OF COURSE, ON MY NEW HOLIDAY, THE PRESIDENT WILL PROBABLY BE
DOWN AT MAR-A-LAGO, SURROUNDED BY HIS CLOSEST FAMILY AND PAID
MEMBERS.
( LAUGHTER )
ALWAYS GETTING SCHMOOZED BY HIS GOLF PALS.
THIS WEEK, IT CAME OUT THAT ONE OF TRUMP'S MAR-A-LAGO BUDDIES
WROTE HIM A POLICY PITCH FOR THE DEPARTMENT OF VETERANS AFFAIRS,
TO WHICH TRUMP RESPONDED, "AFFAIRS?
I'M IN.
IN FACT, I'M A VETERAN."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT THE PROPOSAL-- THE PROPOSAL CAME FROM A MAN
NAMED ALBERT HAZZOURI, WHO IS A COSMETIC DENTIST IN SCRANTON,
PENNSYLVANIA.
COME ON, SCRANTON, WHY DO YOU NEED COSMETIC DENTISTRY?
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL THE WAY YOU ARE.
WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS...
HARRISBURG?
THE PLAN WAS TO OVERHAUL HOW THE V.A. DOES DENTAL CARE.
AND THE SCRAWLED LITTLE IDEA SAID IN PART:
"LET'S SET UP A MEETING WITH THE AMERICAN DENTAL ASSOCIATION AND
CREATE AN OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE.
I CAN SAVE YOUR ADMINISTRATION $250 MILLION A YEAR."
THE DENTIST ALSO SAID THAT, IF TRUMP COOPERATES, AFTERWARDS HE
GETS TO TAKE SOMETHING FROM THE PRIZE CHEST.
( LAUGHTER )
NOTE STARTED WITH, "DEAR KING."
DON'T GIVE HIM ANY IDEAS!
( LAUGHTER )
ALSO A VERY GOOD POLICY PROPOSAL."
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, THE PRESIDENT ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE V.A.
POLICY BASED ON SOME SCRAWLED NOTE FROM A YAHOO DENTIST HE MET
IN THE MARA-LAGO STEAM ROOM.
AND TRUMP WROTE, "SEND TO DAVID SHULKIN AT THE V.A."
OKAY, OKAY, BUT THAT'S PROBABLY JUST TRUMP HUMORING A MAR-A-LAGO
BUDDY.
I DOUBT HE EVEN SAW THE NOTE.
AND IT'S STAMPED, "THE PRESIDENT HAS SEEN."
( LAUGHTER )
DOCUMENTS AND TO VERIFY HE SPENT QUALITY TIME WITH ERIC AND
DON JR.
( APPLAUSE )
COME HERE.
UNH!
NOW, IN CASE YOU THOUGHT THE NEWS NEEDED MORE RICH WHITE-
COLLAR CRIMINALS, WE'VE GOT AN UPDATE ABOUT DISGRACED PHARMA
C.E.O. AND BOOK YOU CAN JUDGE BY ITS COVER--
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) MARTIN SHKRELI.
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER SHKRELI FOR RAISING THE PRICE OF LIFE-SAVING
DRUGS 5,000%.
RIGHT NOW, HE'S SERVING A SEVEN-YEAR SENTENCE FOR
SECURITIES FRAUD.
AND IT TURNS OUT HE'S EVEN BREAKING THE RULES IN JAIL,
BEAUSE SHKRELI IS STEERING HIS OLD COMPANY FROM PRISON WITH A
CONTRABAND CELLPHONE.
HE SMUGGLED IN A CELLPHONE?
BUT WITH THAT FACE, HOW COULD HE TELL WHICH END TO SHOVE IT INTO?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WHOA!
WHOA!
>> Stephen: THERE'S A NEW CAMPUS CONTROVERSY GOING ON
RIGHT NOW.
RIDER UNIVERSITY IN NEW JERSEY RECENTLY SURVEYED STUDENTS ABOUT
WHAT RESTAURANT THEY'D LIKE TO SEE ON CAMPUS.
THE FRIED CHICKEN FRANCHISE CHICK-FIL-A WON HANDILY.
HOWEVER, THE SCHOOL DECIDED AGAINST THE CHAIN BECAUSE OF ITS
OPPOSITION TO THE L.G.B.T.
COMMUNITY.
( APPLAUSE )
OPPOSE-- THEY OPPOSE GAY MARRIAGE AND GAY RIGHTS, UNLIKE
THE FAR MORE TOLERANT FRIED CHICKEN CHAIN:
"CHET AND JERRY'S SAME-SEX CLUCK BUCKET."
DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS.
FINGER-LICKIN' GOOD.
WELL, THAT DID NOT SIT WELL WITH ONE OF THE DEANS, WHO IS A BIG
FAN OF CHICK-FIL-A.
SHE SAYS THAT WHEN SHE HEARD THE NEWS, SHE FELT "PUNCHED IN THE
STOMACH."
ALTHOUGH, AS A FAN OF CHICK-FIL-A, SHE SHOULD BE USED
TO FEELING PUNCHED IN THE STOMACH.
IT'S DELICIOUS, JUST NOT AN EVERYDAY FOOD.
THE DEAN WAS SO UPSET THAT SHE DECIDED TO RESIGN EXPLAINING:
"I AM A COMMITTED FOLLOWER OF JESUS CHRIST.
AS SUCH, I ENDEAVOR EVERY DAY TO DO EXACTLY WHAT CHICK-FIL-A PUTS
FORWARD."
IT MAY SOUND ODD, BUT I GIT IT.
BEING A COMMITTED CHRISTIAN IS A BIG PART OF MY SNACK CHOICES.
IT'S WHY I'M RELIGIOUSLY OPPOSED TO FRUIT-FLAVORED CANDY.
IT'S ADAM AND EVE, NOT MIKE AND IKE!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE DEAN UNDERSTANDS-- THANK YOU, THANK YOU, FELLOW RELIGIOUS
SNACKERS.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
SENATOR CORY BOOKER IS HERE!
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE"!