- I don't know what it is.
I don't know what the fuck is going on,
but I think white women started it.
It's the worst.
The fucking worst.
It's all they do, is bitch, moan, and complain.
I had no idea how difficult it was to be a white woman
in the United States of America.
Evidently, it's really difficult.
Yeah, they're always bitchin'.
"Do you have any idea what it's like to be me?"
Well, I imagine it would be
slightly less awesome than my life.
What happened to you there today, sweetheart, huh?
Did they not chill your Rose?
You know?
Was the trolley not running down at the mall?
What happened?
No, it's unreal.
I'm really fucking annoyed
how white women have the fucking balls
to throw my white privilege in my face.
You know?
Start to separate themselves from these white males
with their white male privileges.
Like, bitch, you're sitting in the jacuzzi with me.
What the fuck
are you talkin' about?
Okay? Quit your fuckin' whining.
You know what? You're full of shit.
You are.
All those feminists are full of shit.
'Cause I'm gonna tell you right now, someday,
someday there's gonna be,
there's gonna be the first woman president.
All right?
Which means...
You don't even know what her fuckin' platform is,
and you automatically cheer.
"Ooh, ooh, it's got the same genitalia."
Fuckin', I'm telling you, they're not smart people.
Feminists, they're not as smart as they're coming off.
I'm telling you.
Someday-
there's gonna be-
By the way, it's gonna be my last show ever.
By the time this fucking thing comes out.
Someday, there's gonna be the first female president,
which means there's gonna be the first male First Lady.
All right?
And you wait.
You fucking wait.
The first time that dude opens his mouth
about some political shit,
you watch all these feminists.
They're all gonna be, "You shut the fuck up!
You shut the fuck up!
It is her time now!
It is her time!
She was elected, not you.
Go pick out some plates, bitch.
You are the First Lady."
McDonald's exists for two reasons, okay?
It's for drunk people, and it's for children.
All right?
That's what this thing is.
You know, you're in your car,
your kids won't shut the hell up.
You go to the drive-thru.
You go to the drive-thru,
you get a couple of poison burgers.
You throw it down their throats.
Their little systems can't handle it.
They start-
They start noddin' off.
And you're up front. You're bigger.
You can handle a bigger dose of poison.
You know what I mean?
Pop in your Def Leppard cassette,
you have a little moment for yourself.
Yeah. That's what it's for.
It's for your kids, and it's for drunk people.
Like how many times have you driven out to a bar,
goin', "I'm just gonna have one."
All of a sudden you had like 11, right?
And you're hammered.
And you're thinking, but you know what?
You're responsible.
You're drunk, but you're responsible.
You're like, "Goddammit, I drove my car here tonight.
Goddammit, I'm driving it home," all right?
"I'm not gonna burden this place of business
by taking up a parking space
in this completely empty parking lot
for the next six hours."
I am not advocating drinking and driving,
but I will tell you there's nothing better
than when all your friends and family know you're hammered.
There's nothing better than that walk to the car.
It's incredible.
Women are screaming.
People tearing at your clothes.
You feel like you're in the Beatles.
"Oh my God, no, stop-"
And you're like, "No autographs.
I'm sorry. I have to go.
I'll be back.
Get em' off me!"
You know why so many Caucasians need facelifts?
Because we don't know about lotion.
See that?
Only half of you laughed.
That should've been everybody.
Yeah, but a lot of you are sitting there,
like, "Well, what about lotion?
What is this lotion you speak of,
and what is the magic therein?"
I'm not judging you.
Not judging anybody.
I didn't know anything about lotion.
Never used it the first 33 years of my life.
Never used it.
Till one night, I was going out with this black girl, right?
She was getting ready,
and she was just putting that shit on everywhere.
Just slathering it on.
I thought she had like a rash or something.
Like what do they got, like poison ivy, you know?
What's goin' on with you?
She goes, "No, just making sure I'm not ashy."
I said, "Ashy?"
She goes, "Dry skin."
And I went.
I guess I freaked her out a little bit,
'cause I was like,
She was like, "Well, white people get ashy, too."
I was like, "Yeah, you know, I don't think we do."
