My mother called the police.
She was like, "My son found a tooth.
Like if you guys are looking for anybody,
there's a human tooth at Farmer's
[inaudible 00:00:06] in Ridgeway, New York."
Everything that you tell me is harrowing.
My dad started hitting on my mom
when she was walking the walk down,
because my dad was picking up trash with the claw thing
because he had community service.
From prison.
Yeah, and he was flirting with her,
clipping her with the trash thing.
She was like, "Get away from me."
Then, he just continuously followed her and called.
And then finally she just had sex, and they had me.
How long were they married for?
Like not long at all.
Yeah, it was your fault.
Probably. I was a fucking ugly little shitcase.
Were you? Yep.
You're so good looking.
Really, you think that?
Yeah. Thank you.
I was about eight, so roughly your age when you found out.
Everybody else is getting Christmas presents
and having a good time
with their families playing in the snow,
and I'm on a cruise with my mother
who's just recently been dumped.
And she's having a glass of white zinfandel or seven
and she was like, "You know, honey,
I think it's about time you know the truth."
I thought she was going to tell me
my dad not being my dad or I'm adopted.
She was like, "Santa, not real."
Yeah, and she was like, "It's just the truth,
'cause life is going to hurt you."
Wow.
I remember she said, "Life is going to hurt you,
so if it's going to be anyone, it should be your mother.
Santa's not real."
Wow. I was like, "Thank you."
Christopher.
And she was like, "We're having a good time on this cruise."
And I was like no.
I found out the tooth fairy wasn't real.
I was out in the park and my neighbor ...
I was eight or nine years old.
There was a human tooth that I found
and I put it under my pillow that night
and the tooth fairy never came.
I was like, "There's a tooth here, Mom.
Where's the tooth fairy?" And she was like, "What?
Why are you finding human teeth in the park."
My mother called the police.
She was like, "My son found a tooth."
And the police were like, "Yeah, somebody
probably just got their teeth knocked out."
I actually got electrocuted on prom night.
That's a real thing that happened.
Is that what you're into?
Nah. No, I just got electrocuted.
We're at the prom, and it was raining out that night
and there was a big puddle by my table
that was coming underneath.
And like an idiot, I brought my phone charger
because I have to have my Nokia phone,
and I went to go plug it in and I got a jolt of electricity
and was knocked unconscious at my prom.
My girlfriend at the time,
she dumped me like two, three days later.
For being electrocuted?
No, I think just for being like a little bitch.
You couldn't take electricity like a man.
Yeah, it's like what? Come on. Come on, Boo.
'Cause you passed ut from a couple volts.
Yeah, a couple volts.
I actually was on a date once.
I was like 23 years old, and we were in a cab.
I thought it was going great. We were stopped at a red light
and then the cab starts to accelerate
when the light turned green,
so it was going like maybe five miles an hour.
And she opened the door and rolled out of the car.
The cab driver was like, "Oh my God."
I was like, "Oh my God."
And then I stopped and wanted to get out
and she started sprinting away from me.
Like sprinting- Wow.
... away. And nothing happened. And the cab was like,
"What the ... What did you do to her?"
I'm like, "You were sitting here.
I didn't do anything."
I met one of your sisters once. Yeah.
She was really hot.
You fucked to her, didn't you?
Um. Yeah.
What're you going to do? You know.
You met two of my sisters.
I fucked both of them.
Dude, my daughter, every single time
I'm driving, she throws a quarter at me
from the back seat.
So I'll be driving and all of a sudden out of no where,
ten minutes into driving, boom,
quarter hits the windshield, and I'll turn around like,
"Delilah, where'd you get that quarter?"
And then she just acts like she doesn't know what it is.
My daughter, she's like three years old,
but she's got like that little feisty attitude.
The other day she was telling me she was hot,
so I rolled down the windows. And then she was like,
"I'm cold." So I rolled up the windows.
I'm like, "We're not going to do this all day, Delilah.
What is it?" She's like, "I'm hot and cold."
I was like, "What do you want me to do?"
And she said, "Figure it out."
A three-year-old girl told me to figure it out and guess what?
I couldn't figure it out.
It's kind of hard to be white. Right?
I mean I deal with it, but I have white issues.
Eczema, you know?
I mean scoliosis, gluten allergies, all that.
Moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
White ailments. You know, you've got ailments
and then you've got the ointments.