-I am reading this cue card for the first time.
So, with the election having happened
and COVID a repetitive story, many are wondering,
what, again, is the deal with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle?
And, also, people are thinking, "Who cares?"
And at the same time, "The Crown" is on.
Which brings us to a segment called
"Royal Watch: News From the Real-Life Crown."
Eesh. And here with that is our friend -- oh, okay --
John Mulaney.
-Welcome back, buddy. -Thank you, Seth!
Thank you, everybody.
You know, I've been on this show many times,
but it's kind of surreal to be the guest on
"Royal Watch: News From the Real-Life Crown" segment.
-I'm not mad. I'm just curious.
Why did you write it this way,
making it seem like it's a recurring segment?
Is it to justify you wanting to talk about the royals
or an ego thing of you wanting to feel like
the guest who was chosen to be on this fake segment?
-I think probably both, in a way.
Does that make sense?
-Well, we're in it now.
So, what do you have to say about
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle
and Netflix's "The Crown" currently?
-Okay. It's weird!
Or don't you think it's weird that
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle --
they left the royal family and they're like,
"Oh, this will be the story of the year."
And then COVID -- -When did they say that, though?
Did they say, "This will be the story of the year"?
-No, but people said, like, you know,
"This is a big deal," you know, which it is.
It's a huge deal. -Start again.
-Okay.
Real quick, you met
Prince William and Kate Middleton -- excuse me --
Mrs. Middleton at an event once or you saw them at an event?
Which was it?
-Yeah, we were in a fundraiser for St. Andrews, yeah.
-What's that? -It's the school they met at.
It's a university in Scotland.
-A king-and-queen school had a fundraiser in the United States?
-Yeah. -That's whack as [bleep] man.
What did they act like? Were they stuck up?
-They were very -- No, they were very pleasant,
and my wife still talks about how Kate had the best, like,
table manners she'd ever seen.
Like, she could get one pea on a knife.
-Was she eating like Charlie Chaplin?
Why was that happening?
I remember you sent me -- It was nice.
He sent me a photo of their placement card
at the table.
He dines with royalty, I get a JPEG -- whatever.
Listen, I'm so jealous of you for meeting them.
I've never told you that.
Okay, resetting.
I think that it was a very big deal
that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle
left the royal family, because that family is proper,
and you have to literally -- have to literally -
be dressed nice to be in the house.
"The Crown" is a good show, because it shows them
fighting and packing trunks and drawing baths,
and you think, "Well, the fake Queen Elizabeth
is a human being
and the fake Windsor family has fun drama."
But, when you look at the press
and you see the real-life family,
it's like you never hear about any of their problems.
-I totally disagree with that. -On what grounds?
-The media and society, at least here in the United States,
has an appetite for gossip and hearsay
about the English monarchy,
because scandals and public fights are, in fact, frequent.
Sarah Ferguson, the recent deeply troubling accusations
about Prince Andrew and Jeffrey Epstein.
And that's not even touching the grossly public
and endlessly discussed marriage, divorce,
and death of Princess Diana of Wales.
-Yeah.
But you know it's weird, right, that Meghan and Harry left?
Like, what?
You thought rolling with those dorks in church clothes
was going to be fun?
Had you been told it was nonstop laughs?
Because you're thinking of "The Munsters," you silly goose.
-You're yelling at who here?
-Her, Meghan Markle. -Okay.
-Yeah. Just the fact that she wanted to leave the royal family
because they were like, "Be proper and sit so."
There has never been a point in my life where I did not know
that the Queen of England was strict and not fun at all.
So don't marry into the family with the most
jive-ass, boring people ever and then be like,
"Oh, should we play 'Never Have I Ever?'"
-Well, I mean, there is a difference between
one's expectations about a life
and the reality of living that life.
She may have factored in what you were saying,
but then, day-to-day, realized it was suffocating.
-Yeah.
That's -- that's true.
Okay, so forget -- I want to take -- Not take it out.
Don't remove it, but forget what I said about
Mrs. Markle, the Duchess.
I didn't mean to criticize her.
The real dunce of this fairy tale is -- ba-ring! --
Prince Harry has entered the chat.
You dumb ginger.
You leave your title because you don't like
your 94-year-old grandma?
Um, that's the definition of something you wait out, gangsta.
Pretty sure Father Time was going to sort out the case of
the very old bummer woman who had 30 months to live.
Oh, too mean, too mean, too mean, too mean.