Yeah, I've been alive for 33 years.
No one has ever said,
"Hey Bill, you're looking a little ashy."
I never even heard that word until you said it.
She's like, "You're an idiot.
Stick out your arm."
So I stick out my arm and ever so gently,
she just drags her nails down.
This smoke starts coming up.
It's like pastry flakes flying off, track marks.
She's signing her name.
She's like, "You see that?"
She goes, "That's ashy.
You're ashy."
Freaked me out.
I'm like, holy shit, I'm ashy.
I didn't know anything about it.
All I knew was that I always got itchy in the winter.
Couldn't figure it out.
Always got itchy in the winter.
Why the fuck do I get itchy?
I thought it meant the bath towel was dirty.
That's what I thought.
And I would change it out and put a fresh one.
Now I'm gonna be okay.
Take a shower, dry off, fuckin' itching again.
Goddammit, I hate the winter.
See that?
That's why you gotta hang out with everybody.
Yeah.
There's too much information in the world,
and every group of people misses a little bit.
White people totally missed the lotion seminar
at some point in history.
I don't know if it's 'cause we can't see it, you know?
Black people get ashy,
it looks like they like leaned up
against a chalkboard or something.
You know? They can see it.
They miss it, their friends help 'em out.
Like, "Look at your ashy motherfuckin' elbow.
What is wrong with you?"
Right?
We realized that, uh...
I dunno.
We always fight about the television.
So I'm like, well, "Why don't we, what about documentaries?
Why don't we just tape something we both like?
We both love documentaries."
They're fun, right?
You watch 'em. You learn something.
You repeat it at a party.
People think you read.
So I tape, you know, first one I tape is on Elvis Presley.
So I sit down, and I'm watching this documentary
as a white dude, which is what I am.
I'm looking out my white head watching this white shit.
It's coming back into my white eyes.
getting whiter by the fucking second.
Right?
Now my wife, on the other hand, she's black, right?
So she starts watching this shit as a black person, right?
And now she's seeing all the racism,
obviously, that I'm seeing,
but she was catching all this subtle shit
that I was too white to see.
But I knew I was missing it,
'cause I just kept hearing her huffing and puffing,
just sitting next to me being like...
And I'm just sitting there like,
okay, somebody did something.
I dunno what just happened.
But I don't think that was good.
So right when I didn't think it could get any worse,
it couldn't get any more uncomfortable
between the two of us,
this fucking white dude comes on,
who evidently discovered Elvis,
and he's like a hundred and fucking 90 years old.
And he comes out, and starts talking.
He's just like, "Well, uh, basically,
uh, I was looking for a white boy
that could take the down and dirty, nasty blues
and combine it
with the pristine angelic sounds of bluegrass."
Yeah. That's what he was doing.
He was subtly putting black shit down here
while he was propping up the white shit.
You know the down and dirty,
daddy not sticking around,
drug-infested neighborhood blues,
with the Jesus is white as me,
hair the color of the sun,
angelic bluegrass-playing music, right?
So at this point,
my wife has like fucking steam coming out of her ears.
So I make a judgment call.
I just fucking shut it off. Right?
And she looks at me,
she's like, "Why did you shut that off?
Why did you shut it off?"
I was like, "Because you were about three minutes away
from yelling at me like I produced this music."
And I'm gonna be honest with you, too.
People were too hard on that Clippers guy, man.
I'm telling you.
For an 80-year-old white guy, that wasn't that bad.
All right?
Dude, he didn't drop the N word once.
That's unbelievable for an 80-year-old white guy.
The N word should've been carpet bombed
through that whole tape.
He never said it once.
And if you go back and listen to that tape,
I'm telling you, go back and listen to it.
Other than Instagram, he's pretty fuckin' liberal.
He's like, "You can hang out with 'em.
You can have sex with 'em.
Just don't promote it on Instagram."
It was the weirdest, most compartmentalized like racism
I ever heard in my life.
Something about Instagram.
I didn't get it.
Other than that, he was wide open.
"You can make a snowman with 'em,
go to a water park, rub your bellies together.
Just don't promote it on Instagram."
