Hola, hola. I'm Wilmer Valderr--
Hey!
[ Sighs ]
Hey! [Bleep] you!
♪♪
[ Grunting ] What's up?
Just a couple more.
Aah. Ahh.
♪♪
All right.
After a heavy night of partying,
it's important to stay hydrated.
[ Slurping ]
There's one person who learned this the hard way.
It's Karrueche Tran.
While down in the hot, humid city of Miami,
Karrueche had an unfortunate encounter
with my least favorite thing in the world --
drugs.
Check it out.
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba, ba ♪
Hi. I'm Karrueche Tran.
And I want to tell you about the night my best friend
got in between me and my dream guy.
But it's probably not in the way that you think.
Small latte for Karr...
Karrueche.
Kawashya. Karrueche.
Uh, Kara-- Karaoke? [ Cellphone vibrates ]
Oh, wait, sorry.
Ooh! [ Squeals ]
I was super excited
because I got invited to a house party
hosted by this gorgeous... Hey.
...successful... Amsterdam!
...famous musician I totally had this huge crush on.
-Hey, girl, I'm on your wall. -Uh...
I don't want to say his name because he's super hot,
and I want to keep it a super secret.
Let's just call him "Super Hot Stud."
Sounds about right.
He didn't give me many details about the party,
but he did say I could bring a friend,
so I invited my best friend Jess.
Aaah!
She always knows how to have a great time.
[ Giggles ] Party!
But, like, the second she gets in the car...
Ooh! Whoo!
...she is already way too turnt up.
I'm ready to party!
Oh, my God.
What crazy drug are you on now?
I don't know.
I think it's bath sea salt or something like that.
All I know is the parking valet I bought it from in Reno
was very scared of it.
I got you one, too. Girl, unh-unh.
No, thank you. Oh, good. More for me.
[ Gulps ] Ooh! Oh. Oh, my.
Jess pops the second pill,
climbs her little butt up into the front seat...
I'm a doggy. [ Barking ]
Hi! You serious?
...and starts messing with the driver
while he's driving.
I love your bald head.
-Come on. -It's like a big, bald drum.
-Jess. -♪ Da-rum-dum-dum, dum-dum ♪
What the hell are you doing? He's driving.
Get off me, you freaking whack job!
I can't see the road, sweetheart.
The car starts going this way and crazy.
I'm trying to hold on.
Jess! Please, I don't want to die.
[ Tires screech ]
Thank you, bald drum head.
Jess is obviously having one of those kind of nights.
♪ The party's here ♪
♪ Don'tcha know? ♪
♪ Landing like a tornado ♪
♪ I'll bounce from place to place ♪
This party is even fancier than I expected.
I love a man with class.
Damn. It is hot in here.
I'm sweating my [bleep] off.
What are you talking about? The temperature is perfect.
I am so hot, Karrueche.
I'm taking my clothes off, every single article.
Party! [ Slap! ]
Jess, please stop.
Ooh. [ French accent ] Champagne.
♪♪
[ Normal voice ] It's raining champagne. It's raining champagne!
Jess, stop. Thank you, champagne.
What are you doing? Please.
[ Squeals ] So Jess sprints off...
Jess, wait. ...and I just sip my champagne
hoping nobody saw what she just did.
Disgraceful.
And then I see him.
♪ You're tu-ur-urnin' me o-o-o-on ♪
♪ Turn me on, turn me on ♪
♪ Lay me down, lay me down ♪ Uhhh...
And he is even hotter than I remembered.
He smiles at me
and comes over to welcome me personally.
Karrueche, you look like a dream.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, my God.
♪♪
My new floors are wet.
Is that champagne?
I-I--
[ Glass shatters ] Oh!
[Bleep] I got to go. I mean, I'll be right back.
[ Glass shattering ]
Oh, my God. Jess. Hello?
This one room is full of beautiful flowers,
and that's when I see Jess.
This couch tastes delicious.
♪♪
He loves me...
Tran: Jess is tripping so hard,
she ripped out every single flower out of the pot.
There's dirt and flowers everywhere.
Jess: [ Crying ] ...he loves me not.
Why doesn't he love me? [ Glass shatters ]
Karrueche. Aah! [ Giggles ]
God, Jess.
I need to run towards the light.
I try and stop her, but... Rocket!
...she runs out the place.
I start cleaning up her mess,
trying to put the flowers back together.
It's not really working,
but I know I have to stop Jess
before she gets into any more trouble.
Jess, you in there?
Make sure my office is clean. Do you hear me?
Tran: Jess! I'm having clients in tomorrow,
and if we don't land this account... Jess, you in there? Hello?
...we're screwed! And also...
Tran: This girl straight up thinks she's at work.
She's sitting in the bathtub
with Super Hot Stud's office supplies.
Are you talking to a stapler?
