Game of Thrones appears to be about war and violence and grand flashes of power. But the
person who ultimately wins the Game of Thrones will not be the best at riding dragons or
fighting wars, because as violent as Game of Thrones is, most of the power you see on
screen ins't wielded with physical force.
So, even though Cersei says things like this
She actually acts like this
It's the same in our world. Power is not always enforced physically. It comes from this tiny
mini conflicts that are occurring under the radar and something that I call the 4 W's.
And these mini conflicts are, while less physically capable players like Tyrion, have a very strong
chance of winning the Game of Thrones.
So, in this video, we're going to explore these mini power conflicts in a conversation
between Tyrion and Daenerys. And you're going to see why Tyrion is such a force to be reckoned
with, and how you can use his principles in your own life. So let's go ahead and start
with the 4 W's of power.
The first W, controlling WHEN things occur. Notice how Dany chooses exactly when the
silence will be broken in this next clip.
In this scene, Tyrion and Jorah are completely at Dany's mercy because Jorah betrayed her
and Tyrion is from a family that she hates. She's queen and she has all of the power in
this situation. And this scene shows how she lets that silence sit for a while to emphasize her
power. When Jorah interrupts the silence, she tells him to be silent, effectively deciding
when the interaction begins.
And what this shows is the importance of sitting easily in silence. That conveys power, which
is something that other characters really struggle with, maybe, you do too. So check
out Joffrey versus Tywin and notice who fidgets more when there's silence.
The power dynamic here is obvious. Less movement means more power, because movement means that
person is reacting to the other person. Clearly, the one who is in control, who is not reacting
is Tywin. And that is the point of the first W. If you control WHEN a meeting starts, when
it ends, and if you can sit comfortably with silence, then you are taking control of that
first W.
We're going to talk specific tips for your own life at the end, but for now, just note
that Daenerys wins Round 1 in terms of handling the timing. Tyrion and Jorah are there when
she wants them to be there, and the conversation starts on her timing.
So let's now go to Round 2 and the second W, WHO matters more. I discussed in another
video how Tyrion is excellent at finding what other people want and making himself valuable
in that end. He's also excellent at making himself seem like he is the important one
in any interaction. So, watch now as he makes himself seem highly, highly important by acting
like he is screening Dany for a chance to work with him.
This type of screening occurs all the time in real life. Typically, an interviewer is
going to ask why an applicant is a good fit, but a good job applicant is going to flip
that at some point and say, "Wait a second, why should I come work at this company?" A
buyer typically will ask, "Why should I buy your product?" But a good salesman is going to
say, "Why should we work with you?" This is how people, who might be in a disadvantage
from the situation elevate their status and convey that they are the best choice.
Now, oftentimes, the WHO is more important question is going to be answered non-verbally.
So watch this example of Tywin and Joffrey to see how physical space makes each person
feel more or less important.
Clearly, this scene is shot in a way that makes Tywin come across as inferior. Joffrey
is lounging above him while Tywin stands beneath. And, indeed, this is how so many job interviews
are set up. They have a nice chair. You sit in a crappy one. Clubs, too, are set up like
this, with tables in off limits areas, velvet rope, all that kind of stuff.
In these situations, you are at a disadvantage as long as you stay in the inferior position,
which can be very tough to switch out of. Watch, though, in this clip as Tywin recognizes
his social inferiority in the situation and completely changes the power dynamic by refusing
to stay in that literally lower position.
And you see how quickly that bravado switches to nervous fidgeting, which is excellent acting on Jack
Gleeson's part, but the point is that ideally, that's what we should do when we find ourselves
in analogous situations. Without making a big deal of it, you can break the social ritual
that reinforces the uneven power dynamic.
So i mentioned interviews before just to give you an example. One of the things that I know
worked really well when I was doing consulting interviews was using the written part of the
case interview as an excuse to change your seating position, so you could slide over
adjacent to the interviewer to show your work, kind of like a teacher would with a student.
And that simple shift from moving from across the table to next to them, made it feel like
you weren't just proving yourself to them, but working together, and they would feel
it too.
The root of creating this kind of importance and status for yourself, though, isn't just
in saying why should I work with you, and then, switching physical positions. To actually
elevate your status, you need a deep-seated belief. Because like Varys says
Power resides when men believe it resides. It's a trick; a shadow on the wall and a very
small man can cast a very large shadow.
