- Oh, fantastic.
What's it taste like?
It's effervescent. - It's effervescent.
Tell her it tastes like lavender.
- This tastes like lavender.
- [Dave] Tell her you like the high notes.
- I like the high notes.
- So I think it tastes like champagne.
- Okay, great.
(energetic dance music)
Hi, I'm Dave Mizzoni, and welcome to "Fixed",
the show where take on the problems
of my millennial constituents
and fix them over the course of an episode.
And it always goes perfectly.
Today, we're talking about the F word.
No, not "Fergie".
Flirting.
- So Dave basically is like,
"Yeah, I know a lot about straight dating,"
but I'm pretty positive that he's never been straight.
I think he's gonna try to set me up with somebody here.
Maybe it'll be my lucky day and I'll fall in love.
- Carmen, I think you are one of the best guys I know,
and today we're just gonna finesse a few small things--
- Okay. - Okay.
- Why don't we try some word association?
Biceps. - I think of hair.
Hair? - Yeah.
Feet.
- I need a foot with no toenails.
- Chivalry.
- A woman try and get in the car door,
you open it for her but you opened it so hard
that the fucking door flies off.
- Romance.
- Going to Taco Bell and being like
"Order whatever you want, I got this."
- I do love that.
Carmen, it's clear your heterosexuality has made you sick.
But don't worry,
Daddy's here to help you.
- I feel like if I was a guy that was good at dating,
the best pickup line is like floating in the air
and landing right in front of them and saying,
"Did you see that?"
- In 2020 the DMs are the only dating app that matters.
Let's take a look at this chart here.
Happy, sad, horny.
We're trying to straddle all three of these
when we are responding in the DMs.
Carmen, over the last six months
I've been trolling you as my alias Natalia B.
Let's check the DMs here.
At 8:41 p.m. I said, "Hey, cutie, you up?"
Your response--
- Yes, cramming, trying to finish my taxes.
"They're due tomorrow."
You obviously know that.
- 8:15 a.m. you started talking to me about the Vietnam War.
- I know, I couldn't sleep.
I just watched all 22 hours of the Ken Burns documentary--
- Carmen! - Yeah.
- Enough.
- No more about the Vietnam War.
No war at dinner, okay.
We're about to take you on a real live date.
- I 100% trust Dave with my life.
He's the man and he's looking out for me.
So good luck to me.
- All right, Carmen.
It's time to use everything we've learned
to practice on a real live human woman.
Don't fuck it up.
Your date begins now and your soup is pumpkin almond.
- It's so nice to meet you.
I would kiss your hands but --
- Whew, look at that.
What a surprise.
Here, we -- pout a little bit for you.
- Yeah, so I went with plastic cups
because I'm trying to look out for the environment
'cause we can reuse them.
- Where are you getting this information?
- The Dark Web.
- It's going great,
just stay off the conversation on the Dark Web.
I forgot the flowers so you just tell her you got them.
- So I went shopping at the dollar store
and I bought you these flowers.
- In a glass vase, okay.
- I know, I wanted plastic
but now it sounds like the right choice.
- You did good.
- 'Cause maybe what I can do is I can take these out
and we can put our champagne in it and share.
- But next time, real flowers.
- Excuse me.
How has everything so far?
We enjoying the salad?
How's he doing?
- Not good. - Not good.
- Can you just do a little bit nicer?
- So what are you into?
- The Vietnam War.
I just can't imagine being on the Ho Chi Minh Trail,
and a lot of them--
- Alrighty, I'm here with some cracked black pepper.
Here's a little bit for you.
Carmen, can you please lay off on the Vietnam War?
What did I tell you?
- Am I doing too much here?
- No.
Honestly, you're not doing enough.
I like it when someone does too much.
I want someone to be obsessed with me.
One time a guy had me as his lock screen,
and that's the standard.
- If you're down with obsessed stuff,
maybe I'll just start following you to work.
Oh, cool, sound good. - For real? Okay, sick.
- Tony, can we drop salads on table 41?
I don't have time for this.
I'll be right with you guys.
Just give me one second, okay.
- It feels like he just wants the attention.
- Guys, I am so sorry, I have been in the weeds.
Thank you so much for your patience.
I'm so sorry, we're down a busser.
- No worries, you're doing great, Dave.
- I'm gonna send some desserts on the house.
- Oh my god, thank you.
- You know what,
we don't need any dessert.
Because I have all the dessert I need right in front of me.
- Oh my God.
- That was cute?
- So cute. - Aww.
- Look at what I did! (laughing)
Straight people are crazy.
- Can we get a zoom on these hands?
(bell dinging) (audience applauding)
- Whew, what a shift.
- Carmen, I had a blast.
How about you?
- I had a really good time.
I learned to just be myself when I'm talking to women.
- You want to stick around,
maybe you helped me finish this champagne.
- I would love to,
but I'm actually gonna go get a drink
with Karolena right now.
- Oh, right now?
- Yeah, I appreciate you.
Maybe next time we can help you find a date.
- Okay, sure, yeah, that would be awesome.
- Thanks buddy. - All right, bud.
- I'll see you soon.
- All right, I'll see you around.
- Great. (bouncy hip hop music)