Alright horror fans - strap in - because there are some … video presentations, I don’t
want to call them horror movies - that just can’t hide away from the all-seeing-eye
of creativity and the passionate originality that is so synonymous with horror cinema.
Now, don’t get me wrong - because I don’t want to bash anyone that has the drive to
film, produce and pull the strings necessary to get a movie made - never mind a horror
movie - but that’s never an excuse to take a cinematic masterpiece, pull off its arms
- rearrange it’s teeth, slap it in a shiny new pair of dungarees and try and call it
by the same name.
No.
That’s just a step too far.
What’s going on horror fans - and welcome back to the scariest channel on YouTube, Top
5 Scary Videos.
As always, I’ll be your horror host Jack Finch - and I’m sure you’ve already seen
Lucy’s Part 1 of this list - so join me, as we take a look at the Top 5 Worst Horror
Movie Remakes - Part 2.
Roll the clip.
The bad horror remakes!
That’s who’s here!
How can you even forgive that?
You compare that clip - to this -
You can see what I mean, right?
Well, believe me when I say this folks, it can - and it will - get worse.
Hold on to your hats.
Before we dive into this list though folks, you know the drill by now - if you’re a
fan of this video, horror cinema, or just Top 5 Scary Videos in general - be a dear
and hit that thumbs up button, as well as that subscribe bell - so you can stay up to
date with our latest and greatest uploads.
Kicking off at Number 5 - The Hitcher, 2007.
Michael Bay, am I right?
Now, I’m not going to lie - I’m a massive fan of Sean Bean, no one can pull off a death
scene better than the main man himself - but when you compare his John Ryder to that of
Rutger Hauer’s - ah, it’s not even the same sport.
The 2007 remake, directed by Dave Meyers and produced by Michael Bay - is so far away from
the 1986 original that it’s not even funny.
Now - I’m all for taking different spins on horror classics, but when you completely
rewrite its DNA - you fail to get the point of pastiche.
And what does Michael Bay do?
He sticks a bazillion helicopters and automatic rifles into a high speed chase scene and makes
the whole thing go boom.
The saddest thing about 2007’s The Hitcher is that it’s just straight up boring.
For a film with such a simple pretext - creepy man stalks guy on lonely highway - David Meyers
really makes a point of falling asleep at the wheel.
And what do we get as a result of that in a futile attempt to try and wake us up?
Just straight up pointless gore - cheap tricks - shock tactics - and a failure to even understand
the subtle charm of the 1986 original.
Two thumbs down.
Coming in at Number 4 - The Omen, 2006
And I still find it hilarious that literally the only reason that this film came into existence
was because someone realised they could make a shed tonne of money if they released an
Omen film on the 6th of June 2006.
And I actually paid money to see this film.
And there was a Catholic priest at the screening.
The whole thing was just a massive cash grab for what was essentially an elaborate marketing
campaign.
I mean - you can’t blame them.
I can’t complain - I paid money.
But jzeesh - what a terrible movie.
And really - the question we should be asking is, how do you take a movie about the literal
spawn of Satan and somehow make it boring?
Richard Donner’s 1976 slow-burning thriller is perhaps one of the greatest horror movies
of all time - building itself up with an eerie sense of dread, crawling through the dilemma
of whether or not to kill an evil child.
The original is brilliant, because we’re always questioning - maybe, just maybe - this
Damien kid isn’t the son of Lucifer after all - and Gregory Peck’s character is potentially
going crazy.
Yeah - none of that in the 2006 film.
Just a creepy looking kid on a scooter.
Nothing to see here.
Next up at Number 3 - The Thing, 2011.
Alright - I’ll admit it guys, this one is a personal bias.
It’s a grudge match.
And if I’m being truly fair - this film never fully pledged itself as a remake, but
intended to be a prequel.
Well - in that case - call it something else.
In all fairness, John Carpenter’s 1982 masterpiece is a remake in itself, of 1951’s The Thing
from Another World - but, you know, let’s be honest.
