DAN: I THINK WE NEED TO LEVEL
LITTLE, CELESTE DO THAT TONIGHT.
THE PROGRAM IS BROUGHT TO YOU
BY COMFORT SOLUTIONS.
TORTICOLLIS IS IN THE HOUSE
AND
IF YOU'RE WATCHING THE SHOW AT
730, CAUGHT -- 7:30
P.M., GO SEE
IT.
IF YOU WATCH A MIDNIGHT, YOU
MISSED IT.
[LAUGHTER]
THE SPECIAL
OLYMPICS, THIS
WEEKEND.
IF IT IS NOT WEATHER PERMITTING,
GO ANYWAY.
WE ALWAYS LIKE HIGHLIGHTING THE
GREAT WORK THAT THE SPECIAL
OLYMPICS AND RHODE ISLAND DOES.
AND BY THE WAY, HENRY MORETTI
IS
IN THE HOUSE.
HE HAS HIS OWN CABLE SHOW
, AND
HE'S BUCKING FOR THIS SHOW.
STICK AROUND FOR THAT.
WITH THEIR THIS THING DOWN
BECAUSE WE HAVE THE LOAD UP THIS
EVENING.
TWEETS IN INVESTIGATIONS,
AND IT
IS AMAZING TO ME THE MENTAL
BLOCK THAT SURROUNDS DONALD
TRUMP ON THINGS LIKE THIS.
HAS ANYBODY, INCLUDING A
LAWYER,
EXPLAINED TO THE UNITED STATES
THAT EVERY TIME HE COMMENTS ON
THE INVESTIGATION HE IS
GETTING
RID OF ANY CHANCE OF EXECUTIVE
PRIVILEGE.
IT IS AMAZING THAT HE HAS NOT
FIGURE THIS THING OUT AND NO ONE
HAS BEEN ABLE TO SETTLE HIM.
IT WILL BE HIS DEMISE.
IT MAY NOT EVEN BE THAT WHICH HE
HAS DONE, MEANING
THE RUSSIAN
INVESTIGATION, WHICH IS STILL IN
QUESTION, BUT IT COULD BE THAT
WITH THE SMARTPHONE. HIMSEL&
IT BLOWS ME AWAY.
WE HAD A WHOLE CBS THING FOR
THAT THIS EVENING.
WE HAVE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE.
WE HAVE OTHER HEADLINES THAT ARE
INTERESTING.
HIS LAWYER WILL ANSWER ALL
RELATION -- RUSSIAN RELATED
QUESTIONS MEANING SEAN SPICER IS
OFF OF.
DID ANYBODY FOLLOW I SEAN SPICER
PRESS CONFERENCE AND REQUIRED
ALL THE CABLE NETWORKS TO PUT UP
THE STILL?
THE WHEELS ARE OFF.
IT JUST GOES ON AND ON.
LET'S MOVE ON.
NOW, THIS, IS SPECIAL.
FRONT-PAGE HEADLINE IN THE
STUDIO TODAY.
38 STUDIOS, MORE DOCS.
HOW CAN THE RHODE ISLAND STATE
POLICE, ONE OF THE FINEST
ORGANIZATIONS ON THE PLANETS,
HOW COULD THEY HAVE LOST A BOX
OF DOCUMENTS ON 38 STUDIOS.
THIS REPORTEDLY INSPIRED THE
SENATE PRESIDENT TO SAY I AM
FOR LEGISLATION THAT WILL OPEN
UP THE DEMAND
FOR THE GRAND JURY
DOCUMENTS REGARDING THIS GUY'S
$75 MILLION-BASED THE KNOWN AS
38 STUDIOS.
THE GOVERNOR'S PROMISED DURING
HER FIRST ELECTION SEASON TO
HAVE AN OPEN INVESTIGATION,
INDEPENDENT OF COURSE OF 38
STUDIOS, LINGERS LIKE A WET
NOODLE.
I THINK YOU UNDERSTAND VERY
A
SMELLY, LET'S NOODLE.
THAT'S OVER RHODE ISLAND, AND
NOW THE STATE POLICE
ORGANIZATION MISPLACED A BOX
WHICH THE SENATE PRESIDENT SAYS
REALLY INSPIRED HIM TO PUT IN
LEGISLATION THAT THE HOUSE
SPEAKER ALREADY HAS RUNNING TO
BYPASS THE JUDGES DECISION NOT
TO ALLOW THE GRAND JURY
DOCUMENTS TO REMAIN PUBLIC.
DID YOU GET ALL THAT?
MAYBE SOMEBODY WILL STEP UP AND
LEAD AND FINALLY SAY, WE NEEDED
OUTSIDE INDEPENDENT
INVESTIGATION.
REVEAL
-- MAYBE I WILL SHOOT 69
ON THE GOLF COURSE, AND THAT'S
PROBABLY ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN.
HOW ABOUT A YOUNG OR TO, OR 10.
CHECK OUT THIS HEADLINE.
YESTERDAY WAS NOT A
CORRESPONDENCE DINNER.
