[Music]
many of us are wandering the earth
accomplished in many ways capable of
fulfillment at many points but with a
fundamental wound that stops us from
becoming who we truly might be we don't
quite know who we are it isn't of course
that we can't remember the basics of our
biographies we're unsure around two
things in particular firstly we don't
have a stable sense of what we're worth
and secondly we don't have a secure hold
on our own values or judgments without
knowing who we are we tend to have
particular trouble coping with either
denigration or adulation if other people
decide that we are worthless or bad
there will be nothing inside us to
prevent us from swallowing their
verdicts in their entirety
however wrongheaded extreme or unkind
these might be will be helpless before
the court of public opinion will always
be asking other people what we deserve
before seeking inside for an answer
lacking an independent verdict we also
stand to be unnaturally hungry for
external praise the clapping of an
audience will matter to us far more than
would ever be wise will be prey to
rushing towards whatever idea or
activity the crowd happens to love will
laugh at jokes that aren't funny
uncritically accept undeserving concepts
that are in vogue and neglect our true
talents for easy popular wins will trail
public opinion slavishly constantly
checking the world's whims rather than
consulting an inner barometer in order
to know what we should want feel and
value we need to be kind on ourselves no
one is born with an independent ability
to know who they are we learn to have an
identity because if we're blessed in our
early years someone else takes the
trouble to study us with immense
fairness attention and kindness and then
plays us back to us in a way that makes
sense and that we can later M
late they give us the beginning of a
true portrait of our identity which we
can then take on and enrich over the
years and use as a defense against the
distorting verdicts from hurried or
ill-intentioned others knowing who one
is is really the legacy of having been
known properly by somebody else at the
start this early identity building tends
to unfold with apparently innocuous but
life-saving small steps oh that must
really hurt a parent might say in
response to an upset thereby validating
an infant's own feelings or it's okay
not to feel happy on your birthday the
parent might say at another point
delicately upholding an infant's less
typical response to certain events
ideally the child isn't just known he or
she is also interpreted as likeable a
good parent offers generous
interpretations they're on the side of
the child and are always ready to put
the best possible gloss on moments of
ill temper or a failure which forms the
basis upon which resilient self-esteem
can then later emerge now that's the
ideal but it can of course go very wrong
and often does a parent may offer
mirroring that is out of sync with the
reality of the child
look who's such a happy little boy or
girl a parent might insist when actually
the opposite is clearly the case thereby
badly scrambling the child's ability to
connect with their own emotions or the
parent might only lend the child a very
harsh punitive way of interpreting
itself repeatedly suggesting that the
child is ill intentioned or no good the
parent may simply not show very much
interest in the child focusing
themselves elsewhere so that the child
grows up with a feeling that not only is
it not worth cherishing but also because
it hasn't been adequately seen and
mirrored that it doesn't even quite
exist a feeling of unreality is the
direct consequence of emotional neglect
realizing that we lack a stable identity
is a sobering realization
but we can with a fair wind start to
correct the problem at any point we need
to seek out the help of a wise and
kindly other person perhaps a good
psychotherapist someone who can study as
closely mirror us properly and then
validate what they see through their
eyes we can learn to study perhaps for
the first time how we really feel and
take seriously what we actually want we
can by being witnessed generously more
often learn to take our own sides and
feel increasingly solid inside trusting
ourselves more than we trust the crowd
feeling that we might be able to say no
not always swaying in the wind and
feeling that we are in possession of
some of the ultimate important truths
about us having come to know ourselves
like this we will be a little less
hungry for praise a little less worried
by opposition and a lot more original in
our thinking we will have learned the
vital art of both knowing and befriended
who we really are
our know yourself cards can help us to
better understand the deepest most
elusive aspects of ourselves follow the
link now to learn more
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