♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JONA BATISTE.
JON, ARE YOU AS EXCITED AS I AM OF TONIGHT'S MUSICAL GUEST?
I'M A BIG FAN.
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT GUY.
HE'S GOING.
>> Stephen: HE'S A COMER.
HE'S THE COMING MAN IS WHAT HE IS.
WHAT SONG ARE YOU DOING US TONIGHT FROM YOUR NEW ALBUM "WE
ARE"?
>> Jon: I'M GOING TO DO "I NEED YOU."
I WANT TO DO THAT BECAUSE WE NEED THE JOY.
WE NEED EACH OTHER, BABY.
>> Stephen: AND IT'S PACKED WITH IT.
IT'S PACKED WITH JOY LIKE PENUTS IN A SNICKER'S BAR.
GIVE US A LITTLE TEASE OF WHAT'S COMING.
>> Jon: JUST A LITTLE BIT.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: STICK AROUND FOR
THAT, EVERYBODY.
JON BATISTE.
>> Jon: GOT TO WAIT FOR THE RIFFUPON
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, EVERY NIGHT I SCOUR THE DIAMOND MARKET
FOR THE SHINIEST, MOST TOPICAL GEMS OF STORIES, THEN I LOVINGLY
ARRANGE AND SET THEM INTO A HAND-CAST, SOLID, 24-CARAT GOLD
NECKLACE TO CREATE FOR YOU THE CARTIER MASTERPIECE THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES I GET ARRESTED FOR ILLEGALLY
TRADING BOOTLEG ENDANGERED MEAT AND GET SENT UP FOR A FIVE SPOT
WHERE ME AND SPIDER, WHO GOT PINCHED FOR HIS GOAT FIGHTING
RING, SCRAPE TOGETHER SOME BOTTLE CAPS, BUSTED PRETZELS,
AND DISCARDED LIFE SAVERS CANDIES WE FOUND IN THE
INFIRMARY AFTER A JUMP-OFF, STRING 'EM ONTO SOME GREASY HAIR
WE STOLE FROM CRUSHER'S PONYTAIL WHILE HE WAS KNOCKED OUT ON HIS
MEDS, ALL TO CREATE FOR YOU THE PRISON CRAFTROOM CHOKER OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, "CATS ARE JUST AS DISLOYAL AS
YOU SUSPECTED, A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS."
WHICH MEANS WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS:
♪ ♪ ♪ CATS ARE (BLEEP).
IN 2015, RESEARCHERS "HAD DOGS SEE A SITUATION IN WHICH A THIRD
PARTY WOULD EITHER HELP THEIR OWNER OR TURN THEIR BACK ON
THEM."
WHEN THE THIRD PARTY SPURNED THE OWNER'S PLEA FOR HELP, THE DOGS
SEEMINGLY TOOK IT PERSONALLY AND TENDED TO AVOID TAKING A TREAT
FROM THEM."
WHEREAS, IN THE EXACT SAME TEST, "CATS SHOWED NO PREFERENCE
FOR PEOPLE WHO TREAT THEIR OWNERS POSITIVELY OVER THOSE
WHO BEHAVE NEGATIVELY TOWARDS THEM."
CONFIRMED: YOUR CAT DOES NOT HAVE YOUR BACK.
"HEY, I NOTICE YOU'VE BEEN STABBED IN THE NECK, MASTER.
YOU MIND SHOWING YOUR ASSAILANT WHERE THE PANTRY IS BEFORE YOU
PASS OUT?
THAT TUNA ISN'T GONNA OPEN ITSELF."
ALSO, BAD NEWS FOR BOND VILLAINS.
THAT CAT MAY TURN ON YOU.
THAT'S WHY Q ALWAYS GIVES JAMES BOND A PEN THAT ALSO WORKS AS A
LASER POINTER.
AND THIS BRINGS ME TO MORE BREAKING NEWS:
♪ ♪ ♪ BREAKING NEWS: "DOGS GIVE A
RAT'S ASS IF YOU LIVE OR DIE."