Um, yes. Are you a robot?
Come on. We got to go. [ Sighs ]
I yank her butt out of the tub.
-Whoo! -Ugh! Jess!
[ Giggles ]
So while I'm trying to save this man's laptop from drowning,
Super Hot Stud shows up at the bathroom door.
Oh, I'm sorry. God. Okay.
Karrueche, is that you? What?
I am gonna kill Jess if she ruins this for me.
Wait, who were you in the bathtub with?
Okay. This is a clipboard.
Huh, okay. That's weird.
Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
I'm gonna go use the other bathroom.
See, I'm not about to sell out my girl Jess
because, one, girls got to have each other's backs,
and, two, since I brought her here,
I technically am responsible for her behavior.
Eventually, I make my way to the dining room,
but I'm a little worried because I can't find Jess.
Shrimp: [ Echoing ] Hey, Jess, it's us, the shrimp.
Can you hear us? Hey, little shrimp.
Hey, girl. Are you okay?
No, I feel -- I feel great.
Oh, great. Seems like the drugs wore off.
Totally. Totally chill. I'm totally chill, mm-hmm.
♪ Aeeyo, Y-O-L-O ♪ ♪ YOLO ♪
♪ Aeeyo, that's all we know ♪
So I think she's starting to sober up,
and I can finally have my moment with Super Hot Stud.
I'm glad you asked me.
All right, cool. I'll be right back.
How do you feel?
Shrimp: Jess. Yeah.
It's time for a mission. Oh, my gosh.
Hey, Super Hot Stud. I want to apologize.
I haven't really been myself tonight.
Yeah, you have been acting kind of strange, Karrueche.
You sure you're okay?
Yeah, yeah. Everything is good.
Okay. I think I want to tell you something.
-What's that? -Whoo!
What the eff? Oh, my God.
Huh? Ow!
Oh, um, no, you --
you have such a nice house.
[ Giggling ] Thanks.
That's it?
No, no, that's not it. Just keep looking at me.
Hyah! Well...
Holy [bleep]
Tran: Is she juggling shrimp?
Oh, you like these moves?
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
You brought this girl, right?
She's amazing. Life of the party.
Uh, yeah.
Ta-da!
Somehow when I think Jess' bull [bleep]
is gonna get me kicked out of the party...
Hey, Karrueche. Come with me.
...it actually ends up saving the day.
[ Water bubbling ] Not long after that,
Super Hot Stud and I are chilling in the hot tub.
It's quiet. We've got champagne.
We're chilling, talking.
It's very, very romantic.
This is nice.
Yeah.
Something's happening here.
[ Chuckles ] I just really like you, too.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
♪ Damn, baby ♪ [ Chuckles ]
♪ Who-oa ♪
♪ You're in full control ♪
Hey, guys. Lollipop!
Jess, that's a cactus.
That's a cactus. Put it down. Oh! My cactus!
Ugh! Oh, God. Whoo!
Another lollipop.
Oh, my God.
Yum.
You're bleeding all over my cacti.
Aah!
Oh, my God.
It's delicious.
Get that out of your mouth. No!
[Bleep] [bleep] Now!
No!
It hurts, but I want more.
Aaah!
Might want to get her to a hospital.
Yeah.
[ Sad piano music plays ]
Tran: So I pretty much give up
on my best shot at everlasting love,
but, right before I leave...
Karrueche.
Wait.
♪♪
[ Music stops ]
Your friend has my snorkel gear.
Aughh. This is how I talk to the shrimp.
Uh, so, do you want to call me or...?
Yeah, I would love to have one of your friends
come over and wreck my house.
You should go.
And that's the last time I ever saw Super Hot Stud.
But I did learn a few things.
First, don't ever buy drugs from a valet in Reno.
Second, if I want to hook up with a great guy,
I'm doing that [bleep] by myself.
This feels like a face blanket.
The end.
Damn, that story got crazy.
Just goes to show you
that the worst thing in the world is...
drugs.
Stay away from them, kids.
They could ruin your chances
of landing the lover of your dreams
and may erectile dysfunction.
Here's a story from my brother Joe Jonas.
Check it out.
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba, ba ♪
Hey, guys. What's up? I'm Joe Jonas.
So, a little while back,
I'm hanging out at my house in L.A.,
and I go outside to check my mailbox.
♪♪
And I see an invitation to this girl's party in Miami.
Hmm. Yeah.
I'm totally psyched,
so I run as fast as I can to my band mate Cole.
Joe! Cole! Cole, Cole!
Check this out.
Who is this chick?
I was in Miami for a concert,
and I met this beautiful girl.
Dude. Dude.
Dude.
What does she look like? Dude.
♪♪
♪ Better than a lemon drop ♪
She's got long, brown hair...
♪ Sweeter than a lollipop ♪
...the most incredible body...
and these amazing, sparkly, blue eyes.
