There is one little word that changed my life, more than once and nearly ruined my relationship.
In this video, I’m gonna explain why and help you to avoid destroying your relationships
with this seemingly innocent three-letter word.
That’s right three letters …. B - U - T = BUT
“That was a lovely audition, honestly very nice, BUT…you are just not right for this show, I'm sorry”
“This last year has been really hard for the company. You have been exceptional throughout,
putting in the hours, making an extra effort to help us pull through…BUT
I am afraid we have to make some cuts, and so we won’t be renewing your contract."
B: “There’s something I want to say to you.” A: “OK, I’m all ears”
B: “You are the most amazing girl I have ever met. The time we have spent together
has been wonderful, truly…BUT I’m in love with someone else!”
Those are very painful memories…and…this
little terror of a word is responsible for much more than just a few rejections.
Let’s get technical! But (used in the way we
are exploring today) is a conjunction and we use it to introduce a phrase or clause
that is contrasting with what has already been said.
Basically, if you make a statement and then you say but, you just invalidate that statement.
‘You did a great job but we have to let you go’ - No, if you really thought I had done a great job
you would keep me on. ‘I love you
but I can’t be with you’ - Well if you really loved me then you would stay and we
would work out any differences that we have. ‘I am sorry I shouted at you but you wound
me up’ - Then you are obviously not sorry because you are shifting the blame onto me.
You see even if your initial statement is completely sincere and honest,
using the word but just destroys that sentiment.
This was particularly apparent when ‘but’ nearly broke up my family. You see,
for the past two years, I have been working with my life partner, the father of my two children,
Nick. Having been together for over five years we are in that comfy place, you know,
the point where you no longer sweat the small stuff, where you speak your mind,
rarely dress up, and no longer try to impress one another. In short, we take each other for
granted. What I didn’t realise was the damage my choice of words was causing this relationship.
We were spending our evenings brainstorming ideas for our business and,
later on, problem-solving & strategising. Now Nick has been working with a team for years
but I have been working alone, making videos, by myself …and it showed. When Nick would suggest
ideas and solutions that I was not on board with, I would deflect it by saying things like:
“Yeah but we can’t do that” “I understand you are passionate
about this but I don’t like it” “It’s good but it won’t work”
In my mind I was simply being open and direct, trying to get the work done.
Nick on the other hand was feeling more and more deflated, unappreciated, and unhappy. We
were spiralling and I even starting to doubt if we would ever get back into a good place again.
Luckily for us, we have an incredible coping strategy, when things start to have a negative
impact on our relationship we are able to stop and properly talk things through without shouting
and getting upset, and resolve our differences. Nick taught me the dangers of using
but, and we worked out some great options to use instead, options I am going to share with you.
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Now let’s return to the conjunction BUT. It’s a wonderful word really, very useful;
however, it is overused and as we have seen, in certain circumstances it can be abrupt.
There are many other words that we can use to replace but, though it’s important to note
that in almost all cases the sentence will need to be restructured.
And is a great option, this gives you the opportunity to give more
reason to your contrasting clause. Let’s revisit
‘I love you but I can’t be with you’ ‘I love you and I can’t be with
you’ - this is simply confusing and needs more detail. So let’s pad it out.
‘I love you like a brother not as a boyfriend and staying with you isn’t fair on either of us,
for this reason, I can’t be with you’ - this at least gives justification to the
decision to leave and doesn’t disregard the fact that she does actually care about him.
Instead of shutting an idea down try showing that you are open to collaboration and bending.
“I understand you are passionate about this but I don’t like it”
“I understand you are passionate about this, and I’m keen to find
an option that is also inline with my ideas. Currently this option is a bit of a stretch.”
This version is less direct and less likely to get the other person’s back up.
Instead of BUT you might also consider one of these words
* however You are a great worker; however,
we have to make you redundant * Though
This is a great idea, though I need help understanding it more.
* Although You are welcome to come to the party,
although you won’t know anyone there. * nevertheless
He is a very intelligent student with great potential; nevertheless, he is disruptive and
cannot remain a student at this school. * Despite this
Your audition was the best we have ever seen.
Despite this, we shan’t be offering you a part in our play.
Any of these options will allow you to avoid repetition.
No matter what words you choose when talking to important people in your life, just remember that
they aren’t mind-readers, they don’t know your true intentions, or if you have been having a bad
day…they only know what you present to them. So speak with kindness,
challenge them with consideration, and remember that words can impact people in different ways.