>> Stephen: WELCOME ONE AND ALL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO
"THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I HAVE --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT'S SO NICE.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: THAT'S LIKE A DRINK OF COLD WATER RIGHT THERE.
I'VE BEEN OFF FOR A WEEK.
I MISSED YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I ALSO MISSED A LOT OF NEWS,
WHICH I DID NOT MISS.
BUT THERE'S SOME NEW NEWS ABOUT THE NEWS.
BECAUSE CNN IS CUTTING BACK ON OVER-HYPING EVERYTHING AS
BREAKING NEWS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES!
WHICH MEANS, OVERHYPING EVERYTHING IS UP FOR GRABS!
SO, WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I STAND BEFORE YOU SHOCKED AND TERRIFIED
TO REPORT THAT WHAT I'M SAYING RIGHT NOW MEANS NOTHING.
IT'S ALL FALSE URGENCY TO KEEP YOU CAPTIVATED LONG ENOUGH TO
GET TO THE NEXT LIPITOR COMMERCIAL.
AND... HOLD ON -- WE HAVE TO BREAK INTO THIS BREAKING NEWS
WITH A BREAKING NEWS ALERT: AT 11:38 PM EASTERN TIME, HOST OF
THE LATE SHOW STEPHEN COLBERT IS FEELING A BIT SNACKY.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THE STORY IS -- THE STORY
IS IT STILL DEVELOPING.
NO WORD YET ON HOW AND IF IT WILL EVER RESOLVE.
STEPHEN, WHAT ARE YOU HEARING?
( LAUGHTER ) >> WELL,
( SMACKING AND TALKING INCOHERENTLY )
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH...
>> Stephen: NOW, IT WAS SUBTLE, BUT YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED
WE USED SOME OF CNN'S GRAPHICS THERE.
WE FOUND THEM IN THE DUMPSTER BEHIND THE NETWORK, ACCORDING TO
AN INTERNAL MEMO, CNN IS CUTTIN -- NEXT TO CHRIS CUOMO AND CNN
PLUS.
WHY YOU AWEING?
NONE OF YOU WATCHED IT!
ACCORDING TO AN INTERNAL MEMO, CNN IS CUTTING BACK ON THE
BREAKING NEWS GRAPHIC BECAUSE ITS IMPACT HAS BECOME LOST ON
THE AUDIENCE AND CNN SHOULD BE FOCUSED ON
INFORMING, NOT ALARMING VIEWERS.
WITH CNN OUT OF THE GAME, THAT'LL LEAVE PLENTY OF ALARMING
FOR THE FOLKS OVER AT FOX NEWS.
IN FACT, THEY'RE COUNTER-PROGRAMMING WITH TUCKER
CARLSON'S NEW SHOW: LOOK OUT GAY IMMIGRANTS ARE COMING FOR YOUR
PENIS!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TODAY, OF COURSE, IS JANUARY 6th.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS -- ( SUSPE SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC )
>> Stephen: IT'S NATIONAL YO-YO DAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT ALSO MEANS IT'S EXACTLY 17
MONTHS SINCE THE JANUARY 6th INSURRECTION, AND THIS THURSDAY
THE JANUARY 6th COMMIT IS SET TO MAKE ITS CASE PUBLIC WITH
PRIME-TIME HEARINGS.
THE INSURRECTION -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
THE INSURRECTION IS GOING PRIMETIME GET READY FOR YOUR NEW
FAVORITE SHOW: AMERICA'S GOT TREASON.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: MMM...
>> Stephen: WE MIGHT ACTUALLY GET SOME
ANSWERS FROM THESE HEARINGS, BECAUSE DUE TO A KEVIN MCCARTHY
HISSY FIT, THE ONLY REPUBLICANS ON THE JANUARY 6TH COMMITTEE ARE
NOTED CRITICS OF THE BIG LIE, LIZ CHENEY AND ADAM KINZINGER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO, UNLIKE THE INSANELY
COMBATIVE IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS, THESE PRIMETIME HEARINGS MIGHT
FUNCTION NORMALLY.
