Hey, guys! Welcome to another episode of Fi-days
where I talk about a topic that is personally important to me.
I'm gonna endeavor to NOT make this video thirty minutes.
Do we think that we can get there?
Let's find out.
Today, I'm going to talk to you about one of the most valuable lessons
that I've learned to date, which is that taking accountability
and apologizing for our wrongs is literally one of the most powerful,
meaningful and healing things that we can do in this life.
Huge claim, but I'm sticking by it.
Here are the two key reasons why I believe apologies are important:
Number 1: Giving an apology humbles us.
Do not underestimate the importance of humility, my friends.
In acknowledging that we have, in fact, done something wrong,
we are sitting with the fact that we are imperfect,
which therefore allows us to extend grace to others in their imperfections.
Yes, apologizing increases our own ability to forgive, which comes with humility.
They are a packaged deal.
Number 2: My apology to someone can help free that person from the pain,
the bitterness, the anger and the resentment...
- a lot of the time subconscious -
...that comes from me having hurt them, whether intentionally or unintentionally.
My apology can help validate the very complex emotional response
that was triggered by my actions when I hurt them.
In apologizing I'm saying: "Your feelings are valid."
"You have a fair reason for being hurt."
"I take responsibility for whatever I did or didn't do that caused those feelings,
and I'm sorry for the pain that I caused you."
We cannot underestimate the healing power of an apology, my friends.
The words “I'm sorry” are two of the most healing words
that you can say to someone.
And you can fight me on that; I'm sticking by it.
They have the power to wipe away pain and cause immense relief.
They are hard to say a lot of the time, but I hope that in this video
I can encourage you to sit with some of those hard questions such as:
"Why is it so hard for me to say those words?"
"Is it pride?" "Is it fear?"
"Fear of the response that I'm gonna get?" "Fear of being vulnerable?"
All valid feelings, by the way, but no less unpackable.
If you're watching this video and you're already thinking of a time in your life
where you could have apologized, but didn't do so,
and maybe you're feeling a teensy bit of regret,
there's a chance that it might not be too late,
and let me speak into that a bit.
Anecdote time!
And I tell this anecdote as a means of driving home my message:
Last year, someone who hurt me deeply TEN YEARS AGO,
reached out to me and apologized with great genuineness, humility and sincerity.
Now I didn't know how much I personally needed that.
But on the day that that apology came, it literally felt like a boulder,
that I didn't know had been there, was lifted from my shoulders.
And then I felt like my heart doubled in size.
Not just in love for the person in the humility and courage
that it took to come forward and apologize, but in love for myself as well.
It felt like I uncovered a gemstone about the meaning of life.
I was so inspired by this person's humility and courage that I was like:
“My goodness!"
"This is what life is all about!”
I know a lot of us don't get apologies when we feel like we should,
and that sucks.
I wish that all the people could apologize for all things.
But this particular episode of my life taught me so much about the human experience
that has since improved me as a person.
The hands are out.
So let me speak a bit more into that and explain why it might not be too late
for you to give an apology.
If you've done something to hurt someone, they are probably and most likely
subconsciously still walking around with that wound
somewhere deep down inside them.
They might have worked through it,
but even if they've spent thousands of dollars on therapy,
there's still a part of that wound, even as small as it is,
that can only be healed by an apology from the person who caused it.
Don't get me wrong.
I firmly believe that we can move on with our lives
and find closure without receiving an apology from the person
who caused the wound.
I've done it.
You've probably done it.
Power to you.
Power to us.
But there's nothing quite like the particularly nuanced brand
of healing closure and emotional release
that comes when the person who hurt you themselves
acknowledges the hurt that they caused you and apologizes for it.
I believe that in a perfect world, we would all apologize for all the things,
and all of our relationships would be just beautiful and rich.
Although, if we were living in a perfect world,
there would probably be no pride, and so nothing to apologize for
in the first place; but I digress.
Yet, unfortunately, the reality is: We live in a broken world,
and therefore reconciliation is needed; therefore apologies are needed.
I feel like you know this to be true deep down inside you.
Am I just saying a message that's really obvious?
And you, guys, are all like: "Duh, Kristin."
"Why do you need to make a video about this?"
Another anecdote time!
My aforementioned episode with the aforementioned person
who apologized to me after ten years inspired me so much,
because my heart had been changed so much, that I went on this journey of analyzing
my past relationships through a different lens
and asking myself who had I hurt and what was I responsible for
in terms of hurt that I caused people.
And having experienced this joy and love that I felt for this person
when they apologized to me after ten years, and how changing that was for my heart,
I made the decision to reach out to some of those people
from my past who I'd hurt in order to offer an apology.
Now this isn't something you should just do without discernment.
There's a lot of pros and cons that can come with this process.
And if you're not at a place where you are prepared
for whatever response you get from that person,
maybe it's not a good idea.
