-Thank you very much!
And welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show."
[ Cheering and applause ] Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you for watching.
Thank you for being here.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, we have some good news from overseas
in the fight against COVID. Watch this.
-The UK approved the Pfizer vaccine.
It makes the UK the first Western country
to give a vaccine to the public outside of trials.
-Wow! Everyone there
will have access to the Pfizer vaccine.
Apparently, the UK is now five hours
and five months ahead of us.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Americans heard and were like,
"I watch 'The Crown.'
Does that mean I can get it?"
[ Laughter ]
The news is so good, people in UK
got this close to showing emotion.
[ Laughter ]
[ English accent ] I feel a tear coming on.
Fight it! [ Laughter ]
Fight it!
[ Laughter ]
But this is interesting -- there's an order
for who gets the vaccine first. It goes
codgers, hags, blokes, mums, and, last,
[ English accent ] wankers. [ Laughter ]
That was interesting.
These are some strange times.
Right, now Americans are looking
at leader of the UK and thinking,
"I wish we had that guy in charge."
[ Laughter ]
The vaccine over there
is actually the same as American one.
The only difference is the British one
is drier and more sarcastic.
[ Laughter ]
I love that joke. [ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, I saw that Vladimir Putin said Russia
will also start vaccinating their people next week.
Yeah, the vaccine seems like a winner.
5 out of 5 Russian doctors recommend it.
[ Slavic accent ] If they know what's good for them.
[ Laughter ]
And this is great -- Russia's already working
on a vaccine for whatever is
in that vaccine.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, I'd eat sushi in Iowa on a Tuesday
before I'd trust a vaccine in Russia.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, some big news from Washington.
Yesterday, it came out that President Trump
might give Rudy Giuliani a preemptive pardon.
Well, now, he's thinking about the same thing
for his son-in-law, Jared Kushner;
and his kids Ivanka, Eric, and Don Jr.
Some families get each other sweaters for Christmas.
The Trumps get pardons.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Trump said he wants to focus
on taking care of his loved ones,
those closest to him,
and Eric.
[ Laughter ]
It's not a great look for your presidency
when your biggest accomplishment is
"Most Family Members Pardoned."
[ Laughter ]
It's pretty crazy. The last person
who needed pardons for whole family
was Charles Manson.
[ Laughter ] -Oh!
-Meanwhile, Mike Pence is also asking for a pardon,
for the time he accidentally glanced
at a picture of Kate Upton.
[ Laughter ]
[ Drums play ] Mother!
It happened! It happened again!
[ Laughter ]
It was scary for me, but I slept it off.
[ Laughter ]
Face-down on the couch.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, everybody, Trump is busy.
Last night he hosted a White House Christmas party.
He hosted a party.
And he made a pretty big announcement. Listen to this.
-Overnight, President Trump touting his success,
hinting at the inevitable, and suggesting
another possible run for the White House.
-Melania heard that and was like,
if you think I'm decorating this stupid house again,
you're nuts!"
[ Laughter ]
Really, another Trump presidency?
That's like the director of "Cats" announcing a sequel.
[ Laughter ]
You can tell Trump's serious about running again
because already claiming the 2024 election is rigged.
[ Isolated laughs ] If Trump --
Thank you, Seth.
[ Laughter ]
Always count on you, buddy.
[ Laughter ]
If Trump won in 2024, he'd be the first president
to serve nonconsecutive terms since Grover Cleveland,
which Trump thinks is the full name
of the fuzzy blue Muppet.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, in four years, Trump's either going to be
the president of the United States
or the cohost of "American Ninja Warrior."
[ Laughter ] But there was actually
another video taken of Trump's big announcement.
I don't know if you've seen this thing.
Listen to this.
-[ Coughing ]
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
[ Coughing ]
-Ew!
[ Laughter ]
-Ugh! A party without masks, people coughing everywhere.
Next, Trump's going to celebrate the eight nights of Hanukkah
at Walter Reed.
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, earlier tonight, NBC aired the
88th Annual Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Lighting
and I have to say the tree looks amazing.
It's somewhere between 75 and 80 years old
and good news -- at that age, the tree will be one
of the first to receive the vaccine.
[ Laughter ]
If you plan on seeing the tree in person,
it'll stay lit every day from 6:00 am to midnight,
pretty much like every parent homeschooling their kids.
[ Laughter ]
But, due to COVID, visitors can only see the tree
for five minutes.
In response, Dads were like --
[ Changes accent ] What are we supposed to do
with the other four and a half minutes?
[ Laughter ]
See it?
[ Laughter and applause ]
Oh, thank you. Wow, applause?
[ Laughter ]
Some business news -- I heard that Drake
is now selling a scented candle that smells like
himself.
[ Laughter ]
Imagine being a scientist and your boss is like,
"I'm pulling you off the COVID vaccine
so you can work on the Drake candle."
[ Laughter ]
Actually, Drake said it's not even pronounced "Drake."
It's pronounced "Drah-ké."
[ Laughter ]
-Ew!
-That's right, the Drake candle smells like
musk, ambers, cashmere, suede, and velvet.
I, on the other hand, smell like Speed Stick,
everything bagels, and Purell.