- Welcome to "Full Frontal."
With the stately grace and smooth competence
we've come to expect of this administration,
President Trump scrambled his Thursday
SCOTUS announcement to Tuesday.
Today I am keeping another promise to the American people
by nominating Judge Neil Gorsuch of the United
States Supreme Court to be of the United
States Supreme Court.
I see someone's teleprompter lessons are going well.
Nice misdirection, Criss Angel.
But you can't just shake your keys
and distract us from the giant mess you made.
We're not cable news.
We're Americans, and we would like a word.
At quarter to Shabbos on Friday afternoon, the time
when the government always rolls out the best ideas
that it's most proud of, Donald Trump
scrawled his polygraph malfunction of a signature
on a sweeping travel ban, then lumbered back to the Residence
to eat Funyuns and watch "The Five" while his awesome edict
made the world a better place.
NEWSCASTER: Chaos at American airports.
NEWSCASTER: Hundreds of travelers impacted.
Dozens detained at a number of airports.
Families separated for hours, including
this five-year-old boy.
NEWSCASTER: Customs and Border Protection
officials unclear on how to enforce the new policy.
As far as green card holders moving forward,
it doesn't affect them.
This order does not impact any green card holders
from these seven countries? - Well, of course, it does.
Is he confused, or are you confused?
No, I'm not confused.
You've twice confused me.
Some of this is kind of confusing.
Paul Ryan now publicly admits the rollout was,
in his word, "confusing."
"Confusing"?
Give Trump's ban some credit.
It was the healthcare.gov of Islamophobia,
the Ford Pinto of intolerance, a big fat cocktail of New Coke
and Zima poured onto a Microsoft Zune playing
an endless loop of the "Star Wars"
prequels' Jar Jar Binks scenes.
Or as Trump put it--
It's working out very nicely.
You see it at the airports.
You see it all over.
It's working out very nicely.
"Nicely."
Oh, yeah, right.
That's what we ran on the front page of all the newspapers.
Now, what the fake news failed to mention
is that Trump's ban will prevent numerous terrorists
from entering the country--
one numer in particular.
The Cato Institute, a conservative think tank,
has tallied the number of Americans
killed by citizens of the seven countries
banned from 1975 to 2015.
They are as follows.
From Iraq, zero.
From Iran, zero.
From Syria, zero.
From Somalia, zero.
From Libya, zero.
And from Sudan, zero.
Whatever.
Everyone knows you can't trust numbers,
especially Arabic numbers.
Look, we learned years ago that using
national origin as a basis for exclusion didn't work.
And it pissed off our allies.
Oh, hey, you know what does work to prevent terrorist attacks?
When presidents pay attention in their security briefings!
But--
[CHEERING]
But the important thing to remember
is that this is in no way a Muslim ban.
Wink.
Oh, you can't use the word "Muslim."
Remember this-- and I'm OK with that, because I'm talking
territory instead of Muslim.
Call it whatever you want.
We'll call it territories, OK?
Actually, lawyers call it unconstitutional.
But what's in a name?
The other important thing to remember
about the not-a-Muslim ban is that Muslim
President Barack Obama was the first to ban Muslims.
He is a Muslim, but he did ban the Muslims first.
And Republicans simply want to continue
the good work of President Hussein
Obama, the founder of ISIS.
No one seemed to complain when President Obama put
a ban on Iraqi refugees coming into this country for six
months.
Something that he didn't rant and rave about when
Obama did it in 2011.
President Obama certainly had a ban on the Iraqi refugee
program for six months.
Why did people not protest that?
Dang, Kellyanne, you got a tutu to go with all that spin?
People didn't protest because Obama didn't ban anyone
or suspend visa applications.
He just added new vetting requirements that
slowed visa processing down.
It's the difference between going to the DMV on a busy day
and going to the post office on Sunday.
Trump's Bolshoi bullshitters also
offered a unified, calming message to the country--
suck on a chill pill, losers.
It's all temporary.
I know that in some cases they're going to be
a bit of an inconvenience.
I was stopped many times-- weren't you-- after 9/11.
It's a small price to pay.
There's a whole lot of people who
really need to switch to decaf.
This is a 90-day ban.
Relax.
J. Lord isn't being flippant and heartless.
He's just plugging his new line of T-shirts.
Unfortunately for this clown car of an Oval Office,
not all the protests came from harridans and pussycats.
Opponents also include the Koch brothers,
who would never want to prevent the next Ayn Rand
from arriving on our shores.
Major Christian groups spoke out.
Those guys practically worship Middle Eastern refugees.
And then there's veterans, who for some reason
object to chucking out the translators who
saved their lives back in Iraq.
One veteran gave an Iraqi family his Purple Heart.
My god, you reckless ding-dong.
What if that Iraqi is a terrorist and poked someone
to death with that pin?
Also opposed were many of our elected senators,
whose role in government has abruptly
gone from advise and consent to sit down and shut up.
President Trump firing back on Twitter saying this.
"The joint statement of former presidential candidates
John McCain and Lindsey Graham is wrong.
They are sadly weak on immigration."
I noticed Chuck Schumer yesterday with fake tears.
I'm going to ask him who is his acting coach,
because I know him very well.
I don't see him as a crier.
If he is, he's a different man.
Oh, what a refreshing rejection
of political correctness.
The president of the United States
calling the Senate minority leader a lying sissy boy.
I'm sorry.
Who's the bigger sissy?
The Holocaust victim's great-grandson who teared up
over families being torn apart, or the guy who's
afraid to walk down stairs?
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
Honestly, Theresa May is lucky all he grabbed was her hand.
So for those keeping score at home, when a Rite Aid cashier
says happy holidays to you instead of merry Christmas,
that is religious oppression.
But when you're a legally approved green card holder
who's refused entry into the United States,
forced to surrender your green card,
sent to Ethiopia even though you're from Yemen,
and left in Tom Hanks' limbo at the Addis Ababa airport,
that's an "inconvenience."
Those poor guys.
Guess their only hope is to follow Tom Hanks' lead
and escape the airport by impersonating a hero pilot.
[LAUGHTER]
We'll be right back, because, believe me, we are not done.
[THEME MUSIC]