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Do you know what it means to have a trauma bond
with someone?
Most people would wrongly assume
that this means bonding with someone over a shared trauma
but actually trauma bonding is a defining characteristic
of many toxic and abusive relationships.
And it's often the main reason why
we might find ourselves unable to leave them.
A drama bond refers to the deep emotional attachment
one might feel towards their abuser
and it's more likely to develop in those
who have a history of abuse, exploitation,
or emotional codependency in their past relationships.
Trauma bonds can easily be mistaken
for feelings of love and commitment towards another person.
So with that said, here are some signs to look out for
that tell you if it's not actually love
that you're experiencing, but a trauma bond.
Number one, the other person is outwardly charming.
Of course, if given the choice
no one would willingly choose to pursue a relationship
with someone who acts abusive towards them.
The problem is however
the toxic relationships don't start out that way.
And it's usually only when you've already experienced
the abuse that you start to realize something is wrong.
You might develop a trauma bond with someone
if they are outwardly charming, sweet, caring,
and seem trustworthy to you, but don't be fooled.
There might be something more sinister
lurking beneath it all.
Number two, they are emotionally unpredictable.
You might be asking yourself
why don't people just leave the relationships
once they realize that it's unhealthy for them,
but the trouble is it's a lot harder to spot trauma bonding
when it's up close and personal
compared to if you just saw it happening to someone else.
This is because abusive partners
can often be emotionally manipulative, too.
They might abuse you and devalue you
only to shower you with kindness, apologies,
and promises to change the next day.
This serves as positive reinforcement to make you
second guess any thoughts you might have of leaving them.
Number three, they tend to take their problems out on you.
Think back to the last time this partner, friend,
or family member heard some bad news
or encountered a problem.
How do they usually deal with it?
Do they often lash out, take it out on you,
even when you've done nothing wrong?
They could be keeping you around
as their psychological punching bag
and you deserve better than that.
Number four, they isolate you from your loved ones.
Some people might think it's sweet to have someone
who wants them all to themselves and gets jealous
of those you spend your time with,
but there's a difference between loving someone so much
you want them around all the time
and actively working to isolate them
from the other important relationships in their lives.
Does this person get mad at you
for spending time with anyone who isn't them?
Do they try to control who you're with or ask you
to distance yourself from your friends and family?
If the answer is yes then that's as clear a red flag as any.
Number five you deny or minimize their abusive behavior.
Now let's look at all the ways the trauma bond
might affect you and your behavior.
Oftentimes the most telling sign
that you are in a destructive relationship
is if you find yourself constantly trying to deny
or minimize the other person's wrongdoings.
We look past all their mistreatment towards us
and minimize the abuse by saying things like,
oh, it's not that bad really, or I don't mind it,
because in the moment it's easier for us
to just brush it off instead of confronting
what might be a terrible harsh reality
that the person you're with is abusing you.
Number six, you constantly make excuses for them.
The moment you can no longer deny
or minimize what the other person has done,
and a family member or friend says something like
what they did to you is not okay,
don't let them treat you like that,
you're still most likely going to try
to make excuses for them and come to their defense.
At times you might even find yourself feeling
like you deserve their mistreatment.
Once you start thinking like this, that is a critical sign
that you are in a trauma bond and not a loving relationship.
Number seven, you're becoming more
and more emotionally numb.
Have you noticed yourself feeling less and less lately?
Like you are detached and emotionally numb.
You might be feeling this way
because subconsciously it's your mind's way of coping
with all of the abuse that it's had to deal with
from the person you're trauma bonded to.
You can't take any more pain, fear, anger, or heartache.
So instead you close yourself off from all of your emotions.
You're not as vibrant, talkative,
or expressive as you used to be.
And they're the reason why.
And number eight,
you're hiding aspects of your relationship from others.
Finally, but perhaps most importantly, if you start to hide
certain aspects of your relationship from those around you
then you know that there's definitely something wrong
because why else would you actively try to cover up
how bad things are getting between you two.
Loyalty towards an abusive significant other
is a hallmark of trauma bonding.
So you might find yourself becoming defensive
or even angered by other people's attempts to intervene
in your relationship and help you.
Do you relate to any of the things we've mentioned here?
If you or anyone you know is trapped in a trauma bond
with someone abusive, don't hesitate to speak out
and seek professional help today.
And if you need to, get in touch with authorities
who can help you too.
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Take care of yourself.
Thank you for watching and see you next time.
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