The reality is, you might not get any response from the person,
and I think you need to be prepared for that if you are going to reach out to someone.
But that's something for you to discern.
I'm by no means telling you to go out and do that;
just offering some perspective.
So having been inspired by this person who apologized to me,
I then reconsidered my past relationships
and reached out to the people that I'd hurt... some of them.
Thus, proving the message from my last Fi-days video:
Vulnerability begets vulnerability.
Cheeky plug: You can watch that video up here.
So one of these people to whom I reached out
was the person that I hadn't spoken to in four years.
It had been about four to five years since I caused this person the hurt.
In reaching out, all I did was admit fault, apologize
and speak into the beautiful person that I think she is;
which indicated that I'd done a lot of processing and reflection
on the matter; thus, proving my sincerity.
I'm not trying to say:
“Look at me! I'm so good at apologizing”.
I only had to apologize to her in the first place,
because I did hurtful things to her on account of me not being
a very good person.
Not to mention I only realized how much I needed to apologize to her
after someone else came and apologized to me first.
Those are not things I'm proud of, but it's part of the human experience
and it's now meant that I've learned some lessons
that I am happily sharing with you, guys.
The beautiful thing is, thankfully - and this is a huge credit to her -
this woman replied and reached out back to me in a very loving and receptive way,
and told me that my apology enabled her to close up a wound that she wasn't aware
she was subconsciously still holding on to.
This is a very real story that I tell you in the hopes
that it might encourage you to reflect on...
A) The power of an apology, in general.
B) Whether or not it is, in fact, too late for you to offer an apology
to someone you feel you might need to still apologize to.
It's never too late to love someone, which is inherently what an apology is:
Putting the other above ourselves in a way that can be quite hard
or embarrassing for us.
That's love; self-sacrificial love, right?
And don't underestimate the subconscious impact
of a wound unhealed.
And no, I am not an ENFJ.
And the thing is, after this reconciliation,
- which was deeply healing and life-giving for both of us, I'm sure -
we both just wished each other well, and resumed our separate lives.
Because the thing is, it was never about rekindling the friendship.
It was about... more so... settling a debt towards her that I felt I owed her.
So to speak.
As a fellow human being who very much believes
in upholding mutual respect and dignity in relationships.
So, friends, I'm sure you can see through some of these anecdotes
and through this Fi-days content that apology has changed my life
a thousand times over.
Listen to the hand.
Apologies provide healing.
They allow the person we're apologizing to to close a door to the past that they might
subconsciously still have open; thus, allowing them to move on.
They increase both parties capacity for empathy and love
and forgiveness and compassion.
They are humbling, and humility equals good.
And the great news is, once you've done it once,
it becomes easier to do it the second time, and so on and so forth.
Not because you're becoming desensitized to apologizing,
but more so because you are becoming humbled.
Provided, of course, that you mean the apologies.
Of course.
And not just saying them to tick a box or sarcastically like:
"I'm sorry. Okay?”
"I'm sorry that I caused you pain.”
"Fine! I'm sorry. Is that better?"
“What do you want from me?" "Okay, I'm sorry."
"Fine! I'm sorry. Just stop talking”.
That kind of apology...
Hmm...
Gonna doubt your sincerity on that one, my friends.
An apology can move mountains.
Yes, we've entered the cheesy metaphor phase of the video.
It can heal a broken heart.
It can provide someone with that game-changing moment
that inspires them to get up and get healing.
So I encourage you today, ladies and gentlemen,
to sit with this message and ask yourself the hard questions.
“Is there something deep within my subconscious that I know
I need to take accountability for or apologize for?”
Not mutually exclusive, by the way.
You can take accountability for things that didn't overtly hurt someone
like negative thoughts towards them, bad wishes, envy, etc, etc.
Ask yourself:
“Who am I not in good relationship with right now and why?”
And sometimes things feel past the point of fixing
or the person has already shown that they're not receptive to an apology;
and that's fine.
But even if this person is out of reach, you can still do the work within yourself
to take responsibility and grow.
I gave a particularly high stakes apology to someone once via message
and I never got a response; but it was okay,
because I knew that it was something that I needed to do for my own healing
and for my own sense of self-respect.
When you mean it, and you're ready for it, sometimes it's just good to say it anyway.
Maybe, even arguably when you don't mean it, and you're not ready for it.
Hmm...
Discuss in the comments.
So that's my message for the month.
I hope that my stories and my perspective were able to help you reconsider
your own view on the value of apologies.
I've provided some links in the description to additional sources on the topic,
including science (hashtag science) on the connection between apology and empathy.
As well as tips on how to give an apology.
Tell me:
Did you get something out of this video?
Did you relate to the stories? Do you have differing opinions?
Would love to hear them.
Leave your thoughts in the comments of this video.
And until next time. I will see you later, guys.
Have a great day; and God bless.
Bye!