LET'S MEET OUR GUESTS ON THE
SHOW TONIGHT, HE'S AN AWARD-WINNING ACTOR, A NEW YORK
TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR, AND HE SINGS.
THE MULTI-TALENTED, THE MIGHTY, DAVID DUCHOVNY!
CAN HERE TONIGHT, THERE HE IS, HOW WILL YOU DAVID.
>> GREAT, JAMES, HOW ARE YOU. >> James: I'M VERY, VERY WELL,
NICE TO SEE YOU. >> I'M GOING TO COME SEE, I AM
GOING TO COME SEE. >> James: DOWN THERE.
>> YEAH, I WILL COME DOWN THERE. >> James: ONLY IF YOU HAVE THE
TIME. >> I DO.
>> James: WE WILL RUN A CLIP OF THE BUBBLE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO KM DOWN, ARE YOU SURE.
>> FOR YOU, I'M THERE. >> James: I WILL COME TO YOU.
>> NO, DON'T COME TO ME, I WILL COME TO YOU.
>> James: DO YOU WANT ANYTHING.
>> I WILL TEXT YOU. >> James: DAVIDS DUCHOVNY.
HE'S AN EMMY AND TONY-NOMINATED ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM "THE WIRE,"
"ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK," "AMERICAN GODS," AND SO MUCH
MORE, THE PHENOMENAL, PABLO SCHREIBER!
IS HERE TONIGHT, PABLO, HOW ARE YOU.
>> I'M GOOD, I'M EATING SOME OF YOUR VEGETABLES.
>> James: THEY ARE NOT MY VEGETABLES, THEY ARE OURS.
>> THEY HAVE YOUR NAME ON IT. >> James: I SAW YOU EARLIER
AND I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU BECAUSE YOU HAD THESE LITTLE
PADS UNDER YOUR EYES. >> TRADE SECRETS, JAMES, WHY ARE
YOU TELLING EVERYBODY. >> James: I DON'T THINK ST T
IS A TRADE SECRET, I THINK IT IS A GOOD THING.
>> SNAIL JUICE EYE CERTIFICATE UP THING.
>> James: SNAIL JUICE. >> IT'S TRUE.
>> James: LET'S LOOK AT THE EYES, LET'S SEE IF IT HAS MADE A
GREAT-- OH MY GOD. AND LOOK, TWO POOLS IN THE
OCEAN, PABLO SCHREIBER, EVERYBODY.
AND SHE'S A MULTI-PLATINUM SELLING AND CHART-TOPPING
SINGER-SONGWRITER AND MUSICIAN, HER LATEST SINGLE, "EVERGONE" IS
OUT RIGHT NOW, AND IT'S ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!
PLEASE WELCOME THE DAZZLING, THE DIVINE, CHRISTINA PERRI
IS HERE TONIGHT. >> HELLO.
>> James: I LOVE THAT SONG OF YOURS, JAR OF.
>> THAT SONG GOT ME THROUGH SO MUCH HEARTACHE.
>> THANK YOU, ME TOO. >> James: DID IT?
>> YEAH. >> James: WHO ASK YOU WRITE IT
ABOUT. >> I FEEL LIKE EVERYBODY KNOWS I
JUST CALL IT JAR, FROM CHANGED HIS NAME TO JAR.
>> James: THAT SONG IS SO BEAUTIFUL STRKS GORGEOUS AND WE
ARE SO HAPPY ARE YOU HERE, I LOVE THE NEW SONG AND CAN'T WAIT
TO HEAR IT LATER. CHRISTINA PERRI, EVERYBODY.
♪ DO YOU REMEMBER THAT? ALL ABOUT, ALL ABOUT THE SONG IS
[BLEEP] YOU! BREAKING MY HEART LIKE THIS.
>> NO. >> James: COLLECTING YOUR JAR
OF HEARTS, OH MY GOD, THAT WAS AN ENTIRE SUMMER FOR ME.