So, in order to have power, you need to believe that you have power, which is Joffrey's problem
with Tywin. Now you don't need to be like Joffrey. This isn't about feeling morally
superior. It isn't about believing that you matter more than other people. It simply means
that you believe that you do not need any specific person, that you have options, that
you may want to create a relationship with the job interviewer or a buyer, a boss, a
date, whatever.
But, then, you'll be fine whether you do or don't. Now, this can be tough to pull off
when your life is on the line, like it is with Tyrion in so many of his encounters.
But in terms of the situations that I've mentioned, job interviews, dates, sales, your best bet
is to mentally review the reasons that you don't actually need the other person. It's
to mentally review all the options that you really do have. Then you can move forward
from the position of it will be nice to get the job, to work together, to go on a second
date, but you won't come across as powerless and needy.
So, anyway, let's go back to Tyrion's position and explore the third W, WHAT you focus on.
Watch how Dany ask Tyrion a question, and rather than shooting back with a straight
answer, answering it in her terms, he begins a story.
See how Tyrion doesn't directly respond to her comment, but instead, tells a long-winded
story? He is controlling the agenda now. Dany is listening intently because it's interesting
to her. The story has a bit of mystery. Where is he going with this? What is the point?
And she puts together very quickly that he's talking about her, so it immediately becomes
relevant to her, and, now, Tyrion has her listening to him. Exactly the way that Jorah
wanted her to at the beginning.
You, in your own life, can direct what people focus on in a bunch of ways. You can tell
a fascinating story, especially one with mystery, or teach them something they didn't know.
The point is take their attention in any way that you can. Get them on the edge of their
seat, because once you've gotten that attention, you can redirect it wherever you want.
In the case of this clip, Dany goes right where Tyrion wants her to as soon as he finishes.
She asks him why she should keep him around. So check out what happens.
It might seem like she's still attacking him, but, now, they're at least talking in an area
that Tyrion has dominance over. How he can help her reclaim Westeros . He is an expert because he lived
there and she's not.
He shifted the WHAT of the conversation from "maybe I should kill you" to "How can you
help me?"Just with a simple story. So Round 3, WHO goes to him. And from here, so does
the rest of the conversation as he hammers home his social status by screening her.
And, then, moving up the stairs to switch the dynamic from one of an interrogation to
actually advising her.
And you can see that at this point, Tyrion has gotten what he's wanted. He is advising
her and she is listening to him. So, the final and fourth W is WHERE. Clearly, Dany had
this one sealed from the gecko. She started on her home turf with her guards surrounding
her, perched at the top of her throne.
But just to illustrate how powerful location can be, contrast her power plays when she
isn't in such a dominant location.
And they go without saying that you want people on your turf. If they're not, guide them to
your turf. Have a first date at a place where you know the people who work there. Hold the
meeting in your office. In short, whenever possible, do things in places where you have
status. Now, Tyrion probably doesn't think of it like this, but he perhaps has a very,
very firm command of these four W's. And even when he's physically outmatched, he's often
able to snatch back power from winning these mini conflicts over the 4 W's.
When he can't control WHEN the conflict occurs, he shifts to WHAT the person focuses on. If
he can't control WHERE the conflict occurs, he suddenly changes WHO is more important.
In your own life, you can start to notice these 4 W's and how they affect if you get
what you want.
The most actionable piece of advice I can give you, though, is to get your mindset in
the right place. And you do that by focusing on what you bring to the table that is unique
in any interaction. You do that by focusing on the options that you always have, whether
it's a job interview, a sales pitch, a first date, never walk into any of those situations
feeling like you need something, because that is the fastest way to communicate that you
can be walked all over and you will be.
Get your mindset back to your options. Be willing to walk if things don't work out and
you'll do better just about every single time. And just so you don't make the same mistake
that I did years ago, Not everything in life should be viewed as a power game where there's
a winner and a loser. It's a helpful perspective for seeing how you can be more assertive,
but don't get obsessed about it.
You got to balance an eye for power dynamics with the realization that sometimes the best
way to win is just to ignore power dynamics all together. I apologize if that's a little
bit too Zen for you. If you want me to talk more about that in another video, let me know.
But, in the mean time, if you're looking for something more concrete, we set up another
video that covers the four emotions that guarantee a great first impression every single time.
If you hit those in the right order, it doesn't matter whether you're in the bar, a club,
a board room, at work. It doesn't matter. These make an amazing first impression on
anyone because they're based on the emotions that generate that.
So, if you're curious what those emotions are, go ahead, click the box. It's going to
take you to a page where you can drop your email and you'll get immediate access to that
video and you'll understand what those 4 emotions are.
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