♪ Better than all these things ♪
[ Birds chirping ]
Jonas: For me, it's totally love at first sight.
Problem is, me and this girl don't live in the same city.
That's trouble. And for like a year,
I get stuck in this long-distance friendzone.
And I was like, "Maria!" Oh, yeah, that's crazy. Wow.
I told her to shut up, but anyways...
And all we can do is talk on the phone for hours and hours,
and I just want her so bad, I feel like I'm gonna explode.
Joe, are you listening? Yeah, yeah, I'm here.
Good, 'cause it's really hard to connect to you right now.
What? Yeah, mm-hmm.
Did I tell you about the fight I had with my mother?
Uh-huh. It's kind of a long story.
Totally. She was out of control.
That's so crazy. Yeah. It's not like it was my fault,
But anyway, you know, I mean -- [ Grunts ]
Joe, I feel like you're not listening to me.
What's going on? What is that noise? [ Grunts, sighs ]
Joe. Joe? Joe.
So I'm like, "Cole,
I swear this girl could be the one.
She's perfect."
And Cole's shaking his head.
Cole: Dude, no girl's perfect.
Every girl's got a thing.
She probably has some messed-up secret,
like a mutant toe or something.
Dude, that's bull [bleep] Trust me.
This girl is perfect.
If this really is your dream girl,
we should totally fly to Miami for her party,
see if you can finally close the deal.
[ Chuckles ] Done.
♪♪
So the two of us hop on a plane to Miami,
and the whole flight, I can't get Cole's whole...
Dude, no girl's perfect
...thing out of my head.
So I'm trying to get some rest,
and I start to have this dream.
[ Whimpering ]
This girl and I are finally hooking up.
Oh, yeah. I've been waiting for this for a long time.
The middle child is the sexiest.
Oh, I'm coming for you, baby.
Just please, Joe. Yeah.
Ugh!
[ Moaning ] [ Smooching ]
I'm so happy.
♪♪
You are one of the best dry-humpers I've ever had.
[ Blows raspberry ]
Maybe we should take our clothes off.
-Look at these feet, huh? -[ Giggles ]
-Let's free these baby toes. -Oh.
Jonas: But when we start to get undressed, I take off her shoe,
and there's this extra mutant toe
staring right at me.
Aah!
♪♪
Hey, Joe, want to go to the circus?
[ Chuckles ] Weird [bleep] like that.
Yeah. Dip me in horseradish.
Aah! Hey, you know where I fit perfectly?
Open wide!
Our flight lands in Miami, and I'm totally freaking out,
like, "What the hell could be wrong with this girl?"
♪♪
We run over to the birthday party.
The second we walk in, there she is...
♪♪
...looking so incredible with this sexy black dress on.
Oh, my God! Hey, Joe.
Jonas: But I barely notice
'cause I'm just staring at her feet
trying to count her toes through her sandals.
And when I finally confirm
there's 10 of the cutest toes I've ever seen,
I turn to Cole, whose jaw has just dropped on the floor
with how hot she is,
and I smile at him and say, "See? Perfect."
So she leads us on to the dance floor,
and everybody is going nuts.
[ Dance music plays ]
Suddenly, out of nowhere,
there's literally a record scratch.
[ Record scratches ]
Everybody stops dancing, the deejay grabs the mic
and announces, "Joe Jonas is in the house."
Wow! Wow!
Cole and I look at each other like,
"[Bleep] This is not good."
So then, suddenly, this girl's friends and family
start lining up to take pictures and autographs with me,
asking me to sign their butts and boobs and you name it.
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
Now, look, don't get me wrong -- I love my fans,
but, you know, I'm here as a guest, you know?
And I just kind of feel like a trained monkey
doing tricks for this people.
[ Monkey screeching ]
We've got to get the hell out of here.
The valet pulls up, we get in my rental car,
and then this girl comes running up.
I'm so sorry everybody was all over you like that.
Please don't go.
You know, I'm just gonna go back to my hotel.
The party's over anyway. I'll go with you.
Look, this car is only a two-seater.
Take a hike. [ Chuckles ] Right, Joe?
That's when she leans into the car,
and she says in this super sexy voice,
"If you let me come,
I'll give you cake by the ocean."
♪♪
Come on. I have my principles.
If she thinks I'd kick my best friend out of the car
just to hook up with some hot girl
I've been dying to be with for over a year...
well, she'd be right.
-Cole. -Move. He wants me.
Yeah, bye, see you later.
-Cole, Cole. -You've got to go.
Yeah, you're gone.
Get out of my way. Mm.
Bling-bling, pendejo.
♪♪
Jonas: So we finally make it back to my hotel,
and we are starving, so we have a romantic dinner
at this amazing outdoor restaurant under a full moon,
and it's perfect.