WHO SPURNS MY NEMESIS?
YOU DO!
YOU GOT A VENDETTA.
YOU DO!
GOOD BOY!
QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE MEDICAL DIRECTOR OF ENGLAND'S NATIONAL
HEALTH SERVICE HAS WARNED AGAINST TAKING GWYNETH PALTROW'S
COVID ADVICE.
NOW, WAIT JUST A VAGINA CANDLE MINUTE!
IF WE CAN'T TRUST THE ACTOR LADY WHO SELLS YONI ROCKS AND
VA-JAY-JAY STEAMERS FOR MEDICAL ADVICE, WHO CAN WE TRUST?!
REESE WITHERSPOON?
SHE DOESN'T SELL ANYTHING TO JAM UP MY ORIFICES.
I GUESS DRAPER JAMES SELLS SUNGLASSES, BUT WHY WOULD I JAM
THEM WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE?!
IT SEEMS PALTROW HAS BEEN CLAIMING YOU CAN RELIEVE COVID
EFFECTS WITH DUBIOUS TREATMENTS, LIKE A "KETO AND PLANT-BASED"
DIET, "LOTS OF COCONUT AMINOS" AND SUGAR-FREE KOMBUCHA AND
KIMCHI," AND "INTUITIVE FASTING."
AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT "INTUITIVE FASTING" MEANS, THINK
OF IT AS "CONSCIOUSLY UNCOUPLING" FROM NUTRIENTS.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN MEAT NEWS, AUTHORITIES SEIZED NEARLY 300
POUNDS OF CONTRABAND BOLOGNA AT THE SOUTHERN BORDER.
NO WORD ON THE IDENTITY OF THE BOLOGNA CARTEL'S LEADER.
SO FAR, ALL THEY KNOW IS HE DOES HAVE A FIRST NAME, AND IT'S
"O-S-C-A-R."
NOW, IT'S ILLEGAL TO BRING FOREIGN BOLOGNA INTO THE U.S.,
IN PART, DUE TO THE RISK OF TRANSMITTING FOREIGN DISEASES.
BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING PEOPLE WHO EAT BOLOGNA ARE KNOWN
FOR, IT'S BEING HEALTH CONSCIOUS.
NOW, LONGTIME VIEWERS OF THE "QUARANTINE-WHILE" SUPER-SEGMENT
"MEANWHILE" MIGHT BE EXPERIENCING A STRONG SENSE OF
DEJA VU, BECAUSE IN NOVEMBER OF 2019, I NOTED A SIMILAR STORY:
MEANWHILE, IN MEAT NEWS, CUSTOMS AND BORDER PROTECTION SEIZED 154
POUNDS OF "PROHIBITED BOLOGNA" THIS WEEK AT THE U.S.-MEXICO
BORDER CROSSING IN EL PASO, TEXAS.
BORDER PATROL AGENTS SEIZED THE MEAT, BUT THE CRIMINAL FLED THE
SCENE.
SO AUTHORITIES ARE ASKING THE PUBLIC TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR
THIS VEHICLE.
( LAUGHTER )
"QUARANTINE-WHILE" SUB-SUBSEGMENT: "TOLD YA SO."
TONIGHT "ON TOLD YA SO": TOLD YA SO.
I WARNED AMERICA ABOUT THE GROWING BOLOGNA THREAT, AND YET,
AMERICA DID NOTHING.
AND NOW IT'S GROWN FROM 154 POUNDS OF PROHIBITED BOLOGNA TO
NEARLY 300 POUNDS OF "CONTRABAND BOLOGNA."
AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S NEXT: 600 POUNDS OF "FORBIDDEN
BOLOGNA."
AND YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHERE THEY'RE HIDING IT.
LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY: YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO PUT A PAIR OF
DRAPER JAMES SUNGLASSES THERE.
TAKE ACTION, AMERICA, BECAUSE WE CAN EITHER DO SOMETHING NOW OR
SEE THIS ALL PLAY OUT LATER IN THE UPCOMING SERIES: "NARCOS:
DELI COUNTER."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