Today, I'm going to share with you the story of the one and only time that I did ayahuasca.
And I thought about not putting this on the channel but quite frankly,
I think that the insights are important enough that I couldn't
not share them even though this subject matter is a sensitive one because
it has left me and the people that I've been able to share these exercises with feeling
more joyous, more energetic, and more positive in their life and I didn't want to hold that back.
So the reason that it's a sensitive subject is because ayahuasca is a hallucinogenic
plant / habit-ending drug — or how you want to categorize it — that comes primarily from the Amazon rainforest.
It is illegal in the United States of America but tribes indigenous to the Amazon
have been using it for a long time in rituals and ceremonies and increasingly,
Westerners have participated as well.
So you should know that I did not go into this lightly; I went into this very, very deliberately.
In fact, the reason that I did it was because I'd had a breakup and I was struggling
and I'd had a number of friends tell me that this was something that was in the right time
to do and I said, "Okay," but I'm not the type of person to do drugs of any kind.
I've never smoked a cigarette, I don't drink caffeine these days,
I've never done anything with weed or beyond that,
and I don't even drink alcohol I except for a glass of red wine before bed because I heard that it was good for me.
So this was something I researched the heck out of and if you do decide to do this, you absolutely have to do the same.
So we arrived and the way that it works is that there is this circle.
And prior to sitting in this circle, you come up with an intention
and my intention is that I want to not feel the crappy feelings that I have about this breakup
of regret and wishing I could do things differently and not sure if I handled it appropriately.
And so that's my intention and there's a shaman who is the person who conducts
this entire ceremony where people sit and they pass out this brew
and everybody goes down and drinks it one by one.
Now, at first, you're just sitting there and after 20-30 minutes, I'm in this circle
looking across and the person across from me just grabs their bucket
and goes, "Blargh," and wretches right in the bucket and I go, "Oh, man. I'm in for it."
The person next to them a few minutes later just bursts out into tears and I'm going,
"Oh god, this is gonna sting," and then a few minutes later, somebody else cries
and I start hysterically laughing and I have to stop myself
because I feel guilty because these people are clearly having a difficult time
and I think it's so funny and then somebody else pukes again and I'm like, [Holds Laughter]
and I'm sitting there covering my mouth trying to restrain the hilarity that I feel
as these other people are having a really hard time handling it.
And I'm going, "You are such a jerk," but I can't stop smiling — this is too silly.
So that goes on for a little bit and ultimately, I decide that everything is starting to seem hilarious to me.
We were told specifically, "You can go outside but just don't go to this one area,"
and I immediately think, "I know where I'm going," so I stand up, I walk outside,
I go to the one off-limits area because — screw the rules — that's how I'm feeling right now; everything is a joke.
So I start kicking rocks, I'm twirling, and I'm behaving like a little kid, basically —
just like completely flaunting the rules and having a grand old time in the dirt.
And as I stand up there, I go, "Wait a second," I start dialoguing with myself,
"You are here for a reason. You were here to not just feel good;
this isn't a party drug. You're here to solve some issues with yourself and the way that you feel about this breakup."
And I hear back from myself, "Ha ha ha. You thought that you were gonna solve your problems by puking in a circle with strangers,"
and then that immediately makes me burst into more laughter.
Eventually, the shaman comes outside and gives me a stern look where he's like,
"What are you doing out here?" and brings me back in and I have to sit there
a little bit disappointed but immediately, I'm back to happy.
I steal someone's notebook because they're incapacitated
and I just start journaling; I just start writing like in seven-year-old handwriting —
it's ridiculous and that's how my night goes the first night.
The next day, you have a talking circle and everyone goes around the chairs
and share their experienced and I sit there and I say,
"First off, I'm sorry. I know there was one area that we weren't supposed to go to
and that I ran to but I couldn't help it. I felt I could have helped it but I didn't want to help it.
I got to be honest, I felt like a little kid and I was giddy and everything was silly to me
and it was a fantastic experience and I don't really know what to make of it."
