hey there this is clay with modern love
dot life and this is relationship inner
game in this video I want to talk about
how to get over a breakup I know
breakups can be extremely painful they
can be one of the worst emotional
experiences that you might go through in
your life right up there next to you
know your parents dying or losing a
loved one or going through some other
sort of traumatic event and I'm sorry
that you're going through a breakup
unfortunately it is something that many
people actually do experience it's part
of loving right it's part of taking a
chance and being in a relationship with
somebody but often times those
relationships don't really work out the
way that we want them to so if you do
want to get over a breakup then there's
actually a couple of things that you
need to do and there's kind of an
emotional journey that you need to go on
and I know that there's often advice out
there that tells you the time heals all
wounds or that the best way to forget
about your ex is to go out on a date
with like ten other people or something
like that but that in my experience has
not been the best advice out there and
it's not been the best advice for the
people that I've coached and worked with
over the years what I've actually found
is that following that sort of advice
can actually either leave you stuck like
if you're just letting time heal all of
your wounds you can end up waiting for
years even or if you're grasping outside
of yourself by trying to date more
people or jump into a new relationship
or something like that it can leave you
seeking validation from others you can
leave you're really turning over your
own well-being to somebody else and
really having to trust them to validate
you trusting them to determine what your
self-worth is which only sets you up for
more heartbreak more pain more agony in
the future and so what you want to do is
you want to actually really do the hard
work of healing your emotions and
healing your broken heart and moving on
in an appropriate sort of way there is
one thing that you should be doing first
and foremost and that is cutting contact
with your ex it doesn't have to be
forever but at least during the initial
stages of the breakup you should be
cutting contact with your ex because it
creates the context for you to actually
heal okay it's going to be very
difficult for you heal if you're
constantly in touch with your ex if
you're constantly spending time with
your ex if you're constantly
you know stalking your ex on Facebook
and seeing who they're dating or who
they're spending time with or who
they're flirting with or or all of these
things and trying to you know connect
the dots on your own and make your own
catastrophe predictions and worst case
scenario thoughts and all of that stuff
so cut contact with your ex at least for
a period of time there should be another
video on this channel about the topic of
the no contact rule for helping you heal
from a breakup so go check that out if
that's something that you need to learn
more about if that's something that
you've never heard of before beyond that
what I like you to also do is to work on
getting over your ex there's a certain
sort of emotional spectrum that people
generally go through when they are
getting over their ex on one extreme you
know immediately after the breakup you
often go through this emotional meltdown
stage then from there you start to be in
very heavily invested in what your ex is
doing or who they're doing it with right
you might stalk your ex on Facebook or
something along those lines from there
you kind of go through this sort of
rollercoaster of emotions of highs and
lows and everything in between and then
after that oftentimes people will start
to mellow out a little bit start to even
out sort of start of smooth out their
emotional experience but they often get
caught in this validation trap where
they're stuck comparing maybe the new
person that they're dating or the new
person they're in a relationship with to
their ex or to their previous
relationship and they get caught up in
this story of oh this person is better
than my ex or something like that and
there's nothing wrong with dating
somebody who's better than your ex but
as long as that is the main way that you
see them then you're going to be caught
in the validation trap and if you can
get past that finally you'll be actually
have the freedom and actually be
emotionally free to really have a real
substantial and meaningful connection
with somebody else that's just about
what the connection is it's not about
you know the past or it's not about your
ex or it's not about some previous
relationship or something like that
additionally you'll have to heal your
broken heart so getting over your ex is
one thing healing your broken heart is
another thing now broken hearts can be
what really make going through a breakup
incredibly difficult but there's a
certain sort of process that you can go
through heal your broken heart as well
too and again there's more information
on this YouTube channel about all of
this as well but when it comes to
healing your broken
there's a couple things to keep in mind
number one go ahead and mourn the loss
of your relationship feel the pain feel
it fully I know we can might want to
stuff it down to suppress it but the
more you feel it the more you'll wow it
to actually be something that you
experience the quicker you'll be able to