MY MAN UP THERE, MY MAN UP THERE, LOOK AT HIM.
YES, YES. ME AND YOU, BROTHER, ME AND YOU,
WHAT IS YOUR NAME. >> JAY.
>> James: JAY, J-A-Y. >> JUST LIKE THAT.
>> James: NO JAY, NO PAY, THAT IS WHAT I SAY.
LOVE THAT. LOVE THAT.
ME AND YOU, COLLECTING A JAR OF HEARTS.
>> WITHOUT DO YOU THINK ARE YOU ARE.
HOW THAT GOES? >> James: YEAH.
GO ON, GIVE IT US TO, WAIT. GO ON, GIVE IT TO US, GO.
>> NO, I'M GOOD. ALL I WILL LET HER SING FOR US.
>> James: WHO DO YOU THINK ARE.
>> COLLECTING YOUR JAR OF HEARTS.
>> James: WELL, IT'S THAT TIME, IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS
TODAY, SENATOR SUSAN COLLINS ANNOUNCED SHE WILL VOTE TO
CONFIRM KETANJI BROWN JACKSON. BECOMING THE 1st REPUBLICAN
SENATOR TO BACK PRESIDENT BIDEN'S SUPREME COURT NOMINEE.
SHE'S THE FIRST REPUBLICAN TO SUPPORT BIDEN'S PICK, BUT SHE
WON'T BE THE LAST. OKAY, IT'S VERY POSSIBLE SHE'S
THE LAST. SUSAN COLLINS.
IT SOUNDS LIKE THE NAME OF EVERYONE IN MY MOTHER'S BOOK
CLUB. JACKSON'S CONFIRMATION HAD BEEN
VIRTUALLY ASSURED, BUT COLLINS' SUPPORT MEANS HER CONFIRMATION
WILL BE BIPARTISAN. IS THIS REAL BI-PARTISANSHIP, OR
COULD KNOW WHAT I MEAN OR IS SUSAN COLLINS JUST THE LAST
PERSON TO SAY YES TO A PLAN IN THE GROUP TEXT?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. YOU'RE NO HERO, SUSAN.
WE WERE GOING TO CHILI'S WITH OR WITHOUT YOU.
IN OTHER NEWS, 21 STATES ARE NOW SUING THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION
TO END THE FEDERAL TRAVEL MASK MANDATE.
YOU MOW WHAT THIS MEANS. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DUCT TAPE
21 STATES TO THEIR SEATS HERE'S MY QUESTION, WHO ARE
THESE PEOPLE THAT WANT TO SEE STRANGERS' MOUTHS SO BADLY WHILE
THEY'RE TRAVELING? 21 STATES HAVE FILED LAWSUITS.
BUT SUING THE ADMINISTRATION SEEMS LIKE A LOT, WHEN ALL YOU
HAVE TO DO TO GET AROUND THE MASK MANDATE IS JUST NURSE A
DIET COKE FOR THE ENTIRE FLIGHT. "YEAH, I'M STILL WORKING ON
THIS." THAT'S IT.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A FLIGHT WHERE YOU SAT NEXT TO SOMEONE AWFUL OR
AN AWFUL FLIGHT WITH PEOPLE AROUND YOU.
>> SOMETIMES YOU SIT NEXT TO SOMEONE AND THEY FIND OUT YOU
ARE A FAMOUS COMEDIAN AND THEY START TELLING YOU WEIRD ESOTERIC
STORIES OF THEIR LIFE AND THEY ARE LIKE WE CAN PUT THAT IN YOUR
ACT, MY AUNT WENT AND THE FRIEND DISAPPEARED AND YOU CAN NEVER
FIND THEM AND HIS WIFE BURIED HIS COUSIN AND YOU CAN PUT THAT
IN YOUR ACT. AND ARE YOU LIKE-- LIKE I THINK
IT SAY MURDER YOU JUST DESCRIBED.
