>> Stephen: WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAPPY, HAPPY THURSDAY,
EVERYBODY.
THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARIES ARE OFF AND RUNNING.
SO FAR, WE'VE SEEN RESULTS FROM IOWA AND NEW HAMPSHIRE.
NEXT, THE CAMPAIGN MOVES ON TO A CAUCUS IN NEVADA.
WHICH IS PERFECT FOR BERNIE.
HE'LL FIT RIGHT IN AT THE NICKEL SLOTS.
(AS BERNIE PLAYING SLOTS) "COME ON!
BABY NEEDS A NEW PAIR OF SHOES.
BECAUSE THE MILLIONAIRES AND THE BILLIONAIRES REFUSE TO PAY THE
BABY A LIVING WAGE."
COME ON, LET'S GO!
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
INTERESTING SIDE NOTE, IN NVADA, TIES IN THE DELEGATE
ALLOCATION PROCESS WILL BE RESOLVED BY DRAWING CARDS.
HIGH CARD WINS.
LAUGH THAT'S A LITTLE TOO ON BRAND,
VEGAS.
THAT WOULD BE LIKE FLORIDA DECIDING ITS ELECTION BY HAVING
THE CANDIDATES WRESTLE A METH GATOR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DANGEROUS, THOSE METH GATORS.
THEY GOT NOTHING TO LOSE.
BUT THE NEXT ACTUAL PRIMARY IS IN MY HOME STATE OF SOUTH
CAROLINA.
THE PALMETTO STATE.
SOUTH CACKALACKY.
THE TOP-SHELF CAROLINA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW THAT NORTH CAROLINA
RAIL LICKER.
I WAS A SAFE TO SON.
I'M GOING TO BE ON THIS ELECTION LIKE SHRIMP ON
GRITS.
LIKE MUSTARD SAUCE ON BARBECUE.
LIKE CONFEDERATE FLAGS ON MORE VEHICLES THAN I AM COMFORTABLE
ACKNOWLEDGING.
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST
IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF: >> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.
A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.
DONALD TRUMP'S WORST NIGHTMARE!
>> WE'RE AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS.
( HONKING ) >> CORN POP WAS A BAD DUDE.
THEY ARE STONE COLD CRAZY.
>> FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE, 2020.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: ASSUMING THEY DON'T
SECEDE BETWEEN NOW AND THEN, SOUTH CAROLINA IS HOLDING THEIR
PRIMARY ON SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 29.
THAT'S LEAP DAY.
A DAY THAT EXISTS ONLY ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS.
JUST LIKE THE SOUTH CAROLINA DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
( LAUGHTER ) THE SOUTH CAROLINA ELECTORATE IS
A WHOLE NEW BALL GAME FOR THE DEMS.
JOE BIDEN POINTED OUT WHY: >> UP UNTIL NOW, WE HAVE NOT
HEARD FROM THE MOST COMMITTED CONSTITUENTS, THE AFRICAN
AMERICAN COMMUNITY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 99.9%.
THAT IS THE PERCENTAGE OF AFRICAN AMERICAN VOTERS WHO HAVE
NOT YET HAD A CHANCE TO VOTE IN AMERICA.
99.8%, THAT IS THE PERCENT OF LATINO VOTERS WHO HAVE NOT HAD A
CHANCE TO VOTE.
>> STEPHEN: WELL, SURE BUT THAT'S BECAUSE THE FIRST
TWO VOTES ARE IOWA AND NEW HAMPSHIRE.
( LAUGHTER ) THOSE STATES ARE SO WHITE, YOU
HAVE TO GO TO THE SUPERMARKET'S INTERNATIONAL AISLE TO BUY
PEPPER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BIDEN CURRENTLY LEADS AMONG BLACK VOTERS, WITH 27%.
"TO ALL THE BLACK VOTERS, I AM JOE BIDEN AND I "HOPE" YOU
WILL "CHANGE" THIS ELECTION AND VOTE FOR JOE, WHICH
RHYMES WITH 'BO.' IT'S HIS DOG.
COME ON!
I'M DYING HERE!
SI SE PUEDE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LONG WALK.
THE SECOND MOST POPULAR CANDIDATE AMONG AFRICAN
AMERICANS IS FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR MICHAEL BLOOMBERG WITH
22%.
SOUNDS SURPRISING, BUT BLOOMBERG HAS BEEN OUT THERE IN THE
AFRICAN AMERICAN COMMUNITY, SHAKING HANDS AND FRISKING
BABIES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
IT'S TRUE.
GOT TO CHECK THE DIAPER.
BLOOMBERG HAS BEEN RISING IN THE POLLS, BUT THERE COULD BE SOME
HURDLES FOR HIS CAMPAIGN.
