Are you guys here together?
Aww, that's sweet.
You guys in love?
You are? She didn't answer yet.
Strange. She still looks a little shell-shocked.
Maybe you should have checked in before you answered.
Real quick made sure that those feelings are reciprocated.
How'd you do that?
How'd you come to be in love?
Well, you're not gonna say-- are there single people in here tonight?
- Make some noise if you're single. - ( cheers and applause )
Okay, so now you're withholding information
from the rest of us, okay?
So cough it up.
How-- what's like-- how do you guys maintain your relationship?
Like, what's a word of advice that you would have for me?
And, like, how do you keep-- keep him from fleeing, you know?
The same for you.
- Conversation. - Conversation?
- Wow. - ( laughter )
Oh, God. Oh, no, please stop. You're making me horny.
( chuckles ) Conversation.
That's ridiculous.
If you don't want to tell me the truth, you just can say so.
You know, you don't have to make up stories.
That's fine. Thank you so much for your help.
No, I'm fascinated with people who manage to, you know,
make it work, stay in love.
I recently just went through my first break-up ever,
which was tough.
- Audience: Aww. - Thank you. No, you know, it's fine. Whatever.
You know what, you guys?
It means less when I have to ask for it, okay?
It really does, but appreciated.
Yeah, it was a really tough break-up on me.
Within three days of the break-up,
I cut off all my hair, started crying in public,
and doing yoga for the first time.
And I was like, "Oh, my God. I'm turning into a white woman.
What's happening to me?
I'm changing!"
The yoga has been very helpful though. I like that a lot.
At the beginning of yoga class, they ask you to do this thing,
they ask you to set your intention,
and I always set my intention for revenge.
( chuckles ) And I found that to be very therapeutic.
Really has been great. Oh, being single is the worst, you guys, it really is.
I know it's cliché to talk about,
but it's very difficult to be single right now.
Like, since the break-up,
I've been stood up on three different first dates by three different men.
Yeah, that's not even made up for the joke.
It's real. And it's tough.
Yeah, I know. I think the hardest part about that for me, though,
is just not knowing how those men died, you know?
Like, what happened to them?
Was it a grease fire? Some sort of animal attack?
It's the not knowing that hurts the most, you know?
It's very difficult. I don't know.
I'm just scared, you know? I'm panicking a little bit about being single.
I was single for eight years before I met this last guy,
and now I'm just afraid that it's gonna be another eight years.
I gonna turn 44, and I'll have had nobody in that time span, you know?
And that's a really scary prospect for me.
- Man: Aww. - Okay, no, no, no. Wrong.
You're reading my cues incorrectly.
It's crazy to me because I just gave you
so much time to do that math in your head,
and a single one of you motherfuckers gasped,
pulled your hair out in shock and agony at my age.
I am not 36 years old.
How dare you?
Listen, I get that that was more of a lie
and less of a joke, but I think the premise of the joke
that I would ever turn 30 is hilarious, you know?
'Cause it's not gonna happen.
Turning 30 is a lifestyle choice,
and it's not one that I agree with.
You know, hate the sin, love the sinner,
that sort of thing.
No, no, it's not for me. I won't be turning 30.
On the eve of my 30th birthday, we'll be walking into the river
with a pocket full of rocks.
That's how I plan on handling that.
I get why you guys might think that I was 36, though,
because I will look like this forever.
Until the day I suddenly and without warning
look like a pillar of salt ready to disintegrate into the wind, you know?
Sort of the deal we signed with the devil.
It's tragic, really.
But it's better than aging like you guys.