Welcome to Bikini Bottom Inquirer.
Here's three time Poolitzer Prize nominee,
Perch Perkins.
Tonight's top stories:
Local Fish finds himself struggling
to keep his head above water
before remembering he is already underwater.
Then the Krusty Krab is under fire
for violating health laws, safety laws
and the very laws of physics.
His money's no good here.
What are you saying, Mr. Squidward?
Wait.
How is there a glass of water if we're already under water?
Stop breaking the laws of physics!
And finally, a beloved local bubble citizen nearly harmed
after being wrongfully accused of poisoning...
- He poisoned our water supply! - ...arson...
- Burned our crop! - ... and biological warfare.
And delivered a plague onto our houses!
But first, does Goo Lagoon need more bathrooms?
We have a caller on the line
with his thoughts on the subject.
In a new segment we call...
"The Potty Report".
Harold, can you hear me?
There's only one bathroom stall on the entire beach,
and I've been waiting in this line for over two hour!
Come on! What's the hold up?!
Wow, that's powerful stuff.
But now, we turn to a death defying story
of one fish who came face to face with the high tide.
[siren blaring]
Local surf bum Scooter the Fish was buried alive
at his own request earlier today.
Kids bury me! [laughing]
While it may have seemed like fun and games at first...
All done.
[in slow motion] All done.
When this anonymous bubble failed to dig him up in time...
Don't just stand, dude. The tide's coming in.
[laughing]
Scooter found himself face to face with the high tide.
In an incident that left this poor fish
completely under water.
[laughing]
What's that?
Folks, our fact checking team has just informed me
that fish can indeed survive underwater.
So...
Yeah, a fish ended up underwater.
Seriously, I-I don't see why this is even news.
Now, over to the much less attractive reporter,
Lurch Lurkins for today's weather.
Lurch, how you doing?
What's that, Perch?
I couldn't hear you over your insecurities.
[laughing]
All right, all you invertebrates and vertebrates,
get ready to hibernate
because according to local mammals,
winter has come early,
Despite it being Leif Ericson Day,
which we all know falls on October ninth,
the latest barometric readings from resident scientist
Sandy Cheek's tree dome, already show weather patterns
that usually only appear in midwinter.
What's the cause of this fishy forecast?
Nobody knows.
But what we do know is that Sandy's tree dome
is looking more like a snow globe open
for a fintastic ski season.
Huh? Huh?
Get it? Because... a fish and... fin... uh...
[clearing throat]
Back to you, Perch.
Oh, Lurch. Neither attractive nor funny.
Maybe leave the jokes to me. I- Oh.
[clearing throat] Um, I-I swear that's not mine.
Next up, some seriously fishy news
from the Bikini Bottom Health Department.
You might want to start eating at the Chum Bucket
because recent reports suggest that the Krusty Krab
might not be as sanitary as we once thought.
That's right. Everyone's favorite
crab trap shaped eatery was caught violating
numerous health and safety laws this morning.
This security footage captured the restaurant's owner himself,
Eugene Krabs, prechewing a customer's food
before serving it to her.
Warning: This footage is not for the faint of heart.
If you're easily grossed out, you might want to look away now.
Ugh.
I forgot that I'm easily grossed out.
Krabs was also seen giving himself an amateur tattoo
in the dining area of the restaurant.
While somehow fitting himself
into a tiny cash register drawer,
breaking the laws of physics
and bringing up many health code concerns.
We have an anonymous caller on the line now with his take
on this disgusting mess.
While what Mr. Krabs is doing is no doubt disgusting,
what I think is even more disgusting
is that the cashier, Squidward Q. Tentacles,
whom you might remember as the guy voted most likely
to suck eggs in high school,
is apparently serving bottles of pure shampoo
instead of a proper drink.
I mean, what self respecting person
would work at such an uncivilized establishment?
Look at it.
They don't even have chairs at all the tables.
Interesting take.
Thanks. Squill... I mean anonymous caller.
These accusations with rumors that the Krusty Krab
is harboring and knowingly dealing with wanted criminals
means you might want to think twice
before taking your business there.
The good news is the Chum Bucket has plenty of dining options.
And they have a new menu that sources say is
quantifiable less disgusting than the old menu.
So, maybe it's time to take your business there.
Paid for by Sheldon J. Plankton.
Sir, your lunch is here.
Yeah, no, no, that- that- that smells awful.
Take it away.
This next story is of the shocking allegations
that were laid at the feet
of an innocent, squeaky clean citizen,
Bubble Buddy.
Pop the bubble! Pop the bubble!
What seemed to have started as some sort of sewing circle,
turned quickly into a slippery situation
that provoked an angry mob.
Pop the bubble!
[screaming]
While nobody can confirm the reason
that over 20 beachgoers all happen to be carrying
sewing needles, what is confirmed
is that they quickly turned them
on one beachgoer by the name of Bubble Buddy,
who was apparently ruining their day.
Give us that bubble!
While a few in the crowd did cite minor grievances,
the bubble apparently caused them...
You and that bubble have been nothing but trouble!
It's time to end it!
Perhaps the most shocking allegation can be heard here.
He poisoned our water supply, burned our crops
and delivered a plague onto our houses!
[everyone] He did?
Those are some serious accusations indeed.
But is there any truth to them?
Our fact checkers have confirmed that since we are underwater,
it is virtually impossible to burn the crops.
The water supply, presumably the entire ocean
has not been poisoned, and there is no evidence
of a plague being delivered to any houses.
In fact, there's no evidence
of any houses at all in Bikini Bottom.
Everyone seems to live in these muffler thingies
these days.
So if Mr. Buddy didn't actually commit
any of these crimes, then what in the name of Neptune
gives this angry mob the right to drive
an up floating citizen out of town?
After speaking with Bubble Buddy,
he said the whole incident made him feel "hollow" inside.
While he tried to put on a brave face,
we here at the Bikini Bottom Inquirer,
could see right through him.
I think I speak for all of us here
when I say... my heart is broken
at the loss of this wonderful citizen.
We're here for ya, Bubble Buddy.
We're here for ya.
Don't you cry, Perch? You swore you wouldn't cry.
[whimpering]
[crying]
Well, it looks like somebody needs Lurch Lurkins,
the more composed reporter to step in and save the day.
Thanks for joining us. I'm Lurch Lurkins
and this concludes our evening's Bikini Bottom Inquirer.
That's all the news that's fit to float.
Good night.