WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
I'M EXCITED, TOO.
HAPPY ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE MUELLER INVESTIGATION!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
IT'S SPECIAL.
SPECIAL NIGHT.
I GOT YOU THIS MONOLOGUE.
AND THE SENATE GAVE US ALL SOMETHING YESTERDAY.
REMEMBER THE INFAMOUS TRUMP TOWER MEETING BETWEEN KREMLIN
LAWYER NATALIA VESELNITSKAYA?
♪ ( LAUGHTER )
SHE MET WITH DONALD TRUMP, JR., JARED KUSHNER, AND PAUL
MANAFORT-- OR AS I CALL THEM, THE THREE COLL-OOGES.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, YESTERDAY, THE SENATE
JUDICIARY COMMITTEE RELEASED 2,500 HUNDRED PAGES ON THAT
TRUMP TOWER MEETING.
2,500 PAGES?
MAN, IT'S GOING TO TAKE A LONG TIME FOR DONALD TRUMP JR. TO
TWEET THOSE OUT!
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THE DOCUMENTED PURPOSE OF
THIS MEETING WAS TO GET DIRT ON HILLARY CLINTON FROM THE RUSSIAN
GOVERNMENT, BUT BOTH DON JUNIOR AND THE PRESIDENT HAVE INSISTED
TRUMP SENIOR KNEW NOTHING ABOUT IT.
IN FACT, DON JUNIOR TOLD SENATORS, "I WOULDN'T HAVE
WASTED HIS TIME WITH IT."
BECAUSE DAD GETS ANGRY WHEN YOU INTERRUPT HIS TOILET BURGER.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE TRANSCRIPT SHOWS THAT
AFTER DON JUNIOR SET UP THIS MEETING WITH HELP FROM A RUSSIAN
OLIGARCH'S SON, AS YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE NOT COLLUDING, HE
IMMEDIATELY MADE "A FOUR-MINUTE MYSTERY CALL TO A BLOCKED
NUMBER."
AND EARLIER TESTIMONY REVEALED THAT "CANDIDATE TRUMP'S PRIMARY
RESIDENCE HAS A BLOCKED NUMBER."
ALTHOUGH, IT COMES UP ON DON JUNIOR'S PHONE AS "DEFINITELY
NOT DAD."
( LAUGHTER ) THEN, RIGHT AFTER THE CALL TO
THE BLOCKED NUMBER, DON JUNIOR, CALLED THE OLIGARCH'S SON BACK.
NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S THE SMOKING GUN, BUT IF YOU STILL
BELIEVE DON JUNIOR, I WANT SOME OF WHAT YOU'RE SMOKING.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE DON JUNIOR CLAIMS HE
DOESN'T REMEMBER WHO HE SPOKE WITH IN THAT CALL.
SURE, HE COULD'VE BEEN SPEAKING TO ANYBODY BETWEEN TWO CALLS TO
A RUSSIAN OLIGARCH'S SON PLANNING TO COLLUDE WITH THE
RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT.
"HELLO, DOMINO'S, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO HAS DIRT ON HILLARY
CLINTON!
OKAY, GOT TO GO, I NEED TO CALL THE KREMLIN BACK.
CLICK.
DAMN IT.
I FORGOT TO ORDER GARLIC KNOTS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I ALWAYS FORGET THE GARLIC
KNOTS.
AND THAT WASN'T THE ONLY THING TRUMP JUNIOR DIDN'T REMEMBER
DOING.
WE COUNTED, AND TRUMP JUNIOR TOLD THE SENATE JUDICIARY HE
COULDN'T RECALL SOMETHING, 186 TIMES.
OR, AS DON JUNIOR SAID, "WHATEVER NUMBER COMES AFTER
185-- I DO NOT RECALL."
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, SOME PEOPLE AREN'T SO
FORGIVING ABOUT MEMORY LAPSES DURING TESTIMONY.
LIKE DONALD TRUMP JUNIOR, WHO ONCE TWEETED, "IF YOU TELL THE
TRUTH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO REMEMBER ANYTHING. --MARK
TWAIN."
TO WHICH MARK TWAIN RESPONDED, "YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL. --MARK
TWAIN."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
JUST CLEANED IT UP A LITTLE.
I THINK.
AND WE ALSO LEARNED FROM THE SENATE THAT THERE WAS ANOTHER
TRUMP TOWER MEETING THAT WE NEVER HEARD ABOUT BEFORE.
THIS ONE WAS AFTER THE ELECTION, BETWEEN TRUMP OFFICIALS AND
RUSSIA'S AMBASSADOR TO THE U.S., SERGEY KISLYAK, WHO IN THE
RUSSIAN TRADITION, APPEARS TO HAVE MANY SMALLER PEOPLE
INSIDE OF HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
MATRUSKADAL.
DON JUNIOR TESTIFIED THAT HE WASN'T TOLD ABOUT THIS MEETING,
AND WHEN ASKED WHY HE DIDN'T JOIN IT, HE REPLIED, "BECAUSE I
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS ABOUT AND I WAS SWEATY FROM THE GYM."
