Hey, it's Clayton and in this video, I'm going to talk about neediness. I'm gonna talk about
how to stop being insecure, how to stop being clingy in your relationships, and really how
to get this part of your life, or at least start getting this part of your life under
control. Now the inspiration for this video is— a couple conversations a couple coaching
clients that I've been working with recently who when we got to the crux of what was actually
happening between them and their partner was that they had this incredible fear of putting
pressure on their partner by expressing their needs. They thought, “God you know I just
don't want to be clingy. These are the things that I'm needing from him or that I'm wanting
to see this is what I want.” And even getting to that place where they can say, “you know
what it is that they want” was a bit of a struggle. But once we got there then the
objection came up: “Well I could never say that because then I would be putting pressure
on him and he might leave me,” or, “I don't want to come off like I'm desperate
or controlling. I don't want to disrespect his time by asking for what I want.” And
see this type of thinking, if you can relate to anything that I just said there, it's this
type of thinking that actually keeps us locked in this state of need and we were locked in
the state of need that is what creates the neediness in the relationship. So, see you
might be noticing there's a little bit of a paradox here that if you want to escape
this neediness view, if you want to no longer be needy or clingy in a relationship, you
actually have to express the need because expressing the need allows that feeling to
complete itself. Perfect example, I was working with a woman who had told me that she was
losing sleep that she couldn't even function at work because the man that she had been
dating, she was falling in love with and she had been with him for several months now,
and she wanted so bad to tell him that she loved him and she just couldn't bring herself
to do it. So, after dealing with this for a while, she finally worked up the courage
and she said it and what happened was that she transformed in the relationship after
that she felt this total burden just lift from her chest all this weight of holding
this in just go away and suddenly the relationship was able to move to the next phase. So, because
she's able to express that it's almost like a declaration that she makes to herself of
“yeah I deserve to be seen for who I am in the relationship. My authentic real self
is worth it to come out in the relationship.” And that's really where miracles happen in
the relationship, I see a lot of relationships end because people are afraid of expressing
need because what they think is gonna happen is that they're gonna put too much pressure
on their partner. They think that they need to minimize themselves, that they need to
discount what it is that they're wanting in order to be in a relationship. And ironically
that is the exact type of thinking that actually causes relationships to end because if you
are not showing up in the relationship and expressing your need, what ends up happening
is, you as a woman, you as a man, actually disappear in the relationship. Because you
are perhaps becoming whatever you think the other person wants or maybe you are completely
withdrawn and the other person doesn't really even know who you are then because when they
know what it is that you want and what you need suddenly you appear as a real human being
in the relationship. And you also by expressing your need give your man or your woman a clear
roadmap of how to satisfy you of how to be in the relationship to create moments of happiness
and without that expression of need the other person is kind of flying blindly. So, the
first thing that we're doing here just even by talking about this is we're beginning to
reframe that you being able to ask for what you want in a relationship, whether it's reassurance,
whether it is more presence, whether it is a deeper listening or just more security,
that gives your partner a gift. It allows you to show up as somebody that they now have
a roadmap for of like how to love and how perhaps make happy. And it really creates
this clarity where you both can figure out where you stand with each other. And that's
what allows the intimacy to deepen. It's this of trying to avoid this conflict trying to
avoid expressing what it is that we want that actually creates the conflict, that actually
creates a separation and the lack of intimacy in the relationship. Now let's distinguish
this component of putting pressure on somebody, “Okay well that sounds great Clayton. I
want to express. I want more time or more attention or maybe I want to see my partner
more often. But you know they're going through a lot right now and I don't want to be a burden
on them. How do we fix that?” Well here's the difference between in terms of communication,
what makes it pressure and a burden versus what actually makes it clean communication
that allows the other person the freedom to fulfill on it and maybe feel good about it.
The difference is this: when you are expressing your need, are you asking the person to fulfill
it from them being in a place of not being okay? Are you making them not okay because
you have a need? So, for example: Am I blaming you because I'm not getting the presence that
I want? Am I saying things like you should be more this or you should be more that or
am I assuming that I know your intentions behind why this need of mine is not being
met? Because see if I'm assuming that I know your intentions without actually talking to
you about it, without actually expressing the need from a clean place, the other person's
listening shuts down because they suddenly feel like they are pushing off this attack
and they have to become defensive. So how you keep the communication clean is by ensuring
that they are okay, that you are making them okay with your communication which means you're
not making assumptions about their intention. And if you are not thinking that, if that
they know better, that they are purposefully not fulfilling this need because they're trying
to be mean to you, or they're trying to create a reaction. Now just that alone seeing that
maybe that person is just actually they just don't know is that you want allows you to
communicate from a place of where you're saying rather than saying for instance, “you know
you never do this, we never hang out anymore, or we never have these deep conversations,
or you never listen to me, or you're always on your phone, you're never present,” which
is all the blame making them not okay. It's saying something to the effect of, “I'm
really feeling like I'm needing more attention, maybe it's my insecurities. But I'm really
wanting some reassurance from you, right. I know it's not in your intention but I'm
feeling a bit neglected. I'm feeling a bit unsure. I'm feeling a bit alone in the relationship
and what I'm wanting is X Y Z. What I'm wanting is for us to be together more often or to
have more conversations during the week.” Now see, what you're doing there is you're
owning your experience. You're owning your experience and you're not blaming them for
your experience. You're naming your experience. Naming it out loud which is irrefutable right.
No one can argue with your experience and that's what makes it clean. And the next you're
following with a request of what it is that you would like. Now a lot of this also has
to do with the way in which you approach, the tone, body language and just the intention
that you have. And communicating this is also really important. So, it really is trusting
that maybe the other person, the reason that you're not feeling like you're getting what
you want out of the relationship or the interaction is not because of something that's wrong with
you or something that they're doing on purpose to try to deny you, it's rather they might
just be ignorant. So, when you assume that it might be that they're just ignorant it
frees you up to say, “Ah okay. This is an opportunity for growth for us to go deeper
so, on a service of the relationship, to respect the relationship, to respect our connection,
I must insert my voice into this dynamic.” So, he has the opportunity or she has the
opportunity to be able to step up and meet these needs here. Now if you still think that
it's pressure and you think that oh well you know I'm just afraid that he's not gonna want
to do it at all or such say that he does have an a reaction where you can see that he's
not wanting to do these things even if you're communicating them clearly, then it might
be important to reassess whether you are with someone that you are compatible with; whether
the vision that you have of a relationship, the vision that the two of you have created,
whether you guys have gone different directions or whether you both want different thing.
And it's better to know the truth and get more connected to the truth because then you
can have a conversation around it rather than operating under all of these assumptions and
hoping that somehow it figures itself out on its own. So, that's it around neediness,
post any comments that you have below, post any questions. I want to plug something really
quick and there is a webinar that is happening, it's right underneath this link, it's called
the Three Keys to Being Relationship Ready. And it is for women who are wanting to become
relationship ready which means that you are at a place in your life where you want to
have everything together on your side of the fence so you can create the space for a quality
partner to walk into your life and for you to be able to navigate it both mentally, psychologically,
emotionally and truly have a high-quality partner that you can create a conscious relationship
with. So, go ahead and click the link below this, if you're interested. If that intrigues
you at all, subscribe to this channel, hit the bell and thank you for watching.