Also, Seth, Harry's mom was Diana, as in Princess Diana,
who, though through divorce, so it's different,
also wanted to escape the House of Windsor.
-One would think Prince Harry would have
a realistic perspective on the difficulties of being a royal.
-I like -- You said that very well.
Could I use that for "Royal Watch"?
Or I guess we're -- Yes, it's a huge deal that they left.
And they thought everyone was going to care, Meghan and Harry,
and then people did care,
but then the story totally got eclipsed,
and now people talk about it less.
First off, two factors.
You had Trump being president, which was a thing every day,
and then COVID hit in March.
-Well, COVID was spreading as early as December.
-As early as December. This is the "Seth Meyers News."
I know that, okay? I'm not chronology smart.
I'm smart with words, smart with language, you know?
-Well, then spell the word "sheriff."
-Get out of here!
Of all the digs.
Everything closed in March because of COVID --
Or most things, things in the NYC did -- some things did.
So, this big stunt is suddenly like,
"What are you talking about?"
Like, we're dealing with a disease here.
And then they're like, "They get nothing."
Look at this --
Look at this headline from "Cosmopolitan."
And then the sub-headline under it says...
[ Laughs ] Someone had to type that.
That sucks so much. It's literally nothing.
-I think, like me, you are a complex person.
-I appreciate that. Thank you.
-But despite your complexity,
you are so satisfied by the simplest things.
-Oh, an epitaph if I've ever heard one.
Thank you for that.
Indeed, I am simple and difficult.
Next up, this story sucked but was also great.
This is -- Read this one.
"Princess Eugenie moves into Frogmore Cottage,
Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan's --"
Who did what and where now?
Can you picture this at a dinner party?
Like, "Oh, Princess Eugenie, where are you living now?"
And she goes, "Please, call me Euge.
I'm living at the Froggy Doggy Castle."
It's like, "Get out of here with that [bleep]
-It sounds like there's a lot of media coverage of
Meghan and Harry and that you read all of it.
-Well, you can't avoid it.
I mean, the Google News every day --
it says, "These for you."
-Yeah, but those are stories for you, based on your searches.
Like, those are not "you," as in "everybody."
-As in the royal "you"? Pun intended and planned.
But, wait, the "for you" on Google News,
you don't get my -- Does anyone get the same ones?
Jasper? Alright.
-No, see, it's an algorithm that provides the content you like.
Like, what's the number-one story
for you on Google News today?
-Today was "Mulaney Q&A with Michigan State
provides laughs, albeit virtual ones."
-See, I didn't get that story. -Oh, I'll forward it to you.
But it's like a student reporter, so, like,
they have to find something to criticize, you know.
Anyway, I think I've proved my point -- just now --
because only I know about
Meghan and Harry because of an algorithm.
So if it wasn't for combining all my personal data
into one pool, I wouldn't get that collected,
and they wouldn't deduce I want news on kings and queens.
Harry and Meghan would be a bigger story
if everyone was like me, but everyone is not like me.
-You think? -I think. I think.
I guess what I'm here to ask is -- somewhat rhetorically --
is it as interesting to you as it is to me
that there is a royal family?
Like, England has a national family
that gets dressed up in costumes.
But, also, do you somehow kind of want the monarchy to survive?
And is that why I like "The Crown" on Netflix?
Because it's a throwback to a time
that I did live through, but I was a baby --
or I was a little kid.
"The Crown" shows how miserable life can be as a monarch.
It's true.
And so, in that light,
I can see why Harry and Meghan left.
So, I guess it's not -- It's not weird.
It's of note, I guess, but it's understandable.
-And there is press coverage of it.
-Yeah.
-But not as much as the
presidential election or the worldwide pandemic.
-Yeah.
-I don't mind -- I never mind having you out here,
but in the future, if you want to
talk things like this out, a phone call...
-A phone call maybe, yeah, is better?
-...would be better. -Yeah? Okay.
-You know, we'll see what of this we can use,
but, you know, fair warning, it might be online only --
-Oh, yeah, online only. Yeah, that's fine with me.
I appreciate the time.
I think we're short, but I do
thank you, as always, for giving me this platform.
-Yeah.
-And the next "Royal Watch" will be a little more focused.
There's just a lot going on with those Windsors.
Thank you, Seth.
And, as a student reporter once wrote about me,
thank you for the laughs...
albeit virtual ones.
-We'll be right back with Amy Adams.
-And then Adams Atoms.