From 20th Century Fox comes a landmark of science fiction filmmaking that’s still
one of the most shocking movies ever ma--
Wait, we’re doing the Tim Burton version? Let’s just get this over with.
Planet of the Apes
Prepare for a reboot so disappointing, the franchise was immediately de-booted, then
rebooted again ten years later.
Watch as the once visionary Tim Burton gives a master-class in how not to reboot a franchise
as he attempts to set his film apart from the 1968 classic by
repurposing old dialogue,
"Take your stinking hands off me, you damn dirty human.”
repeating old dialogue,
“Damn them. Damn them all to hell.”
and trying to one up the original ending, even though his makes absolutely no sense.
Huh?
When an air force captain abandons his orbital monkey research station to follow his pet
chimp into an electrical storm...
Blah blah blah time travel...
Blah blah blah evil monkey society...
Blah blah blah uprising...
ancient monkey prophecy,
final battle,
and the creepiest kiss ever.
Trust me, you won’t remember the details either.
Witness the hundred million dollar version of Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals,
"Alright, just follow your sequence and come home. Understand?"
in his lowest point since his rap career
as he spends this entire terrible movie staring at things,
phoning it in,
"Where am I?"
"I was just here a few days ago."
and mouth-breathing.
But he’s not alone:
Marky Mark shares the screen with a whole funky bunch of other actors, like
a bunch of humans we’re supposed to care about, but don't,
Estella Warren’s dumb face,
a nd more Oscar nominees in monkey suits than the Academy Awards.
"And the Oscar goes to…"
NOBODY!
So before you catch the sequel to the way better reboot,
get ready to suffer through everything you didn’t want from a Planet of the Apes movie,
featuring
political debates,
"The human problem cannot be solved by simply throwing money at it."
"The government tried that once. And all we got was a welfare state that nearly bankrupted
us."
monkey foreplay,
and apes
going
apesh*t.
"What do you know about my father?!"
"How the hell did these monkeys get like this?"
Starring...
Say Hi To Your Mother For Me
Bellapetrix Lestrange
Duhhhhhhhhh
(Michael Clarke) Dunston Checks In
Reservoir Chimp
A Monkey in a Paul Giamatti Suit
and Aperaham Lincoln
Planet of the Apes...
the bad one.
“Damn you! God damn you all to hell!”
Our thoughts exactly!