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so
i guess this tooth is dead now what i
guess if you love it you got to let it
go
yeah i guess that oh where are you
going hi i'm steven i'm in accounting
and i love man-made lakes what is
happening
[Applause]
so i guess my best asset is my sense of
exploration
oh what kind of wine is that
oh it's a pinot noir oh my face
no i guess i'm sorry is there like a
speed dating thing happening here i
didn't realize this was going on tonight
well do you feel like a love connection
i don't
okay your loss i'm nasty rich
nasty rich oh it's really really rich
some say
my best asset is exploring
stuff what's that
it's a cabernet oh my fave
may i oh
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hi hi so what are some of your likes and
dislikes
i dislike that this is happening right
now i'm not doing this dating thing
yeah no i know it can be scary to get
back in there no no no you misunderstood
i
i lost my best friend oh my ex was my
best friend too
can you go oh i don't think the bell
rang though
ding oh well you're lost i'm a
professional chef oh
no i like when people cook for me well i
guess my best asset is
what's that oh yes it's mine
oh no no no how do i make it so people
stop coming to this table i don't want
to do this did i even put a sign up
or something well i'm hoping that's a
sign that you're interested in me
i'm not your loss i have a huge penis
and i usually stop calling after a few
weeks
oh no oh you could be the one i'm
blessed to ask for this
oh please better give it to me
come on give it give it i'll give it
ah dvds no wait what do you have
ghost dad ghost ship
a lot of ghosts ghost wants to bring me
wine
and then he rubs my belly and tells me
it's okay
then he comes to sing oh there you are
you're my bestest asses oh you're my
best ass
oh no i told you
you too drunk well maybe you shouldn't
drink so much
hey who are you my mom so then i was
eating cookie dough in my closet and i
was like ugh
you're definitely a closet eater i ate
dinner on the toilet the other day
does that make me a toilet eater no it
just means you're really efficient with
time
oh thanks
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do you want to buy this apple no no i do
not that is disgusting
why is it disgusting because you put
your mouth over and then you get all
your like
mouth insides and mouth jizz all over it
it's very sexual and very intimate and i
am not about that life okay
but we share food all the time yeah but
that's different apples are different
they're disgusting they're sensual
they're sexual
they're like intimate t just take a bite
please just take a bite
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share is that you oh great hi
it's been forever yeah you uh looked
really great eating that apple
thanks you want to get dinner apartment
uh yeah we could have dinner
yeah okay you have no choice what about
me
we could all hang out for a while and
then we could have sex later i don't
mind
no we gotta go this apple has juiced me
up
ew gotta go girl bye let's do it
yeah what get you anything else yes all
of the apples
all dem apples
nikki will tonight
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ah yeah oh i'm not paying that
[Applause]
i miss you girl i miss you too i hate
that we live in different places
what if we move in
together okay you ended that like a
question so it seems like even you know
that's a bad idea oh
hi so so close okay oh
some things in this world aren't
beautiful like being homeless and deaf
donate your beautiful money that was
really nice to read
yeah here who i want to see i i want to
see
oh okay i get it you go to sheer first
then you come to me
and keep it personal that was so nice
excuse
me what what a garbage monster
ugh that deaf old garbage monster can't
hear me
what is a garbage monster and if
anything he's actually a pretty savvy
businessman oh
no no no no no do not suggest that we
start
doing that i won't
why didn't he ask me for money what do i
look like do i look like a person who
doesn't have
money well you never actually have any
money
whoa yes that was so
good i want to give you like 20 bucks
uh oh can i borrow 20 bucks you're
such a garbage monster sometimes
garbage monster i'm gonna use that one
day
thanks it's from her purse but from my
heart
we can do that we should dance for money
no
one time that was one time
and regardless of the fact that
i am going to leave you with that check
i want you to know that that man is
indeed
a garbage monster
so i guess he's just the one that got
away
well he had to go away eventually he's a
cab driver so he had to go pick up
somebody else
i know but when am i gonna be like the
last person on their route you know
their last stop
yeah sorry it's okay
well you ladies are here early oh well
it is five o'clock somewhere it's five
o'clock here
yeah exactly and it's five o'clock
somewhere
no you it's nine o'clock right here
right now so you don't have to say that
um but i'm gonna because it's five
o'clock somewhere no
the the saying doesn't work like that
the saying is it's five o'clock
somewhere meaning
somewhere else other than here so you
don't have to say
it's five o'clock somewhere a girl it's
five o'clock somewhere yep but girl
it's five o'clock right here right now
that's like that's the thing that people
say to like justify their drinking and
you don't have to do that right now
because we have reached a time in the
day where it's totally acceptable for us
