Some people will tell you that relationships during medical school are impossible.
They’ll say that you don’t have enough time for romance and you should focus solely
on your studies.
But I disagree with this.
Here’s why.
Dr. Jubbal, MedSchoolInsiders.com.
Although medical school is incredibly demanding, to say that it’s impossible to have a healthy
relationship during this time is simply untrue.
Many students are able to start and maintain healthy relationships during their medical
training and some end up getting engaged, married, or even have children during medical
school.
That being said, to say that maintaining relationships during your medical training is easy would
be foolish*.* You will be challenged physically, intellectually, and emotionally on a daily
basis.
You will also be pushed to the limits of your productivity and time management.
But just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
Here are 5 tips for healthy relationships during medical school.
It should be noted that although we are referring specifically to romantic relationships in
this video, many of these tips can also be applied to your relationships with friends,
family, and other important people in your life.
With that in mind, let’s get onto the list.
Tip number one is to maintain a positive mindset.
Many medical students believe they don’t have enough time for dating or relationships.
But if this is your mentality, your relationships are doomed to fail from the start.
As Henry Ford famously said, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re
right.”
Medical school is incredibly demanding on your time.
It can be easy to get caught up in the belief that any time not spent studying, preparing
for boards, or furthering your career in some way is time wasted.
However, this is untrue.
As we’ve discussed in previous videos on this channel, when it comes to productivity
and efficiency, sustainability is the name of the game.
To maintain high levels of productivity over long periods of time, you need to have balance
in your life.
Neglecting self-care and relationships is a surefire way to burn out and will only make
you less effective over time.
You need to give yourself time to decompress and unwind outside of medical school and relationships
can be a great outlet to do just that.
Once you’ve decided that you’re too busy for relationships, however, it often becomes
a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This mindset colors your perception and influences your behavior.
As a result, you don’t end up putting in the time or effort necessary to maintain a
healthy relationship.
Remember, dating and relationships are supposed to be fun.
They’re great opportunities for growth and self-development.
Not only do you learn a lot about others, but you also learn a lot about yourself.
But once you start viewing your relationships as a burden or a chore, you set them up for
failure.
Tip number two is to practice effective communication.
Poor communication is one of the most common issues that couples face, but during medical
school, it becomes even more critical.
During your training, the majority of your waking hours will be spent in the classroom,
in the clinic, or studying.
Your schedule is often so demanding that it’s not uncommon for everything else to take a
back seat–including relationships.
As such, it’s crucial to communicate effectively with your partner and manage their expectations.
Unless you’re dating someone within medicine, it can be challenging for your partner to
understand the amount of time and commitment it takes to become a physician.
They may take your busy schedule as meaning you’re too busy for them or not making time.
But we all go through phases in our lives and during this phase, your career is a top
priority.
You need to be transparent with your partner and make sure they understand that just because
you won’t always have time to spend with them doesn’t mean they aren’t important
to you.
One tactic that I’ve found helpful is letting your partner know your level of certainty
when committing to an event.
During your clinical rotations in your third and fourth years of medical school, your schedule
can be incredibly inconsistent.
You may get called in or stay late and have to cancel plans at the last minute.
Letting your partner know how certain you are ahead of time, whether it be 90%, 50%
or even 20%, can help you manage expectations and avoid arguments.
This next tip goes hand-in-hand with communication; however, it’s important enough that it warrants
its own point.
Tip number three is to set boundaries.
To your partner, it may seem like your only set obligations are in the classroom and the
clinic or hospital–but ask anyone in medical school and they’ll tell you that’s far
from the whole story.
It is estimated that the average medical student spends around 3-5 hours per day studying and
as much as 8-11 hours per day around exams.
It is important to set boundaries and let your partner know that just because you don’t
physically have to be somewhere doesn’t mean that you’re always available to spend
time together.
If your partner is also in school, studying together from time to time can be a great
way to spend time with each other; however, this will depend heavily on you and your partner.
Some couples are able to study effectively together, whereas others get distracted and
focus too much on stress relief during study sessions.
Be honest with yourselves and set boundaries as necessary to ensure you’re able to get
your work done.
In addition to study time, it is important to give yourself time to practice self-care.
Focus on being real with your partner and your needs.
Although you’re short on time, there may still be occasions when you need to decompress
on your own or be alone with your thoughts.
Other times it may be beneficial to have someone else there.
Communicate your needs to your partner and make sure you’re on the same page.
Setting boundaries is an important part of any relationship.
Every moment away from studying or the hospital doesn’t need to be spent with your partner.
Trying to do so is often a recipe for disaster.
This brings me to tip number four which is to be creative with how you and your partner
spend time together.
Although you shouldn’t try to combine work and play, you can still take advantage of
tasks that you might otherwise do alone.
Sometimes routine errands such as getting groceries, going to the gym, cooking dinner,
or even doing chores around the house can be fun opportunities to spend time with your
partner.
If you can try to find joy in the little, everyday things with your partner, it often
makes the big date nights or vacations feel that much more special.
This strategy has worked well for Plastic Surgeon Dr. Joshua Goldman and his wife – who
is an orthopedic surgeon.
If you’d like to see him discuss this topic in detail, be sure to check out a day in his
life over on the Kevin Jubbal, M.D.
channel - link in the description.
Lastly, tip number five is to view relationships as a team sport.
During medical school, it’s inevitable that problems will arise.
But when issues present themselves, it’s important to remember that you and your partner
are a team.
Instead of viewing the conflict as a you versus your partner situation, try to change your
perspective and view it as you and your partner versus the problem.
This is a simple but powerful change in mindset that will allow you and your partner to work
through problems more effectively.
There’s a popular quote that says, “You can either be right, or you can be happy.”
Instead of fixating on who’s right and trying to prove your point, it’s much better to
focus on harmony and getting along.
If you’re willing to step down and not succumb to your ego, you’ll often find it easier
to smooth out points of friction and prevent them from blowing up into bigger conflicts.
It’s also important to remember that relationships won’t always be an even split.
You’ll often hear people say that they should be an even 50/50 split or even 100/100 split;
however, if you take these too literally you may find yourself in a toxic relationship.
On the one hand, if you strive to be a perfect 50/50 split, you risk your relationship becoming
transactional.
Whenever you do something, you expect an equivalent action or behavior in return.
Over time, it can become exhausting to keep tally and trust and connection erode.
On the other hand, if you look at them as 100/100 then you may end up giving too much
of yourself to the relationship.
Remember, you need to put on your own oxygen mask first.
In life, you should always be your number one priority–and your partner should do
the same.
The key here is being flexible and understanding that sometimes things won’t be equal.
Sometimes your partner will give more, and sometimes you’ll give more.
Maintaining an effective relationship during medical school can be challenging; however,
it’s not impossible.
I was in a relationship for 3 years during medical school and found it to be a net positive
experience accelerating personal growth.
That being said, this will vary from person to person.
There are always unforeseen pros and cons that come along with relationships and dating
during medical school may not be right for everyone.
Only you can decide what’s best for yourself.
Thank you all so much for watching.
If you’d like to learn more about the realities of dating during medical school or my personal
experiences with it, be sure to check out Dating & Relationships in Medical School & Residency
over on the Kevin Jubbal, M.D.
channel.
Much love, and I’ll see you guys there.