There’s only one movie called The Thing.
And sadly - it’s not this one.
By far though, this is the best film on this list - and it’s got some real talent attached
to it.
Sadly - it doesn’t live up in any shape or form to its namesake, and as my man Omar
Little said in The Wire - you come at the King, you best not miss.
For a film that is intended to be the pastiche of a slow burning, claustrophobic whodunnit
- this entire movie is shot in wide.
Also, for a story that features a bunch of colleagues who’ve been trapped in an arctic
waystation for supposedly months on end - these guys act like they’ve just met each other.
Also the CGI just straight up sucks.
I’ll admit it - I’m being a bit of a snob in this one, but I’m mad as hell and I’m
not going to take it anymore.
Swinging in at Number 2 - Poltergeist, 2015.
And uhhhh - it’s just getting worse guys.
This film was so sad.
It was unnecessary.
Nobody wanted it, nobody asked for it.
Just because Paranormal Activity was a success doesn’t mean you have to butcher a classic.
And again, which you may begin to pick up a theme in this list - it was just straight
up boring.
Play that clip back again.
Listen to how empty it is.
Just pure nothingness - and not in a good way.
That’s the whole film, I’m not even kidding.
Oh - and of course, they just had to release it in 3D too - because apparently everyone
wanted that.
Alright - please, please, don’t get me wrong.
I love Sam Rockwell - and his performance in this film was stellar.
You could tell that he was trying to add some form of life to it with every fibre of his
being - but it just fell on deaf ears.
I’m pretty sure that no one wanted to remake this movie, but it happened anyway - and what
we’re left with is a forgettable, cheap, throwaway version of an absolute horror classic.
And finally - at our Number 1 spot - Day of the Dead, 2008.
I
wish I had some bleach to pour into my eyes after watching this film.
That’s exactly how it felt, those annoyed, panicked screams.
Straight up guys - 2008’s Day of the Dead is a terrible movie.
You want to know how little anyone cared about making this movie?
Mena Suvari’s character, that she’s referred to the whole time throughout the film - is
listed as a completely different name in the closing credits.
The main character - yeah, no one cared to change it.
If that’s not revealing - I don’t know what is.
George Romero is to zombie-horror as Odin is to beards and ale.
It is a sad state of affairs that an entire studio took his 1985 zombie tour-de-force
and thought it’d be a great idea to ride off his name and create a steaming pile of
poorly CGI’d organs.
It doesn’t even fall in the realm of so bad it's good.
It’s just freakin’ terrible.
Nobody, at no point - sat down and read this script and said out loud, you know what - this
is going to be a great zombie movie that gives a nice subtle nod to George Romero’s passion
for horror, and we’re going to do the best of our ability to create that.
Nah - they just said - brains, zombies, money.
And - well, it didn’t even make any money.
Don’t watch it, save yourself 86 minutes of your life.
Well - there we have it horror fans - cheers for sticking around for my rant.
What do you think is the worst horror movie remake of all time?
Let us know your thoughts in the comment box down below.
Before you depart though - let’s take a look at some of your most entertaining comments
from the past few days.
Chad Worley says - The thing is…
Hollywood needs to stop trying to milk these classics for as much money as possible.
They need to be creative again, not repetitive.
And I 100% agree Chad Worley - that’s the perfect analysis.
Sadly though, money makes the world go round - and the pitch of an authentic original sometimes
is too great a risk for a studio to take.
But - there is hope - just take a look at some of the awesome horror flicks from the
past few years, Get Out - Hereditary - The Haunting of Hill House.
There’s still hope yet.
Marcus says - As a rule, I don’t watch remakes.
Well Marcus buddy, you’re a smart guy.
Ignorance is bliss, right?
Well - unfortunately folks that’s all we’ve got time for in today’s video - cheers for
sticking around all the way to the end.
Make sure to hit that thumbs up button, and show some love in the comment box down below.
As always, I’ve been your host Jack Finch - you’ve been watching Top 5 Scary Videos
- and until next time, you take it easy.