-Guys, today is Thursday. -Right.
-And that's usually when I catch up on some personal stuff.
-Really? -Yeah.
You know, normally it would be Friday.
-Yeah. I mean, it's Thursday.
-No. This is the way it works now.
-Oh. -Thursday is the new Friday.
-Oh. -You know what I'm saying?
This is like -- -Yeah.
-The weekend longer. [ Cheers and applause ]
What I do is I get stuff organized.
I clear my desktop, my virtual desktop.
-Your virtual desktop. -I go on.
I have a couple virtual online meetings.
-Right, love that. [ Laughter ]
-"Hey, good to see you man. How's it going?"
You know, stuff like that. My arms are exhausted.
-Oh, my gosh. -Meeting, meeting, meeting.
And I normally write out actual,
physical thank-you notes and mail them.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Do you mail them?
-Through the U.S. Postal Service.
-Wow! -Yeah.
I use our great U.S. Postal Service.
You know, I wanted to be a mailman at one point.
-Did you really? -I really did.
I was going into comedy, and my parents go, "We support you,
but please take the postal exam."
[ Laughter ]
"See if you -- " 'Cause I loved our mailman.
I loved the idea of it.
I loved that he had a steering wheel
on the other side of the thing.
He's making his own rules. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] -And wore shorts.
-Yeah. -Didn't care.
-Walked around.
-Walked around bringing good news to people.
-Yeah. -Right? Sometimes bad news.
-One of the greatest services of all time.
-But he was there for the ups and downs.
And I'm prepared for that mentally.
-With them? -No, with humans.
I could deliver the bills. I could give you some bad news.
-"Oh, wow, it's a bill, dang."
Oh, but guess what. -Guess what. Here's your check.
Yeah, or here's a magazine or, you know, an L.L. Bean catalog.
-Sure.
-I'll shove it in the mailbox with love.
-Yeah. "Life" magazine.
-Yeah, I got four crumpled L.L. Bean catalogs in here.
-And it was raining outside and it was wet, so they're soggy.
But guess what. -There you go. But guess what.
-Still love them. -Yeah, something to do, right?
[ Laughter ]
Gives you something to do. You go throw it out or recycle it.
-Yeah, or you let it dry, standing straight up.
-Yeah. While you're at it, you go,
"Oh, these papers are drying awfully quick.
There must be a nice draft here.
Maybe I'll get in the jerky business."
-Oh, my gosh. -So, you get thin strips --
-Sure. Thin strips.
-You know, you lay it out, whatever that magazine was.
The breeze goes through. There you go.
You're making yourself a whole little business.
-Delicious jerky. Beef jerky.
Tuna jerky. Turkey jerky.
I just like saying it -- turkey jerky.
-Yeah, I love saying it too.
And you know who doesn't get thanks?
-Who? -The mailman.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
So next time you're making jerky, leave some out.
Don't be a jerky and leave some out for the mailman.
[ Laughter ] -That's what I'm saying, buddy.
Well, I was running a bit behind today.
I couldn't write my -- I was just --
If you guys wouldn't mind, I'd like to write out
my weekly thank-you notes right now.
Is that okay with you? [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you!
James, can I get some thank-you note writing music, please?
♪♪
-Wow, a lot of 'tude.
-No, he's in a good -- He's in a good mood, man.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, back-to-school ads, for really cornering
the "children jumping with backpacks" market.
[ Applause ]
Yay!
♪♪
Thank you, school, for being a place where we learn
new things and make everlasting friendships.
But mostly get really good at drawing this thing.
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪♪
-I got an eraser. I'm going to do it with an eraser.
-Let me see if I can do it.
Mm, mm, mm.
Alright, this is the jam. You start there.
-Yeah, start there. That's what you start with.
-Alright.
♪♪
-Triangle.
-Oh, I do this part I think.
-Oh, I see.
Then you can make kind of the Celtic cross coming up.
I like that. Yeah.
♪♪
Ooh! [ Audience oohs ]
Oh, wow, it's like 3-D.
♪♪
-There you go. -Wow!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, whatever. -That's what I do, whatever.
I'm at a heavy metal concert, I'm like --
-Yeah, alright. [ Laughter ]
I studied graphic art. -Let's get it out of the way.
You know? -Let's get it done.
-Yeah. -Rock on, sure.
-I want to appreciate the music. Don't make me perform.
-Yeah. Do you mind sitting down?
Yeah. Don't stand up in front of me.
-This out of respect, and let's go.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Thank you, old-school pencil sharpeners,
for being the only part of my second grader's classroom
that looks like it belongs in a "Saw" movie.
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪♪
Thank you, Little Caesars new Crazy Calzony,
for looking like a board game where the winner
gets high blood pressure.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-It's boiling hot!
♪♪
-Thank you, mid-August, or as CVS calls you, Halloween.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Now?
♪♪
Thank you, super-long auto-generated passwords,
for being a great way to keep hackers and me
out of my account. [ Cheers and applause ]
This is a safe one. I know, I know, I know.
-I got to write it down. -Password123 is just awesome.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, people who type "Thx" instead of "thanks,"
for letting me know that you're feeling grateful
but not grateful enough to type three extra letters.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thx but no thx.
-I'm too busy.
♪♪
-Thank you, coconuts, for being juicy, tender fruit
on the inside and porch doormat on the outside.
There you have it. Those are our thank-you notes.