actually let go of it rather than
holding on to it for years and letting
it fester and turn into resentment or
bitterness or contempt next what I'd
like you to do beyond that is to really
honor the relationship that you had with
your partner really honor what you got
from it really honor what you loved
about them okay not so that you can get
caught up in all of that but so that you
can just acknowledge that it was a
wonderful thing that happened the two of
you coming together third I want you to
actually learn to let go of these
painful emotions there's a certain
process of noting the emotion
acknowledging it that it exists knowing
that just like all of your other
emotions it will eventually fade in time
and then just letting it go letting it
go and watching it drift away like a
cloud in the sky easier said than done
but with practice you can actually start
to get better at this next what I'd like
you to do what I'd recommend that you do
is for you to start turning off your BS
machine now your BS machine is sort of
that that inner critic in the back of
your mind that voice in the back of your
mind that rushes in to tell you all of
the worst things about yourself like oh
you're not lovable oh they broke up with
you because you're a loser and all of
that stuff right that's your BS machine
and as long as that is they're feeding
you bs thoughts all day long it's going
to continue to agitate your broken heart
so what you need to do is you need to
learn how to switch it off by just not
having those thoughts at all and the
last thing that you need to do in order
to heal the broken heart is to learn how
to love yourself because as long as
you're looking for someone else to love
you you'll always have this emptiness
inside of you and you'll never be truly
emotionally self-reliant now there's
nothing wrong with having someone else
to love you or wanting someone else to
love you but as long as you're unable to
actually love yourself there's going to
be this vacuum inside of you that's
constantly hungry constantly searching
for more and more and more and more and
more even when you are in a relationship
next what I want you to do is after
you've gone through all of that draw a
line in the sand and decide that this
relationship that you
this breakup that you're going through
it's going to be a wonderful growing
experience it's going to be one of the
best experiences of your life and I know
that it might feel like a kick in the
teeth right now but if you really truly
draw something from this breakup and not
just see it as some crappy thing that
happened and then go back out there and
make the same dating mistakes but if you
actually learn something from it wonder
what you want in a partner lonely you
don't want in a partner learn how you
need to be in order to have a successful
relationship learn how you need to stop
being in order to have a successful
relationship learn something from it so
that you don't repeat the same mistakes
so that you can actually gain something
from this breakup and gain some lessons
and learning some insights something so
that you can move forward into whatever
your future might look like with some
sort of great power great strength and
great knowledge okay and then finally
when you are ready when you're able to
go through all the things that I've
talked about that is when you should
start dating other people not as a sort
of band-aid to patch over your bullet
hole wound in your chest or anything
like that but but only when you are
actually able to bring the best of
yourself to the dating world that is the
only time that you should be able to
date when you are fully emotionally
available otherwise you're just gonna
end up in a rebound relationship or
you're just gonna end up repeating the
same mistakes over and over and over
again that's not something that I want
for you now of course this videos just
been a brief overview of what it takes
to actually get over a breakup but if
you'd like to learn more what I'd like
you to do is head down below this video
if you're over on our website modern
love dot life you can go ahead and click
on a link below this video and that'll
take it take you over to a page on our
website where I will tell you more about
what you need to do to get over your
breakup if on the other hand you're
watching this video over on YouTube you
can go ahead and click down in the
description box below this video and
you'll be taken over to a website called
relationship inner game
inner game.com I'll basically ask you to
fill out a short questionnaire it should
only take about 30 seconds or so I just
need to know a little bit more about you
and once I know a little bit more about
you and what you're going through and
your breakup and all that stuff I can
send you some tips advice and strategies
that will specifically help you to move
forward from your breakup based off of
what you told
me again that's over at real
relationship inner game.com but once
again this has been clay with modern
love doubt life if you've liked this
video please go ahead and give it a
thumbs up please go ahead and subscribe
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go ahead and leave a comment down below
letting me know what sorts of videos
you'd like to see me make next anyway
thank you so much I hope this video has
helped you improve your relationship in
our game
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