-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let me start by wishing everyone a very happy Thanksgiving! Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's right. We made it through Thanksgiving,
and if your guests are still over, just remind them
they shouldn't have been there in the first place.
[ Laughter ]
This was a very different Thanksgiving.
We all had to worry about whether our lives were at stake.
In response, turkeys were like,
"Aw, that must've been so hard for you."
[ Laughter and applause ]
I spent the day watching a lot of Thanksgiving stuff on TV.
There was the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
that we were in. That's right. [ Cheers and applause ]
"A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving."
And over on Netflix, my new favorite --
"The Queen's Giblet."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, today was Thanksgiving.
It was a big day for that one serving tray
everyone owns that has the word "thankful" written on it.
[ Laughter ]
We had a small Thanksgiving this year 'cause, in New York,
anything more than four people,
Governor Cuomo shows up to your house with a Taser.
[ Laughter ]
There were some things I missed about
having my entire family over, like my aunt showing up
with a two-liter bottle of Chardonnay.
[ Slurred ] "It's from the register at Trader Joe's.
It's good stuff."
[ Normal voice ] I also missed when my uncle opens
his seventh beer and is like, "So, still telling
your little knock-knock jokes on the TV?!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
But I ended up having a nice day, right up until my kids
said that they were most thankful for Daddy
going back to the office.
[ Laughter ]
And this is interesting.
I read that because of smaller gatherings this year,
a lot of Americans also wanted smaller turkeys.
When they heard that, all the turkeys who went keto this month
were like, "Man, that really backfired, huh?"
[ Laughter ]
That's right. Smaller turkeys were hard to find.
Today, pigeons in New York were like,
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
[ Laughter ]
It was fun cooking the turkey this year.
People checked whether it was done
by using one of those forehead thermometers.
[ Laughter ]
Then, just to be safe, they gave the butt a quick nasal swab.
I mean, it's for fun. Come on. [ Laughter ]
Some people tried to be safe by eating outside.
However, it rained in a lot of the country today.
People were smart, so they rented tents.
When it got windy, they added walls,
and when they were finished, they realized
they were eating inside.
[ Laughter ]
Of course, a lot of people decided to celebrate over Zoom,
and now it's clear why nobody ever eats yam
six inches from a microphone.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, I saw that the TSA allowed some Thanksgiving foods
to be brought through security.
Yep, nothing better on a long flight than sitting next to
a guy with three Tupperwares full of creamed onions.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, since today is Thanksgiving,
that means tomorrow is Black Friday.
And I saw that, because of the pandemic,
a lot of stores are offering deals online.
Of course, if you want to get
the full Black Friday experience,
just punch yourself in the face before you click "add to cart."
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
We have a great show for you tonight! Oh!
[ Cheers and applause ]
His new book, "Is This Anything?", is out now.
Jerry Seinfeld is my guest tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Also, he was just nominated for two Grammys,
and he has a brand-new album coming out
we're gonna talk about tonight.
Bad Bunny is here!
[ Cheers and applause ]
We're talking to him, and he's performing later on in the show.
It's a very, very exciting day to do this.