"Hey, what about Facebook?"
"I don't give a fuck about Facebook!
"Keep it off of Instagram."
Yeah.
Dude, you understand?
The guy's 80 years old.
Do the math.
This dude was born in 1934.
That's 13 years before Jackie Robinson
broke the color barrier.
First 12 1/2 years of this guy's life,
he watched all-white baseball, and it was fine.
First 12 1/2 years, "Up next, Whitey Willoughby.
There's a line shot out to Peter Peckerwood.
What a catch!
Unbelievable. Into Chris Cracker.
What a great day.
What a great day for a ball game.
White baseball, white players."
Dude, his parents were part of the generation
that finished off the genocide of the Native Americans.
All right?
That's who taught him his ABCs.
I'm telling you, you can live too long.
You can live too long.
You, I'm telling you, you wear out your welcome.
I swear to God, this fucking guy,
I bet in the 1940s,
he was considered like a hippie, you know?
Just walking around.
"Hey, you can hang out with 'em.
You can have sex with 'em, man," you know?
His dad's getting all pissed off.
Lemme tell ya somethin', see?
Ya stay with your own.
Ha, ya stay with your own!"
So I'm on the road, right?
I'm in Reno.
Great gun town.
So go down to that little gun store, right?
Come walkin' in, there's some redneck there.
I'm like, "Hey man, I wanna get a gun."
He's like, "I hear ya.
What you looking for?
What you want?
Mossberg over/under, a .357 Magnum, right?"
Starts rattling off all this gibberish.
Right?
I don't know shit.
I'm trying to play it off.
I feel like a bitch,
'cause I don't know anything about guns.
So I was like, what do I do here?
Ah, hell, well,
I go, I'm gonna go with honesty.
I go, "Look, dude.
I don't know anything about guns.
They terrify me, but I'm worried about the zombies."
All right?
Dude was just like, "You need a shotgun.
You need a shotgun, man.
It's got a good spread.
It's easy to load,
doesn't have a lot of working parts, got a good spread."
He kept saying that.
"It's got a good spread."
I'm like, "What does that mean?"
He goes, "Well, it means you ain't gotta be that accurate.
It's got a good spread.
Further away you are, the more shit you hit.
Got a good spread.
In fact, you got a problem over here,
you ain't even gotta look.
You just turn, pow! That's it.
You ain't got a problem over here anymore.
Anything that was even remotely a problem
ain't there anymore.
Trust me.
And then these people here,
they saw what you just did here.
You ain't got a problem here either, feel me?
90 degrees taken care of right there, one shot.
These people get smart, flip it over, pow!
That's it.
It's got a good spread."
I'm not saying these people are right.
And I'm not saying that I'm right.
I know I'm a fuckin' moron, you know?
But that "Duck Dynasty" guy.
I know what he said was wrong,
but I don't get the shock.
Said that homophobic stuff,
and people are like, "Can you,
can you believe, can you believe it?"
Yeah, I totally can believe it.
If I was in Vegas, I would've put 90% of my shit
on that he was gonna say it.
I'd give him a 10% benefit of the doubt, just in case.
Are you seriously shocked?
Some redneck with a beard down to his dick,
sitting in a boat
in the middle of a swamp, shooting varmints.
Like, what did you think he thought?
Did you think he had like some progressive ideas
on same sex marriage?
Yeah.
Didn't he think,
didn't he think exactly
what you thought he thought, you know?
I think all of that shit comes from the church.
They just fuckin' brainwash you, you know?
You come down...
Don't clap. Don't clap.
I don't read. I don't read.
Follow someone else.
I'm telling you.
They brainwash you.
Coming to the church, your brain's all empty.
They just fill it up like a jelly donut.
Just brainwash ya.
♪ Say what we say when we say it ♪
♪ Say it again ♪
♪ Then you can go home to your toys ♪
♪ All right, I'll say it ♪
♪ I'll say it again ♪
♪ Now can I go home to my toys ♪
Right?
And you repeat everything they say.
The good, the bad, and the fuckin' horrific.
They stick a star on your forehead.
"You're a big boy."
"Looks like people like me."
You get on with your life.