>> James: I WAS ONCE ON A FLIGHT, IN 2 THOUSAND, AND I WAS
FLYING ON MY OWN FROM LONDON TO L.A., HI A QUICK TURN AROUND.
AND THEN L.A. TO SYDNEY. SO BASICALLY 24 HOURS IN THE
AIR. TOO LONDON LEG GETS SLIGHTLY
DELAYED, A NIGHTMARE WHERE YOU SAID YOUR BAG WAS GET TAKEN
DIRECTLY ON THE PLANE, THEY DIDN'T.
I HAD TO PICK THEM UP. THOUGHT I WOULD MISS THE FLIGHT,
A WHOLE STRESS, ET GET ON THE PLANE, IN THE MIDDLE SEAT AND A
GUY SITS DOWN NEXT TO ME ND HE HAD THIS HUGE, I CAN ONLY
DESCRIBE IT AS A HUGE BAG OF ALMONDS, RIGHT, HUGE.
AND HE SITS DOWN NEXT TO ME, LIKE THIS, IN THE MIDDLE SEAT,
AND I HAD MY HEADPHONES ON AND AN EYE MASK LIKE THAT.
AND AS HE SAT DOWN I COULD SEE HIM WALKING TOWARDS ME WHOPPING
HIS ALMONDS AND HE WENT LIKE, THIS I PROMISE THIS IS TRUE.
HE WENT HEY ROOMY. AND HE PUTS HIS STUFF UP IN THE
THING. HE SITS DOWN, WITH LIKE
REAL-- HE SAT HERE AND HE GOES LONG FLIGHT AND I GO HMMMM.
>> AND HE GOES HERE'S THE PLAN. I CHOOSE THREE TOPICS.
YOU CHOOSE THREE TOPICS, AND WE'LL TALK OUR WAY ALL THE WAY
DOWN UNDER. AND I LOOKED AT HIM AND I JUST
WENT LIKE THIS. (APPLAUSE)
THAT WAS IT I THOUGHT I CAN'T EVEN ENGAGE IT.
HERE'S THE NEWS. >> James: AND THIS MORNING, NASA
ASTRONAUT MARK VANDE HEI RETURNED TO EARTH AFTER SPENDING
355 DAYS ON THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION, SETTING THE
RECORD FOR THE LONGEST US SPACEFLIGHT.
HE WAS LIKE, "I'M SURE I DIDN'T MISS MUCH."
AS LONG AS BIDEN HAS HIGH APPROVAL RATINGS, GAS IS THREE
DOLLARS A GALLON, AND WILL SMITH IS STILL UNIVERSALLY BELOVED,
I'M GOOD. ASK I BE HONEST AM I'M OVER
SPACE NOW. I'M JUST DONE WITH T DONE
TALKING ABOUT IT. EVERYONE-- I'M OVER IT ELON
MUSK, BEZOS GOING, BRANSON IS GOING, PETE DAVIDSON IS NOT
GOING. I'M JUST OUT.
I'M OUT ON SPACE, AND ST NOT EVEN HAPPENING, I'M DONE WITH T
I'M BORED WITH IT, SO LIKE SOMEONE IS TELLING ME THEY ARE
GOING TO TULUM. SURE, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, GET
OVER IT, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
YOU WANT TOIM PRESS ME, SPEND 355 GAYS IN A PANERA BREAD.
THAT IS IMPRESSIVE. (APPLAUSE)
I FEEL LIKE WE NEED A NEW TERM FOR BROKE THE RECORD BECAUSE
BROKE THE RECORD FOR LONGEST SPACEFLIGHT ISN'T THE SAME AS
BROKE THE RECORD FOR MOST SNAILS ON YOUR FACE.
THAT'S REAL. HERE'S A PICTURE OF IT,
YET, BOTH GUYS CAN CALL THEMSELVES RECORD-BREAKERS.
