From the man who created some of your fondest childhood memories, then took a huge dump
on them
Comes the prequel sequel that proved Phantom Menace wasn’t an accident.
"This isn't how it's supposed to be."
Episode II: Attack of the Clones.
Once again the republic is in turmoil.
Watch as the chin-stroking Jedi are pulled into a war between a completely disposable
droid army and a completely disposable clone army.
Seriously, there is no reason to get emotionally involved in any of this crap.
Experience an awkward, forced love story as soulless as the computer it was made in
With so many visual effects, the filmmakers didn’t have any time left over for things
like
realistic choreography
realistic dialogue
"I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me."
Or realistic Hayden Christensen acting.
"I don't like sand: it's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.
Not like here."
C'mon, JJ, there's no way you can do any worse than this.
Natalie Portman and her space hair return as Senator Padme Amidala.
When two of the galaxy’s best sharpshooting assassins try to kill her with a poisonous
worm pooping robot,
two Jedi warriors will come to her aid:
Obi Wan Kenobi, a man forced to act opposite lifeless CGI characters like Hayden Christenson...
and Anakin Skywalker,
a rat-tailed a**hole who’s been creepily stalking Padme for the last decade.
"I’ve thought about her every day since we parted.”
"I don’t think she liked me watching her.”
"I'd much rather dream about Padme."
"You're exactly the way I remember you in my dreams."
"Please don't look at me like that."
"Why not?"
"It makes me feel uncomfortable."
"Sorry, m'lady."
Ugh.
Ride along with these one-dimensional heroes in a movie so unevenly paced, you’ll have
to wait over an hour before you even meet the main villain.
Instead, strap yourself in for even more of the stuff that made Phantom Menace so cold,
lifeless,
and boring, like...
People sitting and talking,
Standing and talking,
Walking and talking,
One person standing and talking while another is sitting and talking,
People standing and talking then taking a seat for more talking,
And
a whole bunch of wipes.
Starring...
Haydon’t Act Again
Ewan A Bad Movie
Yogurt
M. Bison
Nipply Portman
Lawrence Fishburn
Definitely Not the Emperor
Dickhead
Cthulhu
Darth Saruman
and Jango Unbrained
Star Wars Episode 11: Attack of the Clones.
Correct me if I’m wrong here but the clones never attack anyone in this movie.
So why the f*** would you call this movie Attack of the Clones?!
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