FINALLY!
SOMETHING I CAN BELIEVE.
DON JUNIOR BEING IGNORANT AND SWEATY.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THE WHOLE COLLUSION
THING IS ABOUT THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN COLLABORATING WITH THE
RUSSIANS WHO HACKED HILLARY'S EMAILS AND LEAKED THEM THROUGH
WIKILEAKS.
BUT DON JUNIOR WAS VERY CLEAR THAT HE WAS NOT IN CONTACT WITH
WIKILEAKS-- MUCH, WELL, MAYBE A BIT, TELLING THE SENATE, "I
THINK THE ONLY TIME I RESPONDED TO THEM WAS, HEY, WHEN AM I
GOING TO RECEIVE THE NEXT LEAK?" ( LAUGHTER )
"OH, THAT'S EXACTLY THE COLLUDING PART?
CAN I CHANGE MY ANSWER TO NO?
MAY I PHONE A FRIEND?
AND QUICK FOLLOW UP: MAY I HAVE A FRIEND?"
( LAUGHTER ) SO HE MET WITH MEMBERS OF THE
RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT TO GET DIRT ON HILLARY, HE KNEW WHEN THE
HACKED EMAILS WERE COMING OUT AND HE WAS COORDINATING THE
TIMING OF THEIR RELEASE WITH WIKILEAKS.
IS THAT THE SMOKING GUN?
IS THE GUN SMOKING?
CAN WE CHECK THE GUN?
>> AH, HE'S SO GUILTY.
HE'S SO GUILTY!" >> STEPHEN: NOPE, JUST FIRE.
AND WHILE HIS LAWYER LOOKED ON IN HORROR, DON JUNIOR CONTINUED,
"AND THEY WOULD REACH OUT ON A FEW OCCASIONS, SORT OF PASSING
ALONG NEWS, HEY, YOU MAY WANT TO TWEET THIS. "
AND THEN YOU WOULD JUST TWEET IT?
IN THAT CASE, "HEY, DON JUNIOR, YOU MAY WANT TO TWEET THIS:
WE DID IT, PLEASE ARREST MY DAD!
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BUT IT WASN'T JUST DON JUNIOR.
THE COMMITTEE ALSO TALKED TO THE AGENT WHO REPRESENTED THE
RUSSIANS, MUSIC PRODUCER AND WORST CASE SCENARIO SIMON
COWELL, ROB GOLDSTONE.
( LAUGHTER ) SIMON COWELL FANS HERE TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) HE TOLD THE COMMITTEE THAT THE
OLIGARCH'S SON INSISTED HE HELP SET UP A MEETING WITH DONALD
TRUMP, JR. TO PASS ALONG DIRT ON HILLARY CLINTON, OVERRIDING
GOLDSTONE'S OWN WARNINGS THAT THE MEETING WOULD BE A BAD IDEA.
AND IF HE THOUGHT IT WAS A BAD IDEA, YOU KNOW IT WAS A BAD
IDEA, BECAUSE HERE ARE SOME THINGS HE THOUGHT WERE GOOD
IDEAS.
THIS HAT, THIS HAT, THIS HAT.
( LAUGHTER ) NOT TO MENTION THESE VIDEOS:
>> HELLO ANDY PANDY.
I LIKE TO CONDITION AND MOISTURIZE MY HAIR.
♪ OOOH OOH OOOH ♪ I CAN'T GET IT OFF.
>> STEPHEN: WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING THE ROYAL WEDDING THIS WEEKEND
AND THINKING ABOUT HOW CLASSY THE BRITISH ARE, ON BEHALF OF
THE PATRIOTS WHO DIED AT LEXINGTON AND CONCORD, I WANT
YOU TO REMEMBER ROB GOLDSTONE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, PRIOR TO THESE TRANSCRIPTS
COMING OUT, THE TRUMP TEAM HAD PLANNED TO USE THIS ANNIVERSARY
AS A TURNING POINT IN THEIR CAMPAIGN TO END MUELLER'S PROBE.
IT'S A TURNING POINT ALL RIGHT.
YOU THOUGHT THAT PROBE WAS DEEP BEFORE, MUELLER'S ABOUT TO GIVE
IT A FIRM TWIST.
( LAUGHTER ) HE MIGHT HAVE TO ROLL UP HIS
SLEEVES.
>> OH.
THE MAN TASKED WITH THE "TIME TO WRAP IT UP" MESSAGE IS TRUMP
LAWYER AND MAN PRAYING TO LOSE HIS JOB, RUDY GIULIANI, WHO
SAID, "WE ARE GOING TO TRY AS BEST WE CAN TO PUT THE MESSAGE
OUT THERE THAT IT HAS BEEN A YEAR, THERE HAS BEEN NO EVIDENCE
PRESENTED OF COLLUSION OR OBSTRUCTION, AND IT IS ABOUT
TIME FOR THEM TO END THE INVESTIGATION."
