watched someone do a five-minute set.
So you could go, "I get what Jim's gonna do."
[laughter]
And there's always some French cunt who's the waiter.
[laughter]
I can say this on Netflix, the French are a bunch of cunts. I'm not sure if...
[laughter]
Are you even watching it?
-On your French Netflix? -[cheering]
[applause]
Anyway, so there's always a French fuck.
[laughter]
He walks out, and the first course is always served
on, like, a ceramic white spoon,
with the reduction, the mousse, and the foam,
and the quail's egg, and something on top.
And he walks up to you, and he's very patronizing, and he goes,
"Okay, now it's time for the amuse-bouche."
And then he goes, "The chef has prepared this for you."
And you always... you always nod along, like, "Oh, that's good, the chef,"
when you really should just be an asshole to him and just go,
"The chef, you say?
[laughter]
Did you hear that, honey? The chef's doing the cooking today.
[laughter]
I thought the busboy had just fucking stepped it up a gear, but fuck me,
I think we're in for a treat."
[laughter]
And then he has the audacity to tell you how to eat it.
He goes, "Uh, the chef recommends that you put the spoon in your mouth
and you eat it all in one bite,
and let the quail's egg
explode over the foam, the mousse, and the reduction,
and then you swallow."
"All right."
When you should really go,
"Thank fuck you came along, cunt.
[laughter]
I wouldn't have known what to do.
[laughter]
A spoon, you say?
A spoon? I would've..."
[laughter]
[chuckles]
So then you go through that,
then you get a couple more courses.