I order a bottle of wine,
and right before she takes a sip, she says...
You know, sometimes drinking makes me a little sleepy.
I don't really think anything of it,
so I make a toast and I say...
To the perfect night with the perfect girl.
[ Glasses clink ]
Things are going awesome.
We're taking this nice, romantic stroll after dinner.
And I'm thinking, "I'm finally in with this girl."
So she tells me, "Hey, let's get on this hammock,"
that was suspended between two palm trees.
-Look, over there. -Oh.
Whoo! [ Laughs ] I love hammocks.
Okay. Mm.
So we cuddle up,
we can hear the waves crashing in the distance,
and we're kind of flirting
in that "about to hook up" kind of way.
Would you like to touch my hair, huh, Joe?
Yes, it's amazing. [ Chuckles ]
Oh. Mm.
I've been waiting for this moment for over a year.
Oh, Joe. Oh.
I'm finally thinking to myself, "You know what?
It's go time. It's now or never."
So I lean in for a kiss, and something's off.
I lean back and look at her,
and she's 100% asleep.
Totally out cold, unconscious.
Are you kidding me?
[ Snoring ]
I swear this girl had like a half-glass of wine.
All right.
[ Snoring loudly ]
This is totally awkward.
So I gently try to wake her.
Gummy bears. What?
Rick Moranis. And she starts mumbling
random [bleep] I can't understand.
North Korea.
And no matter what I do, she will not get up.
So I try to, you know, rub her arm and try to wake her.
Aah! Ohh!
She swipes her hand and hits me so hard in the face,
so now I have literally got a bloody nose
and she's yelling gibberish like, "Don't touch my phone!"
[ Whimpers ]
So then I see hotel guests start to whisper.
[ Whispering ] Like Bill Cosby.
I feel like everybody's staring at me with this passed-out girl
like I'm Bill Cosby or something.
♪♪
[ Canned laughter ]
[ Canned applause ]
Now I'm totally freaking out.
I don't want anybody to recognize me,
so I'm starting to shake this girl.
On this stupid hammock, I'm shaking her a little harder,
little harder, she won't wake up.
And that's when this security guard
comes up to me and says,
"What the hell's going on here?"
And I freaked out, I jumped up, the hammock flipped over,
and the girl lands face flat on the grass.
You know what? I'm calling the cops.
This is not good.
I-It's not what it looks like.
I'm thinking, "I probably can make a break for it,
and this guy wouldn't ever catch me."
That's right when she wakes up out of nowhere.
I'm fine.
Huh?!
It's a freaking miracle.
The security guard slithers away.
That's when I turn back to the girl,
and she's out cold again.
I bet he drugged her. He looks like a perv.
No, she's fine. She's fine. She's just taking a nap.
She ran a marathon today.
Poor girl. Look how hairy he is.
I have no idea what's happening.
This girl keeps waking up and falling asleep again.
So I try be the nice guy and say,
"You can sleep in my room, I'll sleep on the floor."
And she insists that she wants to go home.
So I walk her over to get a taxi.
So the taxi's waiting at the curb.
She now is asleep standing up.
And as if it couldn't get any worse,
this enormously large
Arnold Schwarzenegger-looking cop comes up to me and says...
I'm here about the drunk girl.
So at this point, I have no idea what to do.
I'm 100% convinced I'm getting arrested.
In a flash, I see myself getting a mug shot, going to prison,
and catching the eye of a tattoo-covered inmate
who insists I call him "Daddy."
Yeah. Call me Daddy.
But just when this muscle head cop
is about to arrest me,
this girl wakes up again.
She's totally normal and tells the cop...
I'm fine. ...so he leaves.
So now this girl and I are just standing there by the taxi.
This time, she's saying nice stuff like...
Thanks for taking care of me tonight.
You're a real nice guy.
And even though this is the weirdest night of my life,
I'm looking at this gorgeous girl
I've been in love with for a year,
and our eyes are totally locking.
And I lean in for that kiss one more time.
I lean back, and I swear she is asleep again.
[ Shouting angrily ]
She wakes up a minute later. She gets in the car.
It's totally awkward.
The taxi takes off,
and I've never seen her since.
Standing there on the sidewalk, I finally realized,
"Holy [bleep] Cole was right.
This girl doesn't have an 11th mutant toe.
She's narcoleptic. That's her thing."
The end.
Well, I hope you guys liked our stories
and you learned something today, kids.
♪ The sound of your hello ♪
I'd like to thank my friends Karrueche Tran
and Joe Jonas for their amazing stories.
♪ The memories just won't go ♪
And Joe may not have found the love of his life,
but he also didn't get sodomized in prison,
so I guess it's not all bad.
♪ The way your eyes say yes ♪
I guess, all in all, you know,
sometimes you do get a happy ending.
No? Okay.
See you next time.