I'm just not good at dating, I tried it on for a little while
and for everyone's better life I've taken myself out of the game
and then loads of people in my life want me to get back into the game
Why? Why do I have to be like you? If I were this bad
at anything else... if I was a surgeon
who managed to kill every patient and burn down the Palliative Care Unit
I'm pretty sure my friends and family wouldn't be like
"Katherine, when are you gonna get back in the emergency room, girl?
I was the only child in the world who believed their mother when she said
"they're just jealous, Katherine" I was like "girl, I know"
They could have victimised any girl in the school, but they chose me
and one other girl with a cleft palate and one leg
but we were the Kim and Kanye of the fourth grade
Meghan Markle... I'm supposed to like her, even though
she took the only viable ginger cock of the market
and that cut me very deep
They're absolutely amazing, they have beautiful children
and all their children somehow look like them, even though
they themselves don't look like them
When I was heartbroken during my breakup
Khloé was also going through a breakup with her then husband
NBA star Lamar Odom
but she didn't cry in her room like I cried in my room
Khloé got in the gym and she started working out, lifting weights
and I thought "woah, here we go, revenge body
she's gonna bulk up, be drafted by the NBA, beat him at his own game"
I remember one evening I was in bed and I overheard my father calling my mother a whore
and I had a great sense of justice, so I appeared at the top of the stairs
in my jammies and I said "daddy" and he said "yes" and I said
"Grandma's a whore"
"How do you like it when someone calls your mother a whore?"
He did not, he did not
I have a beautiful daughter, who's British!
and I really recommend having an English child
it's like having a tiny, ineffective butler at home
She's got me feeling like the Fresh Prince all day
just like, "oh I'm ever so sorry mummy, I appear to have mashed Nutella into the carpet again"
I'm like "yeah you did, you're the shittiest butler in the world
but I love you, and hey where's mummy's drink though?"
"Oh, I do apologise mummy, would you like a day wine or a night wine?"
Isn't that so cute? She thinks white wine is for the day and red wine is for the night
She's not wrong, is she?
They'll be YouTube videos going viral, have you seen these?
40 million views!
"Incredible Dad learns to braid his own child's hair"
and women all over the globe would lose their shit
they'd be like "Oh my god, Michelle, Don, get over here
have you heard about this incredible single dad? Where is he?
Is anyone sucking him off right now? Can I go next?
There are two people who are known to have left Sarnia
there's me and then heroic Canadin astronaut, Chris Hadfield
Everyone loves Chris Hadfield, he has millions of Twitter followers
they named an asteroid, two schools and an airport after him
There are far more interesting people from my hometown
How about my friend Elizabeth? She overdosed on Fentanyl sixteen times
Still alive, still doing Fentanyl
What a hero!
Or my other friend, Mandy Kay, she jerked off three hockey players in the space of an hour
and they went on to win the game
Where's her airport?
Has anyone taken one of these tests where you spit in a tube?
I took the test, and they asked me to take it again
I was like "Uh-oh", I took it again and they said
"We're sorry, you are 96% Irish"
which is entirely too high
and I know that right now minorities feel really displaced and disrespected
but I face a very different threat, if this gets out
I could be farmed into a sexual breeding programme by the alt-right
"Oh great news, we found a really, really, really white one"
Hurry, hurry, she's running out of time to have another baby