Finally, a relaxing day to sit back and play video games! You’re feeling retro today,
and you’d love to sit back and take everyone’s favorite hedgehog for a spin.
It’s time to go faster-faster-f-f-f-f-faster!
But wait! The mail’s here! You’d better check it out before you press play.
Bills, bills...but then there’s something unique. It’s a package from someone named
“Tom”. You don’t know a Tom, but your curiosity gets the better of
you and you rip it open. It’s a CD for an old-school video game, labeled “Sonic.EXE”.
Well, that’s convenient! And you were just thinking you wanted to play Sonic!
Your mother warned you never to take candy from strangers - but she didn’t say anything about
video games! You put the CD into your gaming PC’s hard drive and it starts.
It looks a lot like the start of the first Sonic the Hedgehog game!
But then something goes wrong. Because that’s NOT Sonic.
The start-up screen turns dark. The river surrounding Sonic looks like it’s filled
with blood. The logo reads “Sega 666”. And Sonic stares back at you with a twisted grin,
his eyes pitch-black and leaking blood. You’ve encountered the twisted alternate
Sonic that all gamers have learned the hard way to fear. You survived
the powerful superhero Omni-Man and the Norse God of trickery Loki - but here we go again.
Can you survive an encounter with Sonic.EXE?
How did the world’s favorite hedgehog turn into a major threat? What’s he going to do - bounce
on your head and steal your rings? That would be a lot easier - even if he did have some creepy
teeth in that trailer. But Sonic.Exe isn’t what he appears to be - he’s actually a demon possessing
the video game character, and he transmits himself through haunted game discs. He was placed there by
a cult, and he torments the player in both video game form - and possibly, in the real world.
But can he be beaten - or is anyone who encounters the disc doomed to a horrible fate?
Well, there’s one easy way to survive an encounter with Sonic.EXE - put that CD back in the envelope
and return it to sender. Or better yet, grab a hammer and smash it to bits. In this form, the
demon is completely harmless and unable to affect you, which means it’s relying on the curiosity of
gamers to start the cycle. So your best chance to defeat Sonic.EXE is before you ever encounter him.
But if you were that prudent, this wouldn’t be much of a video.
The only detailed record of what an encounter with Sonic.EXE is like is from an apocalyptic
log from Tom, who played the entire cycle through - before apparently passing the CD on to you. And
you’re getting the feeling that plugging in that CD wasn’t the best move. That’s confirmed when
you try to hit the eject button - and nothing happens. Sonic.EXE has his hooks deep in you,
and the best bet may be to junk your entire setup and see if that makes him go away.
But you put a lot of money into that setup! Better to play along and see
if you can take this demon on in his own turf...right?
You’re a good gamer, and you’ve beaten Sonic the Hedgehog countless times.
But as soon as you get past the start screen, you notice something strange - Sonic isn’t playable!
What kind of Sonic game is it if you can’t play the blue man? But he’s...occupied, and the only
available characters are Tails, Knuckles, and...Robotnik? Why is the bad guy playable?
The game forces you to play Tails first, but the first level isn’t quite a game.
It’s more of a warning of what’s to come.
If you go ahead with playing the game, Tails won’t encounter any enemies or obstacles. He’ll
just walk through one of the game’s many levels, but this one will be littered with the bodies of
the cute little animals who normally populate the background. Something’s been there before you, and
this horrible little tour will continue until you encounter the boss of this zone - and he’s hungry.
Get ready for your first encounter with Sonic.EXE.
The demon Sonic isn’t going to give you much of a chance. Not that you had much to begin
with - you’re playing Tails, and the little guy isn’t really known for being a powerhouse. There’s
nothing to do but walk forward, getting unnerved at the horrible sights and out-of-place music,
until Sonic appears. The game takes control and makes Tails walk forward
until Sonic reaches out - and the screen goes black. But Sonic.EXE has a message for you.
“Hello. Do you want to play with me?”
Now’s your chance! You’re guiding Tails through a forest, and you’ve got to outrun Sonic.EXE.
This is actually pretty exciting, and now you’re in your element. But
wait...what’s that horrible laugh? Why did Tails just trip? Now he’s just lying on the forest floor
crying! And suddenly, there he is. Sonic.EXE looms over Tails - and the screen goes black.
You hear a taunt of “You’re too slow, want to try again?”
Not really, no...but something tells you you should keep playing.
Tails is gone, his player screen no longer selectable and his image distorted much like
the demon Sonic. But now you have a new option - Knuckles. The bruiser echidna is the perfect
choice to take the fight back to Sonic, and you’ve played him a few times in games
like Sonic & Knuckles. You have a feeling you should probably stop playing this game - but
you want your revenge. You click the red tough guy, and you’re back in the game.
But not before you hear another warning - “You Can’t Run”.
It’s a dark level, and you could swear Knuckles looks nervous as you force him forward. But this
time, Sonic appears quickly - and you can actually fight back! Knuckles’ punches are working,
and you’re in a boss fight. But Sonic seems to be appearing and disappearing faster than you can
punch him, and that music isn’t helping - it’s definitely not from Sonic. You could swear it’s
from the Silent Hill franchise. You keep punching, hoping to land a hit - but it’s not happening,
and eventually you move to another cut scene as Knuckles collapses,
Sonic lunges at him, and you hear a horrible screeching noise.