I'M NOT A DOCTOR BUT I'M
PRETTY SURE STEVE BANNON'S URINE
SAMPLES LOOKS LIKE ONE FROM A
TURTLE TANK.
PIERCE YOU TRUMP, FOUR MORE
MONTHS.
THERE HAVE BEEN 45
PRESIDENTS, AND IF I HAD TO RANK
THEM, YOU WOULD BE ONE OF THEM.
AND HIP, HOORAY.
-- HIP H
IP,
HOORAY.
JURY IS STILL OUT.
THEY ARE NECK AND NECK RIGHT
TO NOW.
DAN: I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING
LIKE IT.
JORDAN: YOU SEEM ON THE FENCE
ABOUT THIS.
IT IS GREAT FOR COMEDY.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
HE WRITES.
COVF
EFE?
COVFEFE
IS EVERYTHING.
DAN: IF I TAKE MY PHONE OUT, I
WILL TRY TO WRITE IT BUT IT WILL
ON A CRACKED TO COVERAGE.
JORDAN:
NOTHING AUTOCORRECT TO
COVFEFE.
THE ONLY THING THAT DONALD TRUMP
MIGHT LISTEN TO IS THAT YOU HAVE
THIS FILTER OF THE AUTOCORRECT
AND IT EVEN BLOWS PAST THAT.
HE PUTS COVFEFE
AND HE GOES TO
BED.
IT IS HARD
TO DO, MY GRANDMA HAS
A HARD TIME AS WELL.
DAN: YOU THINK THE VOLUME
OF
WORK WOULD PRODUCE SOME KIND OF
LEVEL OF EFFICIENCY.
JORDAN: I THINK IT IS THE MOST
POPULAR TWEET.
IT IS HIS MOST POPULAR OF
TWEETS.
DAN: YOU GET TO LAUGH AT THIS IS
CERTAINLY -- ARE CERTAINLY
IMPORTANT TO OUR
NATIONAL MENTAL
STATE OF HEALTH.
JORDAN: I THINK IT IS ABOUT
SLAPPING TO COPE
.
YOU LAUGH TO KEEP FROM CRYING.
IT SHOWS OUR DEMOCRACY MIGHT BE
IN A BAD WAY RIGHT NOW, BUT, AS
LONG AS YOU CAN LAUGH, THAT IS
CHARACTERISTIC OF A HEALTHY
DEMOCRACY.
A HEALTHY ESTATE.
AS LONG AS PEOPLE KEEP
LAUGHING,
THAT IS THE CANARY IN THE COAL
MINE FOR ME.
DAN: WHAT YOU THINK OF CRAPPY --
JORDAN: TOO MUCH.
I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A
LINE
AND SHE FOUND IT.
IT CONF TRUMP'S
SON BARRON.
HE THOUGHT THAT WAS DADDY.
I HADN'T HEARD FROM KATHY
GRIFFIN, SHE HADN'T WEIGHED IN
AT ALL ON POLITICS.
WHERE YOU GO FROM THERE?
I FELT LIKE THE TROLLS WOULD
HAVE A LOT OF FUN WITH THAT.
DAN: I WOULD THINK THE COMEDY
INDUSTRY WILL HAVE TWO LEFT
ABOUT THAT.
JORDAN: THE OBAMAS SAY WHEN THEY
GO UP, A MINE.
I DIDN'T KNOW CAP THE GRIFFIN --
DIDN'T KNOW CAP THE GRIFFIN --
DIDN'T KNOW KATHY GRIFFIN WOULD
DO THAT.
DAN: BY THE WAY, DON'T SWITCH
OVER IF YOU'RE WATCHING IT'S
MIDNIGHT.
JORDAN: I'M SPEAKING FOR SAVING
COLOR A SPOKESMAN HERE.
IN LATE-NIGHT, YOU HAVE AN ARMY
OF 20 WRITERS AND THEY DECIDE,
ULTIMATELY, COLVILLE --
KOERBER
-- COLBERT WILL THE SIDE.
-- WILL
DECIDE.
LISTEN, COMEDY IS
BENDING,
GREAT, BUT IF IT BREAKS, WE HAVE
A PROBLEM.
HE HAS HAD PROBLEMS IN THE
PAST.
AN ASIAN-AMERICAN WOMAN ON
TWITTER WANTED TO GET HIM FIRED.
WHAT HAPPENS WAS THE AUDIENCE
FORGET.
IF YOUR COMEDIAN,
YOU FIND THE
LINE AND DON'T CROSS IT.
DAN: BEND BUT YOU CAN'T BREAK
IT.
A FASCINATING CONFERENCE --
CONTESSA --
CONCEPT.
WE HAVE MORE COMING UP, DON'T GO
AWAY.
JORDAN: I'M JORDAN CARLOS,
ARBITER OF GOOD TASTE.
I LIVE IN BROOKLYN
WITH A FINER
TASTES IN LIFE ARE ONLY A STEP
AWAY.
