[Taps mic] This thing on? Just how far would you go to connect with other people?
This is Alanis Morissette's 'Hand In My Pocket' and I'm sorry for what's about to happen.
Singing karaoke to a roomful of strangers, in an outback town, sober, may
seem extreme but for this story I've gotten way out of my comfort zone.
I've cuddled complete strangers, accosted locals in the outback and tried to make
friends with people I found on a website. All of these to try and understand what
experts have called our next big public health crisis. So what have I learned?
Well, loneliness kills.
You can die. It's just as risky as physical inactivity
smoking, alcohol or obesity. We can call it a health crisis but let's call it a loneliness crisis.
Half of us feel lonely at least one day a week and one in four
Australians feel lonely most of the time. Even worse 1.5 million people have been
feeling lonely for a decade or more. I know what you're thinking in a world
where we're more connected than ever why are so many people struggling with
loneliness? Well, it turns out that the type of people who suffer from
loneliness might surprise you.
I don't think it's surprising at all.
I've gone to music events on my own, I've gone to films on my own just to see who
I can strike up a conversation with. I do have quite an intense profession working
construction. I've got lots of projects on the go constantly and it can be
difficult to make plans outside of work hours.
Gemma is young, smart and successful and she's lived and worked all around the world.
I think with social media for example Facebook it helps me to feel
connected but I think within a city people need to go beyond those apps.
I find that if you rely on your work connections often it doesn't eventuate
into close friendships because they already have their own social circles.
You don't often think about how solid your friendships are in that respect.
Professor Adrian Franklin is someone who does think about that, a lot, in fact
he's made career out of it - A lot of people think loneliness is not having
lots of people in your life but actually loneliness is when people lack
high-quality meaningful or strong relationships and also whether they've
lost a sense of belonging to something. It could be their family it could be a workplace.
Are there common triggers for loneliness in people's lives?
The 25-44 year old Australians we found that these were actually the most lonely
groups of all why is that? Well, they are in and out of jobs constantly they're
having to work very, very hard to pay for their very expensive Australian house
with, the killer one which is high rates of separation and divorce that's why
they are the most lonely. They're more lonely than the retired they're more
lonely than the very old.
It turns out there are lots of women like Emma in
Canberra trying to make meaningful connections and they're finding each
other via a website called MeetUp. - MeetUp is like a dating app but for friends
These girls are pretty open about why they're going online to find friends.
I has some friends from Sydney say you're a little bit lonely in Canberra, you don't have that many friends
try MeetUp and see how you go.
I went on Google and asked Google how to make friends in Canberra I'm
just searching for work so I don't have a friends for work yet for me it wasn't
actually difficult I'm used to Tinder dating, I think - So from tinder to MeetUp it's pretty easy.
There are times where I still experience loneliness in Canberra but I think the
more distractions you have in life the less time you have to feel lonely so
things like moving to a new place, working a lot and relying on social
media is making us lonely but the woman I'm about to meet says the connection
we're missing isn't just social it's also physical.
Every day you are touch deprived is another day on your back you know, you become more shy and more
distant from other people. - Jasmina is a professional cuddler which is the thing
that until today I had no idea existed. - The cuddle party is very interesting
thing. It's completely platonic and that is not a kind of hook up party it is just
to learn and explore touch of other person.
Jasmina says she gets clients of all ages and backgrounds coming to a cuddle party.
They can be people working for government, they can be musicians, can be teachers police force.
How many of your clients would you say are quite lonely?
I would say all of them.
You just suddenly you sit back and you reflect on your life and you think well
I used to be happier at another time as someone who is a father and then all of a
sudden they grow up you know and suddenly like you're not getting cuddles
I've been kind of torturing myself by isolating myself, not giving myself what
I need and I need need what these guys are having.
So in case you're wondering there are rules at a cuddle party, one of which stood out.
So I noticed that rule number eight is relax and don't worry if you get turned
on can you explain this rule to me it's normal that those things are happening
if they were not I would be worried actually
so if it happens the story is we justdon't act on it you know and it will go.
Well with that sorted I was ready to give it a try. Okay I'm
coming. I have to admit at the start it was this awkward as I imagined it would be
pretty soon I was getting into it a lot. - I think in general life often I am
terrified and quite anxious but there is a reassuring aspect to being touched by
people and to having people respond to your touch.
Look I might not make cuddle
parties a regular part of my weekend but I did make a few friends. Thanks guys, bye.
So far, Jasmina and the cuddlers, Gemma and the MeetUp girls they're all very
proactive about staving off loneliness but what about when loneliness becomes
so crippling you can't even leave the house
I didn't speak to anyone for over a week at one stage. I wasn't leaving the house
at all though I got to the point where I was nearly talking to myself.
For two years the only time Alan would leave the house was to buy groceries and check the
mail but his life wasn't always like this. When his grandpa fell sick a few
years ago, Alan moved states leaving his son, job and
friends behind to become a live-in carer. -He passed away in his sleep. I was
devastated just like he was like the main person in my family that really
cared and that's why I came across the country to help look after him.
- So at that point who did you have to look out for you - Pretty much myself I thought I've
got big shoulders up taking a lot over my life my time so and I can handle this
but I just couldn't do you don't want to be seen as being a softy.