And the shaman said, "First off, it's all it's all good but that was your inner child coming out
and I have seen this before and what happens is in people that have not had contact with
their inner child, it can come out with a bang and that was what happened last night
and I'm glad that you had that experience but it tends to happen when people have repressed feelings of joy for a long time."
And I sat there and I thought of it and I was like, "I don't know if that's me.
I have a pretty awesome life. Mine is this one breakup. I'm very, very happy.
I have a job that I love, I spent time with my friends, I get to hang out during the day or
the night and we have awesome conversations all the time. I don't know that that's me."
But the shaman says, "You know what? We're gonna do it again tonight
and all that I'd like you to do is when that feeling comes back up,
I want you to ask your inner child about the pain that they are having
because typically, when our inner child has been repressed, it's because they're in pain."
And I'm sitting there and none of this is really connecting with me.
I go, "These are all kind of weird Freudian Union terms that I'm not totally on board with.
I don't really agree with the diagnosis but I'm here so this is what I'll do."
So the next night comes around.
Back in circle, drinks come around. I take mine and it's immediate.
Immediately, I feel that presence of me and I'm stoked because here we are about to have a good time again.
I say, "How are you doing, inner child?"
He says, "I'm great." I say, "Awesome. I was told to ask you about your pain,"
and of course, I'm not verbalizing; this is all going on in my head.
And he says, "Okay." And immediately, I feel waterworks —
like this tremendous urge to cry but not everyone has taken their drink yet
and so there's a lot of people who are dead sober
and I go, "No, no, no. Not now; it's not appropriate — not everyone's drinking and they're gonna think that you're crazy."
And this part of me goes, "Okay. Well, it's kind of funny that you're such a jerk
that after all these years, you asked me to speak and show you something
and then you tell me not to. It's kind of funny that you're such an insolent jerk."
And I start to want to giggle and I go, "Yeah, that is funny. Haha!
But let's not laugh right now because that you know these people haven't drank,"
and this part of me said very clearly, "You care more about these people's opinions than you do about me,"
and I went, "Ugh," and then it said, "You never listen to me."
And very vividly, all of my resistance earlier in the day saying,
"I don't know if that's me... this inner child thing..." and I've realized
how often I do not express fully — as we all can't in common society —
the emotions that I feel whether it's just pure giddy joy or
when sometimes something funny where somebody gets hurt happen and you stifle it.
Or sometimes you're hurt and you're upset and you don't want to express it
or anger boils up and you go, "This wouldn't be appropriate."
In addition, I thought back to all the times where I thought I was playing
and I realized that there is almost no play in my life; all the things that I had —
I have a wonderful life but my job isn't play. No kid wants to do this.
An interesting conversation with friends? That doesn't count as play.
Going and getting a massage and treating yourself — again, really fun for an adult
but that's not fun for a seven-year-old child.
And as I look through all the things that I do to enjoy myself,
I realized that there is nothing that would constitute play.
And I went, "Wait. Music. I love music. I have my guitar; I sing all the time."
And then immediately, this part of me went, "You don't play, you practice,"
and I went, "Oh my gosh," because it's true; I haven't sat down and just played the guitar
without part of me thinking how can I get better in forever.
And there is been a part of me probably for the last 15 years that is constantly
has an eye on — how can you improve, how can you be better,
can we drill this, what's the most efficient way to do this...
and that is important for getting better at things
but it is the antithesis of actual playing.
So I'm sitting there and I'm feeling bad because I basically just shut my inner child down;
he showed me all these ways in which I have been a jerk.
And when I say he and me, clearly, these things are happening inside of me
but it feels like there's two separate entities.
And I start going through it and said, "Okay, we're here for this breakup
so let's go through it. You've been dating.
I want to just ask you some questions about the people that we've been dating."
So I go through it, "What about this woman?" and he says, "Oh, she's boring. I don't wanna hang out with her."