BUT THEY'RE NOT THE SAME THING. THERE SHOULD BE DIFFERENT SPOTS
IN THE WORLD RECORD BOOK, LONGEST SPACE FLIGHT.
AND ACCORDING TO A RECENT STUDY, SIX IN TEN WORKERS HAVE QUIT
THEIR JOB BECAUSE THEIR OFFICE WASN'T PET FRIENDLY.
THE OTHER FOUR ARE IN A STABLE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP AND DON'T
NEED TO FILL THE VOID BY CATERING THEIR LIFE TO A PET.
BUT DON'T GET ANY IDEAS. WE TALKED ABOUT THIS, LOUIS.
A SHOULDER PARROT IS NOT APPROPRIATE IN A TV STUDIO.
HAS ANYONE BROUGHT THEIR PET TO WORK?
JARED, YOU BOUGHT YOUR PET. >> HE WAS A 60 POUND SHEEP DOG,
I BROUGHT HIM. HE [BLEEP] ALL OVER THE ROOM.
>> James: HOW DID I MESS THAT, YOUR DOG COMING, WAS IT A
FRIDAY. >> YEAH, FRIDAY.
>> James: THAT WOULD EXPLAIN IT IT.
I THINK WE SHOULD ORGANIZE A DAY WHERE EVERYONE BRINGS THEIR PETS
FOR THE SHOW TAPING. I WOULD LIKE THAT, BRING YOUR
PET DAY, NATE, WHAT IS UP. >> IT IS NOT ALLOWED ANY MORE.
THEY USED TO ALLOW PETS AT CBS BUT THEY SENT AN EMAIL OUT.
>> James: WHEN WAS THE EMAIL. >> TWO, PRECOVID, LIKE TWO YEARS
AGO. >> James: RIGHT.
>> BECAUSE SOMEONE'S DOG, VERY LARGE DOG, JARED, TOOK A [BLEEP]
IN THE ELEVATOR AND-- AND LEFT IT THERE.
NO MORE PETS AT CBS ANY MORE. >> James: THAT'S IT, HANG ON,
LAUREN IS PIPING IN, WHAT IS UP. >> A CELEBRITY'S DOG.
>> James: OH, WAS IT REALLY? BLEERP BLEEP.
>> James: NO, NO IT WASN'T. >> YES [BLEEP] DOG TOOK A
[BLEEP] IN. >> AND BECAUSE OF THAT WE CAN'T
HAVE DOGS IN THE OFFICE, YEAH. >> James: SO THERE IS NO WAY
AROUND IT, WE CAN'T HAVE A BRING YOUR PET TO WORK DAY.
>> IT SOUNDS LIKE WE HAVE TO BRING [BLEEP] TO COME AND HAVE
AN APOLOGY. >> James: COULD YOU GET AROUND
THAT EASY. EASILY.
CUZ WHEN YOU WALK DOWN THAT CORRIDOR IN THE BASEMENT YOU CAN
TELL THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO CLEARLY CARE ABOUT THE-- THAT
COR I DO FROM THE GROUND, FROM THE PARKING LOT TO THE LIFT, WAS
SO-- DRAB AND FOR AGES WE ARE LIKE THEY ARE DOING IT, THEY ARE
REPAVING IT. AND SHOW, SHOW THEY MANAGED TO
MAKE IT WORSE. GO ON, DAVE.
>> SEND ME A PHOTO WHEN THEY REPAINTED IT, I THOUGHT IT WAS A
BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO. THE FLOOR IS SO GRAY.
>> James: YEAH, IT IS A BIZARRE COLOR TO CHOOSE.
>> IT IS SO WEIRD. IT IS SO STRANGE.
I WAS LIKE SO EXCITED OH COOL, NEW PICTURES.
CUZ IT USED TO BE THESE COLORFUL, REMEMBER THE STUFF WE
USED DO IN THE PAST. AND NOW IT IS JUST LIKE AH,
TELEVISION, IT WAS A GOOD TIME WHILE IT LASTED.