IN THE PAST, HE'S BEEN ACCUSED IN SEVERAL LAWSUITS OF CREATING
AN UNCOMFORTABLE WORKPLACE ENVIRONMENT FOR WOMEN, BUT HE
WON'T RELEASE WOMEN WHO SUED HIM FROM THEIR NON-DISCLOSURE
AGREEMENTS.
OH, GO GOOD -- YET ANOTHER NEW YORK BILLIONAIRE
WITH A QUESTIONABLE HISTORY WITH WOMEN.
NEXT WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT ABOUT HIS SONS, MERRICK AND
BLOOM JR. WHRAF LAUGH HERE'S SOMETHING,
AWARD SEASON ISN'T QUITE OVER BECAUSE WE
JUST LEARNED THE WINNER OF THE LONDON NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM'S
WILDLIFE PHOTO AWARD.
OF COURSE, LAST YEAR'S WINNER WAS THIS SHOT OF A MARMOT... I'M
GOING TO SAY, TEACHING A FOX THE CHOREOGRAPHY FROM "CHICAGO."
( LAUGHTER ) THIS YEAR, THE AWARD WENT TO
THIS PHOTO, CALLED "STATION SQUABBLE," OF TWO MICE FIGHTING,
TAKEN IN A LONDON TUBE STATION.
IT'S AN AMAZING PHOTO, BUT WHEN I THINK OF NATURE, I DON'T THINK
OF RODENTS STRANGLING EACH OTHER IN A TRAIN STATION.
REALLY SEEMS LIKE THE GUY SNAPPED IT ON THE WAY TO WORK.
"WAIT, THE WILDLIFE PHOTO IS DUE WHEN?
I CAN'T GET TO AFRICA BY THEN!
HAND ME A BISCUIT!" FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT SOME POSITIVE NEWS-- CHINA SAYS THE RATE OF NEW
CORONAVIRUS INFECTIONS HAS BEEN SLOWING.
BUT THE W.H.O. IS STAYING FOCUSED ON THE DISEASE, AND THAT
MEANS GIVING IT A MORE ACCURATE NAME.
BECAUSE "CORONAVIRUSES" ARE ACTUALLY A FAMILY OF VIRUSES
THAT CAN CAUSE, AMONG OTHER THINGS, THE COMMON COLD.
SO IF YOU COME DOWN WITH A COLD, A FUN PRANK IS TO TELL PEOPLE,
"I'VE GOT CORONAVIRUS!" ( LAUGHTER )
THEN YOU CAN LAUGH ALL THE WAY TO QUARANTINE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE W.H.O. HAS SETTLED ON A NEW
NAME: COVID-19.
UGH, DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN YOU TRY TO PICK A NEW DISEASE NAME
AND THE FIRST 18 ARE ALREADY TAKEN?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BIG FANS OF EPIDEMIOLOGY HERE TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) COVID-19 IS ACTUALLY AN
ABBREVIATION OF "CORONAVIRUS DISEASE 2019," BUT THE NAME
"COVID" ISN'T SITTING WELL WITH SOME PEOPLE, NAMELY, THE AUDIO
CABLE MANUFACTURER COVID, BASED IN TEMPE, ARIZONA.
IT ALSO DOESN'T HELP THAT THEIR SLOGAN IS "COVID AUDIO CABLES--
NOTHING CAN STOP US FROM TRANSMITTING ACROSS THE GLOBE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DARN IT!
>> Jon: DARN IT!
>> Stephen: THAT'S TOUGH LUCK.
COVID-19 HAS ALSO HIT THE HIGH SEAS, WITH TWO CRUISE SHIPS
QUARANTINED OVER THE VIRUS.
SHOCKING.
USUALLY, A CRUISE SHIP IS AN IMMACULATE GERM-FREE ENVIRONMENT
WHERE YOU CAN WATCH A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD SUCKLE STRAIGHT
FROM THE SOFT SERVE SPOUT.
( LAUGHTER ) THE SHIP MOST AFFECTED IS "THE
DIAMOND PRINCESS" IN JAPAN, WHERE PASSENGERS ARE INSTRUCTED
TO STAY IN THEIR ROOMS FOR 24 HOURS A DAY, WHICH IS WHY
ENTERTAINMENT CREWS HAD BEEN CALLING GUEST ROOMS TO CHEER
PEOPLE UP.
"HELLO, CABIN 402?
I'M STEWART FROM THE ENTERTAINMENT STAFF!
HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A PRINCESS DAY.
I'M CALLING TO WALK YOU THROUGH OUR EXCITING PRODUCTION OF
'MAMMA MIA!' READY?
OKAY.
IT'S THE SUMMER OF 1999, CURTAIN UP ON 20-YEAR-OLD BRIDE-TO-BE,
SOPHIE SHERIDAN!
(SINGS 'WATERLOO') STILL THERE?"
♪ WATERLOO ♪ OH, FERNANDO ♪
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JAMES MARSDEN IS HERE!
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I TAKE A LOOK AT SOME VALENTINES CARDS.
WATERLOO!