I said, "Okay, fair enough. What about this one?" and he says, "Boring. Not interested,"
and I went through the women that I was dating and this part of me had no interest,
clearly, because if you think what an inner child is, this is basically
a seven-year-old level of consciousness that's not really interested in hanging out with women.
I said, "Okay. Fair enough. What about our ex?"
and he said, "Oh my god, love her. Let's call her right now. I miss her so much. Can we please talk to her?"
I went, "What the heck is happening?" Why does this part of me have no interest
in the pretty much any other woman in the world but she is so close
and he immediately responded, "Because she takes care of me and you don't."
And again, these images and these senses hit me of all these times that I didn't think were important
but apparently, to part of me that had been incredibly repressed, were very important.
For instance, we did a charity campaign many months back
and we raised money for Charity Water and on that day, I was thinking,
"You know what? I didn't give people enough reason. I didn't raise enough money.
Our audience is larger than this," and I was disappointed in how much we raised
because I thought there's so many people that need help and I have to do more
and we'll do it again and I was trying to learn from my mistakes.
And I got a phone call from her on that day and she was in tears
and she was so hysterically proud of me for doing this campaign.
And on that day, I felt good but I don't know that it really hit me so I was like,
"I appreciate that but like this isn't that big of a deal. I wish I could have done better.
It was a nice thing to do and I'm glad I'll do it again for sure but I can do more."
And I didn't realize that that attitude of that, "Meh, good but you can do better,"
is how I treat everything — everything in my life.
Yes, I give myself two pats on the back but then there's always, "...and time, fix this.
And next time, fix this..." and there is just no clear space in my life
where I am just sit down and proud of the things that I've done and she gave that to me.
In addition, she was always encouraging of whatever feeling I had.
Say, I had this interaction and it made me angry and I'd be proud of myself
for having handled it with cool composure and she would encourage me in that moment
so she'll go, "But it's okay that you were upset. You're allowed to feel that,"
and she would encourage expression of emotions that I was going, "This isn't an appropriate way to behave."
And I realized that she took care of this childlike part of me
in ways that I didn't even realize were critical.
And when it came to me, I was like, "Why is it so hard to let go of this particular woman?"
it was because — I mean obviously, there's wonderful things about her that I thought I will miss —
but regardless, it came down to the fact primarily that I don't take care of myself in the way that she took care of me.
And I think that when you don't treat this aspect of yourself —
this childlike part of yourself — as something that is deserving of attention and needs to be listened to
that you can form codependent pawns pretty darn quickly.
So the rest of the evening went on like that with this dialogue back and forth
between my inner child — that I had now come to accept as a real enough entity
that I needed to talk to it and pay attention to — and myself
and I took a lot of things from it which this is the part that I think is
most important for for you guys who are watching;
the first thing is that there is a part of me — and everybody — that is childlike.
I think that our personalities and strong ways do live on
and in fact, it felt like it was part of my brain circuitry
that my head was like old decrepit highway that hadn't been used that — boom —
was like turned back on in that moment and I was having memories of things that happened
and my writing, if you remember, is like a seven-year old;
I was doing things in the manner that I did when I was a kid.
And we all grow up and you can't always be childlike.
You can't just demand, "Mine, mine, mine," you can't put off work forever,
you can't play all the time, you can't cry when you feel like it,
and laugh at people when they get hurt — that doesn't work in society.
So I and everyone else has time to grow up.
We need to be disciplined, we need to focus, we need to grow,
and we need to get stuff done and that's what I did for a long time.
And increasingly, my life became about getting better, growth, getting better, growth...
and any time spent where I couldn't clearly point how this had value in the future was a waste.
And I achieved a ton. I achieved so much and all of my friends I've watched
do the same thing; they're just like me and if you're out there and you're an achiever,
this is probably the mode you're in — you don't have time to waste for things that don't help you grow.
But I've realized that what you leave behind, when you cut out this frivolous,
silly, and time-wasting play is you leave behind joy.
You leave behind the ability to be fully integrated in your personality.