OKAY.
WELL, I'M GOING TO TRY AS BEST I CAN TO PUT THE MESSAGE OUT THERE
THAT IF YOU START A SENTENCE WITH "WE ARE GOING TO TRY AS
BEST WE CAN TO PUT THE MESSAGE OUT THERE," NOBODY SHOULD
BELIEVE THE MESSAGE THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO PUT OUT THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
( PIANO RIFF ) (SINGING)
GIULIANI HOPES THAT HIS WORDS WILL INTIMIDATE MUELLER, BUT, IF
THEY DON'T, HE'S PREPARED, SAYING, "WE DON'T WANT TO SIGNAL
OUR ACTION IF THIS DOESN'T WORK-- WE ARE GOING TO HOPE THEY
LISTEN TO US-- BUT OBVIOUSLY WE HAVE A PLAN B AND C."
SMART.
NOW THEY'VE JUST GOT TO COME UP WITH A PLAN A.
( LAUGHTER ) AND, LAST NIGHT, GIULIANI
EXPLAINED WHY MUELLER'S INVESTIGATION IS POINTLESS
ANYWAY.
>> THEY CAN'T INDICT HIM, CONSTITUTIONALLY.
>> WHICH MUELLER AGREED TO TODAY.
HE'S GOING TO ABIDE BY NO INDICTMENT OF THE PRESIDENT.
>> STEPHEN: NOTICE HOW NEITHER OF THEM SAID TRUMP'S INNOCENT.
IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING, "IF YOU CAN'T DO THE TIME, BECOME
PRESIDENT AND THEN CRIME, CRIME, CRIME."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT GIULIANI'S DOES HAVE A POINT
BECAUSE THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT HELD THEY CAN'T INDICT A SITTING
PRESIDENT "SINCE THE NIXON ADMINISTRATION," AND THAT WAS
"REAFFIRMED IN THE CLINTON ADMINISTRATION."
YES, OUR TWO MOST INNOCENT PRESIDENTS.
( LAUGHTER ) "I AM NOT A CROOK" AND, "I DID
NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN," IS NOW, "I AM A
CROOK, AND I DID HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN, AND
YOU CAN SUCK IT!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M PARAPHRASING, OBVIOUSLY.
DO WE HAVE THAT ON TAPE?
IS THAT A QUOTE?
AND GIULIANI BRUSHED OFF DON JUNIOR'S MEETING WITH THE
RUSSIANS TO GET DIRT ON HILLARY: >> THERE IS NOTHING ILLEGAL
ABOUT THAT.
EVEN IF IT COMES FROM A RUSSIAN OR A GERMAN OR AN AMERICAN, IT
DOESN'T MATTER.
THEY NEVER USED IT IS THE MAIN THING.
THEY NEVER USED IT.
THEY REJECTED IT.
IF THERE WAS COLLUSION WITH THE RUSSIANS, THEY WOULD HAVE USED
IT.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT THE WHA?
DON'T ADMIT THAT.
YOU'RE THE DUMBEST LAWYER ON EARTH.
( LAUGHTER ) "YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT IS NOT
THE MURDERER BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD GIVE HIM A GUN.
IF HE HAD ONE, WE'D ALL BE DEAD.
THE GUY'S A MANIAC."
LOOK OUT!
THERE HE GOES!
GET HIM!
( APPLAUSE ) IS HE GONE?
( PIANO RIFF ) MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE FARM, THE
PRESIDENT CELEBRATED THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY
OF MUELLER'S INVESTIGATION WITH THIS TWEET --
"CONGRATULATIONS AMERICA, WE ARE NOW INTO THE SECOND YEAR OF THE
GREATEST WITCH HUNT IN AMERICAN HISTORY."
FIRST, YOU DO REALIZE THAT THOSE ACTUAL WITCH HUNTS WERE ALSO
AMERICAN HISTORY, RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) AND SECOND, YOU DON'T NEED TO
CONGRATULATE US.
WE'RE NOT VLADIMIR PUTIN.
AND THIRD, CAN WE STOP CALLING IT A WITCH HUNT?
THAT IMPLIES EVERYONE INVOLVED IS INNOCENT AND MUELLER'S
ALREADY CHARGED 19 PEOPLE AS WELL AS THREE COMPANIES, AND
SECURED FIVE GUILTY PLEAS.
FOR PETE'S SAKE, THEY ARRESTED MICHAEL FLYNN AT THE TARMAC
J.F.K., WHEN HE WAS ABOUT TO TAKE OFF ON HIS BROOMSTICK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) AND TRUMP TWOTE ON, "THE ONLY
COLLUSION WAS THAT DONE BY DEMOCRATS."
"I DIDN'T COLLUDE.
YOU COLLUDED.
I'M RUBBER, YOU'RE GLUE.
AND AS STORMY DANIELS WOULD TELL YOU, I DON'T USE A RUBBER ."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.