Australian men in our survey we asked them what did they do when they became
seriously lonely and we gave them a list of things. Go to see your GP, talk to your
family, there was about 10 items on the list. Almost no Australian man ticked any
of them. Australian women ticked most of them. When people were seriously lonely
it was like they were locked out of their own lives they felt that they've
become invisible no one saw them anymore and they start
to withdraw they start to get depressed and they start to become sick.
I got, really weak suffered bad headaches, I went for about three days without no sleep.
They diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. - So people say that if
you're feeling lonely or isolated that you've got to just get out and go and
meet people? - It doesn't work like that, doesn't work like that at all.
They hear that so often they get so fed up with hearing it because it's much deeper and
more complicated than that it's not as easy just to go out and meet new people
and sit down and talk to people you just don't I just didn't feel like doing anything.
Alan's story is pretty heartbreaking
and all the solutions I've looked at so far cuddle parties or online friend
finders won't really work with someone who can't even leave the house. So is
there something that could hello. Laura Rowland runs
friend line a national volunteer run hotline for lonely people looking for
someone, anyone to talk to we're not counseling people we're not
giving advice we're not trained psychologists, although some people have
a background in psychology and counseling we're literally just a
conversation so kind of think about it as have a cuppa and a chat.
Laura has arranged for me to talk to one of their regular callers. Hi David it's Laura here
how're you going? Tell me a little bit about yourself?
Okay now I live in St Kilda.
David is a computer programmer but lately his health has made working
impossible. Also he has Asperger's which he says means it's hard for him to make
and keep friends. What's the the most kind of lonely that you have felt?
Well, you know, very lonely. Especially around holiday time.
1 in 4 Australians are lonely so somebody we know. Over 70% of people said it's
difficult to admit to being lonely so we know there's a huge stigma around it as well.
FriendLine gets dozens of calls a night from all around the country and
whilst the vast majority of Australians live in major cities Laura says about
half of their calls are from regional areas. So I've come to Outback New South
Wales to find out why so many people here are lonely. There's 18,000 people living
in Broken Hill which is about 250 times less than Melbourne or Sydney. So does
living in a smaller community make us feel closer and therefore less lonely?
It's a great community yeah I guess because it's so small everybody knows
everybody. - Everyone seems to know everyone but I feel like if you're
on the outside then you can be quite lonely. - Just so isolated in a lot of areas you
haven't got a licence or yeah way of getting around around you of course.
There's a few lonely people. there's a lot of people who really like that there I'm sort of
lonely myself.
I was by myself for about 18 or so months and was extremely lonely.
It's a situation Allen knows all too well
Broken Hill is his adopted hometown. - Well they say in a small town everyone knows
each other then everyone helps each other that's wrong.
I do think it is easier for people to slip through the cracks in smaller towns.
A few years ago Jenna realised that loneliness was driving people and Broken Hill to utter desperation.
They were presenting to the hospital
especially after hours and weekends. That's a really sad thing to think that
When people are lonely they're presenting to a hospital emergency room.
When I was really lonely I'd go to the hospital and I would stay there for six
weeks and then come home and it's just your head is filled with so much stuff
that you have to release it.
After divorcing his partner Jason had a breakdown. He moved to Broken Hill for a
fresh start but found himself completely alone.
When I came here to Broken Hill I was diagnosed with bipolar. A good 10-11 years I've felt that I've had nothing.
What saved Jason from complete isolation was meeting Alan.
He was sort of a the person who's withdrawn too but he's come out of his shell quite a fair
bit since he's been at this program it's amazing how much people of people have
come out of their shells.
They met at a group called connections setup specifically for lonely people in town
Tt's a free program run by Mission Australia and New South Wales Health it
gets people out of the house and interacting with the world
So I go to pretty much every connections group that's running. I'd say me
anxieties a lot better than what it was before I went to Connections.
Loneliness can be linked to the early onset of mental health issues. I believe
addressing loneliness is an early intervention strategy into reducing mental health in Australia.
We do need to look after the individual. You need to
help them but there's something that I think governments should be doing. We're
not doing anywhere near as much as some countries Britain well it's got six
million people who have got loneliness as a problem they've now got a minister with
a minister's portfolio. - A minister for loneliness would be fantastic
I think there has to be a top-down as well as a bottom-up approach as well so
national leadership.
Until that national leadership arrives Jenna and her team are making pretty big strides.
The head of mental health at the local hospital says that some
Connections clients have reduced their time at the hospital by 65 percent in just six months.
So it's not enough to prove that it cures loneliness but I
think it does show that when people are engaged in meaningful activity and
connections with other people that it is really good for their own mental health
We do activities such as going out for lunch, going to art galleries, art lessons
poetry nights, karaoke.
A few months ago getting up and singing in front of people would have been unimaginable for Alan.
- Have you sung karaoke before? - Oh no no I'm a bit nervous about the
karaoke but I think I'll get up and give it a go. I don't really know yourself now
I've changed radically, drastically. - I smile a lot more I talk a lot more.
Being here with these guys to me these guys
are family and and I love that about them.
Which brings us back to this moment. I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm
kind I'm short but I'm healthy yeah. If this journey has taught me anything
it's that turning this loneliness crisis around is going to take a lot of work
as individuals, as communities and as a country it's work we have to do.