And you might not even consciously realize it as I didn't
but there's an aspect of who you are and who you were and that part of you
is not going away — it is in there — that you are repressing in order to achieve more.
And I've come to believe that there is no thing on the planet
that you can get or do or be recognized for that is more important than experiencing joy
and I'm not talking about, "I got the award and I feel good,"
I'm talking about I can go outside in the Sun and run in circles and kick a rock
and just feel silly happy for no reason at all.
And that has been one of the lasting things that has come with me
although it's not every moment of every day but I can feel joy for no reason
and it's incredible; it brings tears to my eyes.
And again, that's another thing — I didn't cry before this. I didn't want to shed tears.
And there was a period of my life where I probably went a decade
without crying and I will say all of the emotions and the the whole panoply
that I didn't think I had — anger, sadness, joy — I feel more intensely
and by god, it is absolutely worth it. So how do you do this?
Now, I want it give away without having to do ayahuasca
because I recognize that not everyone wants to
which is fantastic and not everybody has the means to. So what can you do?
What I recommend is to sit or lie down, take a few deep breaths...
and this is an exercise that actually psychotherapists in the Union tradition use —
the guy that I thought was a total joke — to contact their inner child
and connect with that part of who they are.
So you sit there, take some deep breaths, and you start to populate in your mind
an area or a space with things that you would love, say, from the ages of five to ten
And for me, that's like baseball cards, that's pokemon cards...
For me, I'm seeing a baseball bat, I'm seeing a baseball mitt, animals, puppies,
red airheads, like foods that I would never let myself eat today...
So you populate this whole area and then you invite your inner child
while you're sitting there with your eyes closed to come out
and you can see them a little version of you; I've sat and done this since
and I've had complete fascinating experiences — completely sober.
And I have said and I recommend that you say, "How's it going? How are you?
How have I been treating you? Have I been a good parent and steward to you?"
and then you just wait for the felt gut-level echo in your head response.
It's not like a word that you choose but you just hear it in your head;
this part of you is capable of communicating with you when you give it time and space.
I'm not saying you have to do everything this part of you wants.
My guy, when I asked him, he wants to eat junk food, play video games,
hang out with puppies, never work, and goof off and that's it.
And it's worth it sometimes but I don't do it all the time
but I will say that I went out and for the first time in 15 years, I bought a PS4.
I didn't know how to turn it on, it's been so long, but I play video games sometimes now
and the "wasted time" has been so worth it because that is me
recognizing there's a part of me that just wants to goof off and play
and saying, "Here's some space to do that."
So ask yourself what it is and then go create that thing.
You don't have to listen in every moment; sometimes this part of you will be like,
"You didn't let me cry or you didn't let me complain when I wanted to,"
and you can feel that emotion then. Sometimes, it'll say,
"I want to eat junk food," and you can decide if this is the right or the wrong time
but what's most important is that you acknowledge and don't demonize
this part of you as I did for a very very long time.
had nothing to contribute, and was total worthlessness
and I've since realized that it is the source of joy.
You can be happy without play but I really don't know
that you can have that giddy silly irreverent sense of joy.
So I hope that this has been illuminating to you.
If you have questions, I'm gonna do something new which is
tomorrow I'm going to go on Facebook and think at 11:00 a.m. Pacific time —
this is going to be Tuesday April 24th but I could be wrong about that date —
I'm gonna do a Facebook live stream; if you have any questions hop on there and
ask me as I'm happy to talk more about this but I've gone on long enough at this point.
I hope that you guys have enjoyed this video. If you would like to,
subscribe to the channel and hit that notification bell
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questions go ahead and click the link in the description to Like our Facebook page
and I think that will notify you when we are live or just go hang out on our page you'll see the live stream there.
That is it. I hope that you guys have found this video helpful and useful.
I hope that you do the exercise; it is so valuable to get in touch with that part of you
and it's it's made me more joy than anything and I could cry right now with joy.
So thank you, guys. That's it for this video; I'll see you in the next one.