>> James: ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
AND THEN FOR SOME REASON THERE IS LOADS OF PICTURES OF JUST
WHAT CBS LOOKED LIKE IN THE '50S, AND THERE IS A PHOTO OF
ME. >> YEAH, AT THE END.
>> James: LOOKING SO DEPRESSED.
IT'S LIKE I'M LITERALLY LIKE THIS, A PHOTO OF ME LIKE THIS.
>> James: AND DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?
BRITISH CUSTOMERS AND RETAILERS ARE BEING TOLD TO BE ON THE
LOOKOUT FOR FAKE CHOCOLATE BECAUSE SOMEONE IN THE U.K.
IS APPARENTLY SELLING COUNTERFEIT WONKA BARS.
FAKE WONKA BARS. OR AS I CALL IT, STILL
CHOCOLATE. THEY WARN THE FAKE WONKA BARS
ARE BEING MADE BY UNREGISTERED BUSINESSES THAT MAY NOT FOLLOW
FOOD HYGIENE LAWS. HYGIENE LAWS?
LAST I REMEMBER AT WILLY WONKA'S FACTORY, A KID FELL IN THE
CHOCOLATE RIVER AND THEY KEPT RIGHT ON WITH IT LIKE IT WAS
BUSINESS AS USUAL. THERE IS NO WORSE HYGIENE THAN
THE WONKA FACTORY, I'M SORRY. IN A WORLD WHERE WE TALK ABOUT
THINGS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE PROBLEMATIC IN MOVIES, THEY
COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT AUGUSTUS GLOOP, HE IMOAS AM THAT
RIVER, AND THEY DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP].
THEY'RE LIKE WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU DOUBLE DOWN SWEETS.
♪ IT'S LIKE-- THE CHILD, THIS CHILD, THERE IS A CHILD IN THE
RIVER. ♪ HE WENT UP A TUBE, HE GOT
SUCKED UP A TUBE, GONE. >> LIKE MIKE TEEVEE GOT SHRUNK,
HE'S DISGUSTING WHAT THEY DISW TO CHILDREN THERE.
DISGUSTING. >> CHARLIE BUCKET CHOPPED
HIMSELF IN HALF IN THAT FIZZY DRINK SILO.
THEY DIDN'T GUFF A [BLEEP] >> James: NO, THEY HAD TO BURP
THEIR WAY DOWN, IT'S DISGUSTING. >> 30 SECONDS LATER THEY ARE
LICKING ACID OFF THE WALL THARK PLACE IS CRAZY.
>> James: I HEARD SOMETHING SO DIFFERENT, I WAS LIKE I DON'T
REMEMBER THAT BIT. AND FINALLY DIE SON ANNOUNCED
THED TODAY THAT THEY'RE GETTING INTO
THE HEADPHONE BUSINESS. THIS FALL, THEY'LL BE RELEASING
A PAIR OF NOISE-CANCELING BLUETOOTH HEADPHONES, WITH A
BUILT IN AIR PURIFIER. HERE IT IS HERE,
LUCKILY, BETWEEN THE SOUND OF THE MUSIC AND THE SOUND OF THE
AIR PURIFIER, YOU WON'T HEAR EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT HOW
INSANE YOU LOOK. ROOKIE AT IT AGAIN.
THE PRODUCT IS CALLED THE ZONE A CLEVER MASHUP OF ZERO FRIENDS
AND ALONE. HOW LONG BEFORE REGGIE WATTS
WALKS INTO THE BUILDING WITH THAT ON.
WILL YOU BUY THEM. >> Reggie: SEND IT TO ME.
>> James: YOU WILL BUY IT RIGHT.
>> Reggie: I WILL WEAR IT THEY'RE GREAT FOR CANCELING OUT
NOISE POLLUTION, AIR POLLUTION, AND OF COURSE,
DEFEATING BATMAN. AND THAT'S THE NEWS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.