IT'LL BE LIKE AN EPISODE OF THE REAL HOUSEWIVES WITHOUT WINE.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS HOUSEWIFE)
"LUANNE, WE JUST ATE DINNER, NOW I'M GOING TO BED AT A REASONABLE
HOUR AND TAKE A MELATONIN.
DON'T FORGET YOUR DOGGIEBAG, I LOVE AND RESPECT YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) I SAID GOOD NIGHT!
( LAUGHTER ) THE JANUARY 6TH COMMITTEE HAS
GOTTEN A LOT OF INFORMATION FROM RELUCTANT WITNESSES BECAUSE
THEY'VE BEEN WILLING TO PLAY HARDBALL.
TAKE FORMER PRESIDENTIAL AIDE, PETER NAVARRO, SEEN HERE
POINTING TO HIS WORST ENEMY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S A GOOD JOKE.
QUALITY FAMILY JOKE.
NAVARRO WAS ONE OF THE RINGLEADERS OF THE ATTEMPTED
COUP.
AND WE KNOW THAT BECAUSE HE CLEVERLY CONFESSED THE ENTIRE
PLOT ON NATIONAL TV.
>> WHAT I SHOW IN THE IN TRUMP TIME BOOK IS THIS PLAN WE HAD
CALLED THE GREEN BAY SWEEP, THE PLAN WAS SIMPLY THIS.
WE HAD OVER 100 CONGRESSMEN AND SENATORS ON CAPITOL HILL READY
TO IMPLEMENT THE SWEEP.
THE SWEEP WAS SIMPLY THAT.
WE WERE GOING TO CHALLENGE THE RESULTS OF THE ELECTION IN THE
SIX BATTLEGROUND STATES.
AT 1:00 P.M., SENATOR TED CRUZ AND REPRESENTATIVE GOSAR,
STARTED THE GREEN BAY SWEEP BEAUTIFULLY, CHALLENGING THE
RESULTS OF ARIZONA.
THE REMEDY WAS FOR VICE PRESIDENT PENCE AS THE
QUARTERBACK IN THE GREEN BAY SWEEP TO REMAND THOSE VOTES BACK
TO THE SIX BATTLEGROUND STATE >> Stephen: GREEN BAY SWEEP --
SO, NAVARRO THOUGHT HE COULD ADMIT TO TRYING TO OVERTURN AN
ELECTION ON NATIONAL TV, AND THERE'D BE NO CONSEQUENCES
BECAUSE HE GAVE IT A FUN NICKNAME?
(AS MURDERER) "OFFICER, YOU CAN'T ARREST ME.
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING ILLEGAL, I WAS JUST DOING A MOVE I LIKE TO
CALL THE BEE-BOP-STEP STAB.
A BEE-BOP STEP STAB STABBY STAB STAB."
( APPLAUSE ) STAB STAB STAB!
( BEEPING ) BEEP, BEEP, BOP,
STAB, STAB, STAB!
( LAUGHTER ) THE COMMITTEE THOUGHT, "HERE'S A
CRAZY IDEA LET'S SUBPOENA THE GUY WHO ADMITTED TO PLANNING THE
CRIME."
NAVARRO REFUSED TO SHOW UP, SO ON FRIDAY, HE WAS INDICTED AND
ARRESTED ON TWO COUNTS OF CONTEMPT OF CONGRESS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( DRUM BEAT )
>> Jon: WHOO!
SHAKE IT UP!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THIS UPSET NAVARRO, AND IT ALSO UPSET TEXAS
REPRESENTATIVE LOUIE GOHMERT, SEEN HERE SUDDENLY REMEMBERING
WHERE HIS FINGERS HAVE BEEN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( DRUM BEAT )
AFTER LEARNING OF NAVARRO'S ARREST, GOHMERT ACTUALLY SAID
THIS: >> IT ACTUALLY PUTS AN
EXCLAMATION POINT ON THE FACT THAT WE HAVE A TWO-TIERED
JUSTICE SYSTEM.
IF YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN, YOU CAN'T EVEN LIE TO CONGRESS OR
LIE TO AN FBI AGENT, OR THEY'RE COMING AFTER YOU.
THEY'RE GONNA BURY YOU.