to drink yes
that's because it is stay with me
five o'clock somewhere no no see you
don't have to say it like that because
that'd be impossible actually because
it's five o'clock right now and the way
time zones work
it was five o'clock somewhere else it'd
be five o'clock in the morning and we've
already made that mistake
so do you ladies want any uh food with
their drinks no
snookums i would like more vodka please
cause
it is a five o'clock somewhere no no
no this hurts this hurts my body i can't
drink anymore
i will just take food no okay how about
we eat
food in the form of potato
vodka distill my vegetables distill
my vegetables and give it to me in
liquid form
yeah i know we've already made that
mistake but think of it this way shir
it's five o'clock here in new york it is
five o'clock in philadelphia
pennsylvania
it is five o'clock in hartford
connecticut right am i right
here on my right come on let me hear it
let me hear it
yes oh
yes you're right oh that's my favorite
thing to hear
have we decided yeah i'll have a gin and
tonic ooh girl slow down it's only five
o'clock
okay you're right double please mmm
alcoholism
according to the surgeon general women
should not drink alcoholic beverages
during pregnancy but according to the
sexual general women should definitely
drink alcoholic beverages if they're
trying to get that d consumption of
alcoholic beverages impairs your ability
to drive a car or operate machinery but
doesn't impair your ability to drive the
boys wild unless you drink too much too
much of anything isn't good and no one
likes a sloppy drunk unless you're a fun
drunk i don't know man i'm not a doctor
just have fun until it hurts and if it
hurts take your ass home unless you like
it when it hurts in which case you may
have a different kind of problem drink
responsibly
yes sheer i know if we're only having
sex and see each other at night we're
not dating
and and if we do zero daytime activities
like go out to eat or go to the movies
we're not dating
and and if he makes me take the subway
because he doesn't want to share a cab
with me when we're gonna go hook up at
his place we're not
dating oh god okay let's go back to your
place yeah for sure
yeah wait no no we can go together no i
don't want to be seen like
together we're not together you are not
my boyfriend
so you can't call him your boyfriend no
but can i call him my nighttime friend
i mean i guess if you want to feel
better about it well it doesn't really
make me feel better just makes me feel
less single well that's not a title you
can't be
less single you're either single or
you're not
what if i started calling it not quite
single but still available because i'm
single so hello gentlemen
that's way too confusing of a thing and
you haven't even shown me a picture of
this guy
oh my bad what am i doing he's super
cute
oh he is cute is it that guy right there
yeah we've been sexting this whole time
nikki you cannot call this guy your
boyfriend if you're not even talking to
each other when you're in the same space
why not i think he's on a date no
yeah okay all right
okay maybe he's playing hard to get nope
i don't even buy it
what if i asked for a threesome that's
still not a relationship
i mean it kind of is you've seen sister
wives they're in a relationship
i mean if that's what you want excuse me
i would like to have a threesome with
you
white people maybe don't don't don't
call after a race yeah do you think
that yeah because then they're thinking
about that and there's like another
thing on top of it just like just
excuse me i want to put my
fingers in your places
that was good yeah cool
so i couldn't get my foot all the way in
there and i was like did i leave
something in there and i was like oh my
tampons
wait ew why would you keep your tampons
in your boot
to keep them warm oh yeah cause there is
nothing like sliding a toasty tampon up
there
you got that right toasty tampons
can i ask you a question sure who's that
guy you brought with you to the bar
oh that's my date from last week after
we hooked up he never
left so i guess he's my boyfriend now
i guess so what's his name
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brad what i told you a million times i
put it on my jacket so that you would
remember
my name is brad come on i wish you would
be rad and stop talking right now
his name's brad ugh what a classic name
i know right
uh-huh can i ask you a question anything
girlfriend who's the guy that you
brought to the bar
oh this this is devin dude it's derek uh
he's homeless
but we have a very strong supportive
relationship
we're not in a relationship oh he gives
me that good good
d and i give him a roof over his head
so you took in a homeless man okay he's
cute he's young he's smart and yes
he is homeless but he's like my diamond
in the rough
i met him at whole foods and it was just
like love at first sight
come to me sweet prince
come on come on come on
come on and we've been together ever
since
because i can't leave though can't leave
won't leave
so many options it seems like you should
let him go
this is very illegal oh
brian do you mind taking care of that
check for us
you didn't even offer me a drink and my
name is brad
you just said be rad remember that was
fun that was a fun thing
i wish you would be more supportive
oh no baby derek baby
can you like pay the bill please hey
lady i don't have any money
you call somebody they're not moving
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