FOOD TO ME IS NOT JUST
NOURISHMENT, IT IS A WAY OF
LIFE.
WHEN I HEARD
ABOUT THIS, I HAD
TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT IT.
DAN: I LIKE THIS LOOK.
JORDAN: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
SO DOES MY WIFE.
I HAD TO CUT THAT OFF.
I'M GLAD IN THAT'S WAS YOU TAKE
AWAY FROM THAT SEGMENT.
[LAUGHTER]
JORDAN:
FOOD DESERTS.
DAN: THIS IS TIGHT.
THE NOTION OF BEND AND NOT BREAK
, IT IS STILL RELATIVE.
IT IS ALL WE DO.
JORDAN: I HAVE
A JOKE ABOUT
WHALES, I GET OFFSTAGE, AND
PEOPLE ARE LIKE, THAT THING YOU
SAID ABOUT THE WHALES, ARE THEY
HERE?
PEOPLE ARE VERY SENSITIVE THESE
DAYS.
YOU TAKE EVERYTHING PERSONAL.
DO YOU FIND THAT'S THE PEOPLE IN
THE LIGHT COMEDY THING ARE
SENSITIVE ABOUT WHAT YOU DO?
IT'S ONE THING IF YOU TUNE INTO
A PROGRAM LIKE THIS AND I DEAL
WITH PEOPLE EVERY DAY.
WHEN YOU GO TO A SHOW
AND YOU
WALK OUT OFFENDED, I HAVE A
LITTLE THRESHOLD OF TOLERANCE
FOR THAT KIND OF DISPOSITION.
'S IT'S WHAT PEOPLE IN THE --
JORDAN: IT'S WHAT PEOPLE ARE
TALKING ABOUT NOWADAYS.
YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO LAUGH.
LAUGH AT OUR LEADERS, S
TRUMP,
WHICH IS VERY EASY TO DO.
BUT HILLARY CLINTON WHEN SHE
CAME OUT AND SAID I AM THE
RESISTANCE.
NO YOU'RE NOT, NO YOU'RE NOT,
STOP THAT.
IT IS GOOD TO LAUGH ITS POWER.
I ALWAYS TRY TO PUNCH UP, NOT
DOWN.
I DON'T MAKE
IT A HABIT OF
LAUGHING AT THE HOMELESS.
I LIKE TO LAUGH AT RICHIE RICH.
EVERYBODY DOES.
EVERYBODY LIKES TO SEE WHICH GUY
WILL SLIP ON THE BANANA PEEL.
IT WOULD BE FUN.
DAN:
I'M JUST LOOKING AT YOUR
HAIR.
JORDAN: [LAUGHTER]
YOU HAVE A BOYISH HEAD.
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE DOING GREAT.
DAN:
NOT TO GET OVERLY
PHILOSOPHICAL HERE
, IT IS NOT AS
BLUE-CHIP AS IT USED TO BE.
JORDAN: YOU'RE GOING TO HATE ME,
BUT I JUST WENT TO MONTREAL
BECAUSE IT VISIT
THE LIBERAL DEMOCRACY NOW AND
THEN, BUT THE DOLLAR THERE IS
CRAZY.
EVERYTHING IS 35% LESS THAN IT
IS HERE.
I WAS A LITTLE
BLACK
PRINTS.
I FRENCH IS C13
WHATEVER.
THE DOLLAR IS P3
IT IS PUL ABROAD.
THE WORLD ECONOMY, LET'S ME SUM
IT UP IN 90 SECONDS.
I'M SPINNING.
THE WORLD ECONOMY, I DON'T
IS IN THE BEST WAY RIGHT NOW
BECAUSE THE WAY D13
LOOK AT IT IS THROUGH WORLD
ECONOMY.
DAN: FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
OU NO CREDIBILITY ON THAT
SUBJECT AT ALL.
JORDAN: ACTUALLY I
STUDIED
ECONOMICS AND FRANCE.
DAN: JIMMY 30 SECONDS ON THE
WORLD ECONOMY.
FORGET THE WORLD ECONOMY NOW.
GIMME 30 SECONDS ON THE WORLD
ECONOMY.
JORDAN: [LAUGHTER]
DAN:
I SAY, WITH A HEALTHY
TALKING ABOUT?
JORDAN: THE DOLLAR IS DOING
GREAT INTERNATIONALLY.
IF WAGE INFLATION STAYS THE
SAME, WE CAN'T COMPETE.
THAT'S WITH THESE OTHER
COUNTRIES.
WE HAVE TO HAVE A THRIVING
MIDDLE CLASS.
WE CANNOT MAKE DEALS ON GERMANY,
IT IS THE EUROPEAN UNION.
I WANT TO BE HEARD ON THIS
POINT.
[LAUGHTER]
DAN: IS ALREADY REWRITING HIS
SHOW FOR THE WORLD ECONOMY
FOR
TONIGHT.
SPECIAL OLYMPICS IS NEXT.
JORDAN: OH
GOD.
[LAUGHTER]