You hear another horrible taunt - “So many souls to play with, so little time - would you agree?”
No! You wouldn’t! You might be tempted to stop playing right now and take a nap to
clear your head, but Tom found out the hard way that wasn’t so easy. And as you try to
sleep and put the horrible Sonic.EXE out of your mind, you keep dreaming of the creature.
You dream of Tails and Knuckles warning you to run. Well, that didn’t resolve anything,
and you remember that there was a surprise third playable character in the game.
Could the key to beating a good guy gone bad be a bad guy gone good?
You choose Doctor Robotnik to complete the set, and you’re excited. After all, Robotnik has been
tormenting Sonic for decades! You’ll probably show up in a fireball-shooting hovercraft or a
car with a giant drill in front, and you can chase Sonic.EXE down for a change! Or not.
When you log in, you’re just Robotnik - a large man who doesn’t really have any special abilities.
He’s definitely the slowest of the player characters,
and his level doesn’t seem to be familiar. You’re just walking down a darkened hallway,
almost like something out the old Castlevania games. You guide Robotnik forward - until Sonic
shows up and the screen goes black. You didn’t even get a chance to fight back!
But Sonic.EXE isn’t done with his targets.
He appears on the screen, much more realistic and disturbing than before, and just seems to stare
you down until one last message appears - “I AM GOD”. And then, he lunges at you with a horrible
screech, ending the game and seemingly bricking your computer and trapping the CD in your drive.
You probably should have just trashed the whole setup when this started - you wound
up in the same place anyway. You’d love to wring that Sonic.EXE’s neck.
And you just might get that chance - because he’s paying you a visit.
Those who complete the game get a little present from Sonic.EXE - a plushie of him,
sitting on your bed. But it’s not like the Sonic plushie you snuggled as a child - we
hope. This is a realistic recreation of the demonic, bloodied Sonic from the cursed game.
But it’s just a stuffed toy - right? It can’t actually do anything!
Are you sure you want to take that bet? How do you actually banish Sonic.EXE from your life?
Unfortunately, reports from those who encountered him are spotty - and that can’t be good.
Tom’s fate is unknown, but another story of the creature revealed some shocking truths of its
origin. A detective named Derek Green was tracking a series of murders by an unknown being, and his
sister was soon kidnapped by the evil entity. Derek became more paranoid, and he eventually
tracked down a cult led by a woman named Shannon who worshipped a demo named EXE. Shannon planned
to spread the demon through CDs, tricking players into releasing him. Derek successfully destroyed
the disk - only for Shannon to reveal she had made countless copies. EXE was summoned, and
Derek was never seen again, but his boss was able to get the word out - do not play the cursed CDs.
Gee, that would have been nice to know a few hours ago!
So is there any hope, or has the demon already won? Are you destined to be haunted until your
dying day? While Sonic.EXE isn’t a physical being and can’t be fought the traditional
way - that’s probably a good thing. If he’s anything like his video game form,
he’s incredibly fast and strong, able to tear through his enemies in seconds.
And you’re...a guy, regardless of how many Gods and serial killers you’ve
fought. You can’t run faster than a speeding hedgehog, so you’ll have to outthink him.
And it all starts with getting him far away from you.
First things first - get rid of that broken game system with the CD in it. That horrible plushie
too. Getting rid of them might not get rid of the demon - but they’re certainly not helping.
But make sure you have another way to access the internet,
because the late Derek Green did give you one hint on how to stop him.
You just had one copy of Sonic.EXE in your computer, but there are a lot more out there.
And the fewer are activated, the better.
Get that word out - if you get a mysterious copy of Sonic in the mail, don’t play it!
Most victims like Tom seem to send the game out to someone else in the hope of passing the curse on,
but it doesn’t seem to work - at least it doesn’t seem to have worked for Tom.
The best chance to fight Sonic.EXE is to get all the remaining copies of the game accounted for
and destroy them. Either that’ll destroy the demon, or it’ll force him out into the open.
And once he’s out in the open, the more backup you have, the better.
You’re just people and he’s a demon - what chance do you have? Wrong. Because you’re
not just a person, you’re a gamer, and so are all the other people you’ll gather to destroy
the copies. If the destruction of the games draws Sonic.EXE out of hiding to stop you, you’ll have
an army of people with well-trained reflexes ready to fight. Sonic.EXE might be able to
easily overwhelm one person with gamer reflexes, but can he take on twenty? A hundred? Just watch
out for those prickles on his back when you’re tackling him. While there’s no true confirmation
of what Sonic.EXE’s nature is, you should probably have all the usual demon-fighting gear on hand,
including holy water and religious artifacts. And maybe a priest or two.
If all goes well, Sonic.EXE will be beaten, banished,
and have no way to get back into the real world with all the copies destroyed. Now
it’s just a matter of taking care of the cult so they can never summon him again,
and without EXE as backup, the cops can handle that. You’ve vanquished the demon
and can get back to gaming. But not Sonic for a while. Maybe some good old Mario Brothers.
Wait, is that Chris Pratt’s voice? Oh no.
Not done beating up Sonic? Take a look at “You vs. Human Teeth Sonic From the Horrifying First
Movie Trailer - Who Would Win? (Sonic Meme)” or try this video on for size.