Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here.
I am 6'1."
And I've been this height since I was 12.
[ Light laughter ] Yes.
First day of high school, I walked into this --
"Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. The teacher's here."
[ Laughter ]
The rude girl in the front raises his hand, like,
"Miss, ain't you our teacher?"
"Um, no, I'm your classmate.
What do you think this is, '21 Jump Street?'"
[ Laughter ]
Elementary school was worse, because I was chunky.
Yeah, and when you're a fat kid growing up,
you got to go the extra mile to make friends.
I was doing stuff like magic and taxes.
[ Laughter ]
I'd be on the playground like, "Abracadabra, it's an audit.
Let's play." [ Laughter and applause ]
I did get bullied every once in a while.
One day I came home from school traumatized.
I'm crying in the mirror like, "This is it.
I don't have any friends. I'm going to run away."
And my knees looked up at me like,
"Baby, we ain't running nowhere."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
My guardian angel pops up,
"Chloe, you can't run away. Tomorrow is pizza day.
Ye-e-es!"
[ Applause ]
"Thank you, pepperoni. I'm staying."
Oh, come on, don't act like pizza day
wasn't the best day of elementary school.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah!
That cement block of dough,
those two little Basquiat paint brushes of tomato paste,
the cheese -- the cheese, it never melted.
It just stared at you like,
"You're going to get cancer at 50. Um...
[ Laughter ]
This is not real cheese."
I think about my childhood a lot 'cause I'm not an adult.
Yeah. My parents have been married for over 40 years.
My mom was 19. My dad was 24 when they got married.
Meanwhile, I'm 38, single,
and I like to take pictures the of ugly babies in public.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, yeah, come on, you can't get mad at me
for having pictures of your gremlin in my smartphone.
[ Laughter ] Yeah.
Oh, if you're not laughing,
uh, I probably got your relative in my phone right now.
[ Laughter and applause ] Yeah.
I used to be a very mature adult, don't get me wrong.
Before I was a comedian, I was a journalist.
I did investigative reporting for over a decade.
And then I realized, people don't read.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, so I found another dream.
And now, in the eyes of my parents, you know,
it's a competition.
My younger brother's 15 years younger, and he's killing it.
So now my parents look at me
like I'm the first pancake.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, you ever go to make pancakes,
it's been a long time.
The batter's extra lumpy.
You're looking like, "Hopefully it'll work itself out."
[ Laughter ]
You pour it in the pan. The pan is way too hot.
It burns instantly. It's not even round,
it's oblong staring up at you like,
"Mom, Dad, what are we going to do about this?"
You're like, "Um, we're going to put you
at the bottom of the stack, and hopefully in 38 years,
somebody will want this messed-up pancake."
[ Audience "ahh"s ] Oh, yeah, okay, fine.
All hope is not lost.
Okay, my brother, he went to Yale University.
Yes.
But he majored in photography.
[ Laughter and applause ]
At Yale University.
Listen, y'all, it's time to warm this pancake up, okay?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, yeah, my parents are devastated.
They called me up, "Chloe, can you please
talk some sense into your brother?"
"Mom, Dad, don't worry about it."
I called him up at Yale.
"Hey, Chad, follow your dreams."
[ Laughter ]
I'm not an adult.
Now, listen, just because you have a life dream
and it doesn't pan out, doesn't mean you throw
your whole life away.
I thought I had my life figured out.
When I was in my early 20s, me and my girlfriends
would get together for brunch.
We'd sit around the table, talk about our future.
"I'm going to get married. You're going to get married.
You're going to get married.
I'm going to have a baby. You're going to have a baby.
You're going to have a baby.
I'm going to start a fashion line.
You're going to start a fashion line.
You're going to start a fashion line."
None of us knew how to settle.
But now I'm almost 40.
The conversation is much more realistic.
"I'm going to get a roommate. You're going to get a roommate.
You're going to get a roommate." [ Laughter and applause ]
"I'm going to get a cat. You're going to get a cat.
You're going to get a cat." [ Laughter ]
"I'm going to go to therapy. You're going to therapy."
Thank you, guys. My name is Chloe.
Thank you so much! [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Chloe Hilliard!
For more, visit chloehilliard.com.