my guest tonight is an Emmy and Grammy
nominated comedian and actor
she plays Jack Reno love that name on
the CBS all access shows Star Trek
discovery please welcome our really good
friend TIG Notaro TIG how are you I'm
doing well how are you Conan I'm doing
very well I'm disturbed by the lack of
any kind of furniture or decoration
behind you there's nothing there's
nothing here oh you went all out yeah
that's my chimney my bedroom chimney
that we had to explain to our kids that
Santa because they were worried about
what chimney
sano is gonna come down and and we
explained that Santa won't be coming
down that chimney hopefully you know
right that's good that's good
and your drone are 38 and 40 is that
right correct
today birthday they're still excited
about Santa
now you're how old three years old right
three and a half we and a half three and
a half and I just turned 39 Conan that's
right you just celebrated a birthday
happy birthday right here in captivity
well we don't call it captivity we call
it soft quarantine II
sure you know what I love our awkward
pauses are even more delicious in its
format do you feel like you are mentally
prepared mentally in good shape for this
quarantine that we're all in right now I
think some people are better prepared
than others tell me take how are you in
this situation you know I obviously have
not been through this ever before as we
know it but I have I don't know if
you're aware but I've had some medical
issues over the years I am weary yes yes
I've actually been I think hospitalized
six or seven times in the past seven
years and when I'm feeling better I work
a lot I travel around and many times
during my healing processes and work I
thought I would love to be home with my
family I would give anything to be home
with my family and I was looking at this
as being quarantined and then about a
week ago it dawned on me that maybe I
could shift things in my brain and just
act like I chose this time off right and
it has helped me and I know again I've
never been through this so maybe
tomorrow there will be a you know
murder-suicide going on but I Stephanie
and I give each other a couple hours a
day alone and that's very helpful that's
key you have to have some separation
because I know you guys are a great
couple you began been together many
years now what eight years now seven I
appreciate you keeping track of it all I
think about every morning little I have
a little abacus next to my bed and I
slide a bead over and it's dedicated
your relationship the staff thank you so
you've only slid the beat over seven
times now yeah you got ahead of yourself
I got ahead it just felt like you guys
were together eight seemed like yeah
seven beats but yeah that's the thing is
that a lot of couples right now are
going through a tough time because
they're in close quarters that's why I
do everything I can to just go into
another room I can tell when my wife has
had it with me do you think it's
important to not wait until you're
driving each other insane and take the
to just take two hours yes the two hours
really really really is making such a
difference and then we miss each other
and we're not we're spending four hours
apart a day
essentially it's Mike and I we've
switched that around which is we're own
we decided to only be together for one
hour and be separate the rest of the
time and my wife has never had art
no she's delighted she says this is the
just the exact amount of Coenen that
anyone should have in their life no more
so do your kids find you amusing I mean
I can entertain them about 10 percent of
the time and I'm 90 percent of the time
it's contempt and loathing just think
it's a fine mix you want to well I think
you know with certain audiences that's
what I I've gotten as well for years
some people don't recognize what I do as
comedy right right sometimes it helps
just to tell them by the way this is
comedy yeah well I have somebody
announced that before each show someone
says oh and by the way what you're about
to experience is comedy right if anyone
starts to get up to leave in a huff we
have somebody come over the loudspeaker
to let people know don't worry she's
getting to a punchline I want to ask you
quickly is this true that you before
this whole nonsense pandemic broke out
you performed in Huntsville Alabama on
the same night as another event and you
described this as what you thought was
kind of a rough point in your career
my show was the same night as wiener
dogs ah nice nice that's correct
I've been doing this I think 22 years
and I guess there is a part of me a
little surprised at 22 years down the
road I find myself in Huntsville Alabama
competing against wiener dogs on ice who
got the bigger draw that night wiener
dogs aw nice wiener dogs uh nice did I
sold I sold well okay it was a fun show
I'm sure it was a great show I just
leave well you cannot compete I love to
be on that is my favorite dog I love I
love it what a long-haired wiener dog so
if I if I were in Huntsville Alabama
that night I wouldn't have gone to my
show I would have been a wiener dogs ah
nice
I'm telling you I don't think I cannot
think of a single show I've done in my
entire career that could compete with a
wiener dog that has tiny little skates
strapped to its paws and then it shoved
across the ice do you think that's
always happening how else could what
else could we know dogs are nice be I
mean I just assumed it was just their
little paws not being able to get a grip
on the ice and uh no they feel like they
were actually skating around I think
when you say on ice almost legally
obliged to have escapes involved
otherwise you could say you know
whatever you could say hey it's Amy
Klobuchar on ice and just whip her out
onto an ice rink and watch your slide
around on her ass that's not a nice show
I'd go to that though you know what
so would I I want to talk to you about
have tag at your party be thank you this
is something that you invented quite a
while ago that I think is perfect for
the time we're in right now describe
have to get your party it's basically me
as the burning log on the TV screen when
I was tour
years ago I was missing so many friends
parties and I was pretty bummed out
about that and I thought oh might be
funny to send a video of myself just in
my hotel room and they can put it on the
TV like I'm there and then I thought
well maybe that would be a good idea to
spell to my fan base and so it actually
came out a decade ago I think on my
first album good one and and my wife
mentioned maybe I should let people know
that it's out there if you're alone and
you're ready to party I am going to be
right by your side in your house we
don't even have to socially distance
each other
from each other perfect for right now it
is the you came up with this quite a
while ago but ladies and gentlemen if
you want
TIG Notaro at your party and let's say
you're having a zoom party and like 10
people are there oh you and you want TIG
one of the funniest people I know to be
at your party this is a way to do that
we have a clip here oh and I believe
this is you it's a clip from have to get
your party can you tell us anything
about this clip um yeah I'm just
standing there just standing there yeah
let's take a look at this clip from have
to get your party
Wow that was fantastic um you know what
I wasn't watching really here in an
empty room with nothing else to do and I
couldn't hold your attention first it
was it yeah you couldn't hold your
attention next but that's the worst
now can you think that have to get your
party is gonna blow up now people if I
could buy stock and have ticket your
party mm-hmm I had a choice right now
between buying stock in have to get your
party or Charmin toilet paper I would go
all-in on have to get your party thank
you you're a smart man
I am I'm a very wise investor as you can
see valuable objects in the world behind
me um Conan I have to go you just made
me look like a fool go to TIG Notaro
calm and for $5.00
I'm not five buckaroos five bones five
bones five bones have TIG join you for a
party in your home during this time of
social distancing this is the perfect
moment for have ting at your party take
thank you so much for joining me
Thank You Conan you're my favorite
comedian who looks exactly like Tom
Cruise I appreciate that so much
please stay hunkered and safe because
and I will I will but I hope this isn't
against gosh yes America needs me we is
that what you were gonna say no no of
course not I was just gonna say I hope I
was just gonna say I hope to see you
thank you very much tag stay sane okay
you too sir
bye bye I bow to you hey thanks big
thanks Conan five bones my bones awkward
paws