-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
Thank you for being here. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you for watching.
Well, guys, as the war in Ukraine continues,
a lot more American companies are distancing themselves
from Russia.
And I mean a lot more.
I mean, one of the major companies is Starbucks.
They just closed all 130 of their stores over there.
Yeah. And that was just on one street.
-Wow.
-There's always Dunkin' Donuts, but Putin was like, "Nyet.
That's what America runs on."
And the company that owns Pizza Hut, KFC, and Taco Bell
suspended its operations in Russia.
I had no idea Taco Bell was popular in Russia.
I guess that explains why everyone sits
50 feet apart from each other.
How good can Taco Bell be over there?
It's an American company making Mexican food in Russia.
You know?
It's like a photo copy of a photo copy of a photo copy.
And then, facing growing public pressure,
Papa John's announced that it is
halting all Russian business operations.
Russians were like, "Finally, some good news."
But it's not just restaurants.
Philip Morris, the maker of Marlboro cigarettes,
just announced plans to scale down operations.
That's tough, because in Russia, cigarettes make up
90% of the food pyramid.
-Potato on top.
-You know you messed up when even tobacco companies are like,
"We can't be associated with you.
I'm sorry."
Well, guys, today, President Biden signed
an executive order to establish the first-ever strategy
from the federal government to regulate cryptocurrencies.
I'm just worried now that the government is involved,
it'll feel like your parents joining Facebook.
All of a sudden, it's not cool anymore, yeah.
Biden wants to regulate crypto.
He's even looking into creating a digital dollar.
It'll look exactly like the regular dollar bill,
except George Washington will be replaced with an ape
with sunglasses.
Meanwhile, President Biden met with business leaders today
to discuss a microchip shortage.
It's kind of a complicated subject,
but Biden basically wants to invest billions of dollars
in silicon chip production to make sure America
is leading in the tech sector.
It makes sense when you think about it.
I mean...
[ Thinking ] Oh, God, I should not be talking about
chip production right now.
What the heck do I know about chips?
Uh, they're in phones, computers.
Maybe Tariq can hop on this. I got to bail.
But that's just my take.
I mean, Tariq, what do you think?
-Oh, well, when you take a look at the issue of, say,
technological sovereignty, that we're clearly --
I mean, we're heading to a dip in the chips --
[ Thinking ] A dip in the chips?
What the hell am I talking about?
Jimmy told me we were just going to play charades today.
I'm not qualified to talk about this.
Oh, I know. I'll pass it to Higgins.
He reads up on this stuff.
It's actually all theoretical.
Yo, Higgins, did you have any thoughts on microchips?
-Well, you know, on the one hand, you obviously have to
account for the differences...
[ Thinking ] Aw, crap!
I thought they were talking about potato chips
this whole time.
Hmm. I don't do Ruffles because they hurt the roof of my mouth,
but they are the best for dipping.
Oh, I can't make up my mind!
-[ Thinking ] What I do is, I dip one end of the chip
in one dip and one end in another dip.
Double dip, same chip.
-[ Thinking ] Me? But I don't know if I even want dip.
Straight chip, no dip, baby.
-And that's why I like to say, "Straight dip, no chip."
Mmm! -Ew! -- Hig-- Oh, thank you.
Ugh!
Alright, that's good. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
-Mmm! -Thank you. Thank you, Higgins.
We got to the bottom of that. -So warm.
-Appreciate it. Thank you.
Guys, get this.
I read that Tinder is now offering
criminal background checks on potential dates.
Users heard and were like, "Wait.
You weren't already doing that? What's going on?"
So now you get a message that says,
"You've matched with John, who's wanted in 46 states."
You go, "Cool. People like him."
And, finally, did you guys see this?
Florida was hit with some major rain this week,
and it made Disney World flood.
Take a look at this.
Yeah. Right away, Disney sprang into action
by charging guests 50 bucks for a poncho.
It's like a dry-cleaning bag with Mickey's head on it, yeah.
Disney tried to play it off like,
"This is just our newest attraction --
"Formerly Frozen."
We have a great show.