(AS GOHMERT) "NOWADAYS YOU CAN'T EVEN LIE TO
CONGRESS OR LIE TO THE F.B.I., OR HOT WIRE A CAR THEN DRIVE
THAT CAR TO A BANK AND GRAB ALL THE MONEY AT GUNPOINT, THEN
HEAD TO THE NEAREST ZOO TO THROW ROCKS AT THE PANDAS."
THERE'S A TWO-TIERED JUSTICE SYSTEM ONE TIER FOR PEOPLE WHO
OBEY THE LAW AND A WHOLE DIFFERENT ONE FOR PEOPLE WHO
BREAK IT.
HOW IS THAT FAIR?
HOLD STILL, LING-LING!
HOLD STILL!
I WINGED HIM!
>> Jon: YEAH, I SAW THAT!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WAIT, HOLD ON A
SECOND!
WE'RE GETTING MORE BREAKING NEWS.
OK, THIS JUST IN.
IS THIS CONFIRMED?
IT'S BEEN CONFIRMED, LOUIE GOHMERT REMAINS THE
DUMBEST MAN ALIVE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO, ONE PARTY OPENLY ATTACKED OUR DEMOCRACY AND THEN BRAGGED
ABOUT IT.
BUT SOMEHOW, THEY'RE NOT THE ONES WITH LOW APPROVAL RATINGS.
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO RECENT POLLS, PRESIDENT BIDEN'S
APPROVAL IS WORSE THAN THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S AT THIS POINT
IN HIS PRESIDENCY.
NOT GREAT.
BUT I KNOW HOW TO HELP.
MR. PRESIDENT, GO OUT TO THE ROSE GARDEN AND STARE DIRECTLY
INTO A SOLAR ECLIPSE.
DON'T ASK ME WHY.
FOR SOME REASON, PEOPLE LIKE THAT BETTER THAN INFRASTRUCTURE.
( LAUGHTER ) TURNS OUT, BEHIND THE SCENES,
BIDEN IS SEETHING THAT HIS STANDING IS NOW WORSE THAN THE
FORMER PRESIDENT'S.
I DON'T BLAME HIM.
THE LAST GUY HAD TERRIBLE STANDING.
( LAUGHTER ) HE LOOKS LIKE A PENGUIN WITH A
LOADED DIAPER.
( LAUGHTER ) AND, NOW, BIDEN'S TEAM IS
WORRIED HE COULD SUFFER THE SAME ONE-TERM FATE AS JIMMY CARTER.
OF COURSE, THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BIDEN AND
CARTER.
SOMEHOW, BIDEN SEEMS OLDER.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE WHITE HOUSE HAS A PLAN:
PUT JOE ON THE ROAD TO HIGHLIGHT PROGRESS BEING MADE, AND LET
BIDEN BE BIDEN.
YES, WE'RE GETTIN' SOME JOE CLASSIC, BUT COVER THE KIDS'
EARS, BECAUSE BIDEN HAS BEEN SO FRUSTRATED, HE'S REPORTEDLY
RESORTED TO SALTY LANGUAGE.
"YOU'RE DARN' ROOTY-TOOT-TOOTIN', YA
DONKEYMOUTHED, BOXCAR-JUMPIN' TROLLEY PONIES.
THEY TRIED TO TAKE GRAMPA'S KEYS AWAY, BUT I FOUND 'EM TUCKED
UNDER A CROCHETED TEDDY BEAR T.P. COVER.
JUST TRY AND STOP ME, YA TAFFY-PULLIN', GRASS WRASSLIN',
SNARKY MALARKY CLOD OF EBBET'S FIELD SOD!
YER MOTHER GOT STUCK IN HER BUTTER CHURN, AND YER PAPPY
SMOOCHES THE KAISER'S PICKELHAUBE.
NOW, I'M HOPPIN' BACK IN THE CORVETTE.
WAIT, GAS IS HOW MUCH?
( LAUGHTER ) WHO THE ( BLEEP ) IS PRESIDENT?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE JAKE TAPPER AND COMEDIAN JOEL KIM BOOSTER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, QUEEN ELIZABETH STILL HAS A JOB.
STICK AROUND.