Loneliness is when you have an unmet need for belonging; when you miss mattering to
someone.
“One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don't
come home at night,” wrote Margaret Mead.
I would never attempt to romanticize loneliness, as it is, quite frankly, detrimental.
No.
What we’re talking about today is being alone without being lonely.
It’s when you choose to spend one-on-one time with this really cool person you know;
you.
I spent large amounts of time alone this past year.
Now, as someone who’s introverted, alone time and I go way back, but this was taking
it a step further than my normal amount of soloing.
My choice was based on a series of personal events in my life, the outcome of which led
me to feeling overwhelmed by quite literally everything.
The lights outside felt too bright.
The streets too noisy.
Everyone around me too annoying.
My mind too loud.
And so, I started by saying no more.
I took the quiet route.
I closed the curtains at night.
I let my loved ones know that I’d be slightly less available.
I desperately needed dedicated me-time.
I’m no longer in this phase of craving solitude and I’m back to my normal introvert-recharging
schedule, but I’ve been reflecting back on this past year, and here are some things
that I noticed started happening.
I. Valuing my own presence
We often have this idea that doing things for ourselves is silly.
Why make a fancy dinner and light candles if I’ll be the only one eating?
Why get dressed and put on perfume when I’ll be all alone working from home?
Why wear nice lingerie if no one will see it?
Why keep my home clean when no guests are coming over?
Why make latte art when I’m the only one who’ll be drinking it?
The notion that no one will see it, hear it, taste it or feel it, implies that we, I, myself,
am no one.
That’s now how I wanted to view myself.
And so, I started doing all the things that I’d be doing if someone else was around.
Not all the time of course, but going from none of the time to some of the time is a
big step.
I show up for myself.
I put in the effort to impress myself.
I create a pleasant environment for me.
While I can’t know for sure, I believe it’s boosted my self-esteem.
I think taking care of
yourself does that
to you.
II.
My flaws and strengths became apparent.
Like, too apparent
I’ve lived with roommates several times.
7 of them, at one point.
It’s not always easy knowing who’s not cleaning up after themselves or who leaves
the toilet seat open.
Could be anyone, could be me.
I’ve also been on trips with larger groups of people.
Same thing here.
If you can’t find your passport, it might be because you misplaced it, or because someone
else did.
Who knows?
When you do spend time alone, you know.
You know everything.
There’s nobody to blame, or to praise, but yourself.
If I’m out of toilet paper, it’s because I did improper planning.
If the kitchen’s a mess, it’s me.
If I lose my wallet at the café, well, can’t blame someone else for distracting me.
It’s quite eye opening seeing yourself wholly and fully.
I, for instance, am very clean, and also quite unorganized.
I get things done, yet I’m time optimistic.
I have good taste in things, and I also change my mind a lot.
Oh and I forget to water my plants sometimes.
While I’ve kind of known some of these things for a long time, they became clear as day
when it was just me.
III.
I’m trusting myself more
When you’re free of any outside opinions, input or pressure, you need to find something
else to rely on.
Yourself.
Your gut.
Your abilities.
Your knowledge.
There’s no one else there to decide where to eat, which route to take, whether or not
to bring an umbrella.
You make the decisions.
And doing that enough times, in my experience, builds trust and confidence in oneself.
This becomes most apparent when you travel solo, but also when you do anything solo,
really, that you’re not used to doing solo.
When you’re fully in charge, you get clarity on who you are, what you know, how you handle
situations.
You may discover that you're far braver than you thought you were, that you're capable
of more than you've given yourself credit for.
You may also discover insecurities or fears.
Whatever the discovery is–I believe such insight, while perhaps scary, can be extremely
valuable.
Doing stuff solo allows you to see yourself with no filter.
What you decide to do with what you’re seeing is up to you.