- I went to the Subway.
Why is this a problem?
Getting a sandwich?
It's a sandwich.
I got behind a lady,
it looked like it was her first time out ever.
Just a look of confusion, bewilderment.
Came up to the counter.
"How does this work here?
What do you do?"
"It says Step one: pick bread.
You don't see that?
How do you make a sandwich at home?
What, do you start throwing ham all over the table?
Pick the bread!"
Then she saw the condiments,
her head almost popped off her body.
She was sitting there, looking at the condiments,
telling the guy,
"Not that tomato,
no, the third one underneath,
that one on the side.
I want that tomato."
It's not a puppy.
Making up the...
There's rules at Subway you got to follow.
This woman's like,
"I don't want any of those cucumbers or olives,
so double up on the turkey."
It don't work that way.
The sandwich is five dollars.
There's a net profit of four cents on that.
And you want double meat for no veg?
You ever stay with people?
It's weird, they put you in some weird room,
nobody uses.
Single bed, Star Wars sheets,
Darth Vader, C3-P0.
Can't even get comfortable.
You ever get into somebody's bed.
It's weird.
You get in.
You can't...
Look to the left, there's a booger wall.
Somebody started a booger wall?
Try and get comfortable, you can't!
The owners always come in and knock on the door
and they tell you what's wrong with the house.
You always get that little knock.
"Are you, are you sleeping yet?"
No, I'm gonna stand, why, what's going on?
You got a booger wall here to your left.
You haven't, you haven't seen that yet?
Nothin'?
They tell you just before you go to bed.
Just so you know,
"The toilet in the hallway, do not flush that.
If you do, we're gonna have to evacuate the home.
When you shower cold is hot, hot is cold.
We've been trying to fix that for years.
When you're done showering
we ask if you could please squeegee."
Squeegee?
Why, I mean, I gotta get clean, now naked.
I gotta search for some weird wand
that lives in your shower for 23 years?
Take the wand and start wiping off shower pellets
as my balls touch the tile?
What? Do I work here?
I'm not cleanin' the shower!
This whole town's going nuts with yogurt.
What's going on with yogurt?
Everybody's dying for yogurt.
They see like a...
A Pinkberry, they're like,
"I wanna go get some Pinkberry."
I'm not a yogurt guy,
but I had to go look to see what the problem was.
I'm sitting in line.
I'm watching people eat the yogurt.
First of all,
everybody had a sample before they got...
What is with the sampling?
I don't...
I don't do samples.
These two women came up, so proud of themselves.
They're like,
"Excuse me, do you have some pomegran...
Do you have the pomegranate?
Could we try the pomegranate?"
They were so happy they were gonna get a free lick.
Now the guy's gotta turn around,
he's gotta fill up a little Dixie lick cup.
And he hands it out,
grown women, but they're like kids when they get it,
they're like,
"This is good.
I like this one."
I don't do any of this.
I just got the green tea.
If I don't like it?
Yeah, I fucked up.
Right?
You think I'm gonna hold up 12 people's day?
Licking.
Yeah, you think, yeah?
My wife thinks I'm nuts.
My wife didn't grow up with this mentality.
I get this all from my dad.
Right?
My wife didn't grow up like me.
My wife's family,
entirely different than my family.
My family, we talk a lot.
Everything's out in the open,
on my side of the family.
In my family, if you got a problem
somebody gonna tell you-
You got a problem.
If you stink, somebody's gonna,
"What the fuck? You stink!"
"Ah, he stinks! I dunno?"
We are so honest.
Nobody gets their feelings hurt in my family.
Nobody's got feelings.
My wife is always happy.
Even when bad things go wrong,
she's always with a smile, this woman.
She came home,
came home last month.
She's like, "Babe, I don't know what happened, but
I was backing out the parking lot at the mall.
And I just side swiped a cement pylon.
It's just a graze.
It's a small graze.
You could probably buff it out
or use some carnauba wax to just, you know?"
Now my immediate reaction is to yell.
That's...
That's how I grew up,
high volume.
I come home with a flat tire on my bicycle.
My father would be like, "What the fuck is this?"
"I don't know!
I didn't see the nail!"
My wife's side's like, really happy
and they encourage things.
Right? They like do retreats as a family.
They work on their inner self.
"We work on our inner self."
They do therapy.
My family don't do any of this.
No therapy, no bettering.
It's like, "This is it.
What are you gonna do?
Change?
This is you."
No, one's popping pills on my side.
Nobody's on anti-antidepressants.
My father's like, "I've been depressed for 30 years."
We talk about each other in our family.
I call my mother.
We talk about the entire family.
We talk about my sister.
"Hey, you talk to Jessica?"
"Yeah. Don't call her, it's all...
They're having a tough go of it."
Not my wife's family.
They don't say nothing on that side.
Nobody knows.
I listen.
My wife Skypes with her mother.
You know, I can hear them talking.
"What's going on over there?"
"Oh, nothin' everything's good here.
What's going on over there?"
And I pass by.
After she get off.
I tell her, I ask my wife,
"What'd your mom say?"
"Oh, everything's good."
It ain't good.
Dig, dig for the story.
Get down deep, figure it out.
There's shit happening.
I talk to my mother.
I get it all from her.
Soon as I hang up,
I can't wait to tell my wife what I found out.
Soon as I hang up the phone, I go,
"Babe, pour yourself a glass of wine.
Meet me outside.
You're not gonna believe what's going on with my cousins.
I got juice, I got juice!"
Now, my wife's father passed away 15 years ago.
I never got a chance to meet the man.
So we go to the cemetery.
Now, prior to his death, he bought a plot for himself.
A plot for his wife.
Well, the wife has since remarried.
Okay.
So we go to the cemetery and I'm holding my wife's hand.
It's a very emotional day for us.
Well, for me.
Listen, I gotta be honest with you.
I'm the emotional one in the relationship.
I cry no problem.
Undercover Boss.
Forget it.
I'm bawlin' at the end of that show.
Oh my God.
So we go to the cemetery.
I'm holding my wife's hand.
We approach the two graves.
Now I'm sitting there.
My heart is bleeding for my wife, she got no father,
but the other side of my brain kicks in.
I said, "Uh, is your mother still gonna get
buried here with the original or...
Or is she gonna get buried with the new husband?
What's going on, 'cause...
This is paid for.
It's paid for and uh,
Who's going in the hole?
We gotta figure this out.
I'll hop in here.
In the meantime, we gotta use this.
Maybe for storage,
we'll put the Christmas tree here.
A rake, skis, we gotta use this.
My wife's brain don't work this way.
She's like, "Why would you even think of that?"
I go, "That's why you got me.
I think of it.
We're calling your mother tonight.
We're figuring out who goes where in this park."
So now I can't yell, I can't yell at my wife.
She does not respond to yelling.
Last time I raised my voice,
she gave it right back to me.
She's like, "I don't know what this is
but you better bring this down
and let's talk like adults and resolve it.
Okay, let's just resolve it.
I think you need some therapy.
You and your father
should get in some type of group retreat
for your condition.
I don't know."
So I can't yell.
I gotta push it.
I gotta push this shit deep, I...
I don't even know who I am anymore.
I, I can't, I don't even sound like me.
I'm sitting in the kitchen, like,
"Yeah, okay, It's just a graze then.
I think I could probably buff it out,
if you said it's a graze, I, it's a graze.
Can we go to the driveway
to look at what you call a grazes, 'cause I'd love to
know in your head what you think that is?
She's like, "Yeah, no I'll show you."
So both of us go out to the driveway.
I'm like, "We need a new door!"
Wow.
I gotta go to a body shop, you ever go there?
Man, they're waiting for you to pull in.
What are you gonna do, fix it?
In your garage?
You do body work?
I know nobody that does this.
I gotta go in.
You go to a body shop.
Everybody comes out, the whole,
the whole garage.
When you pull in,
they got that guy, "Hey, we got one.
Let's take a look at it."
And they swarm the car.
They just...
I thought I was at a Cirque de Soleil show, they were...
Then they call out the head guy.
It's the best actor they got.
"Frankie. You wanna take a look at this?"
Soon as he sees the car, he's like, "Whoa
What'd you get side swiped by a semi?"
I said, "No, my wife calls this a graze.
She says you could get it out with some carnauba wax.
I can't open the door,
but she says,
this is a $9 job with some carnauba wax.
I can't yell or scream at the house.
I have to suppress all my emotion and feeling into my feet.
And I don't know who I am anymore
but she just says it's a graze.
I don't understand why she didn't see anything.
We have sensors and a camera in the vehicle.
But of course I couldn't mention that
in the heat of the moment
or I'd be sleeping outside on the lawn.
So if you could just get out your wax
and buff that out, that would be fantastic.