-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you for being here. Let's get to some news.
Guys, today the Bidens hosted the Obamas
for the unveiling of their White House portraits.
Yeah, the unveiling of the portraits took so long
because they spent the last six months
in the basement of Mar-a-lago.
[ Laughter ]
That's right -- the Obamas were at the White House
for the portrait unveiling, and it's a little different
than I thought it would be. Watch this.
-All set? Here we go.
[ Audience oohs ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That's the one they went with.
-Goodness! -Yeah.
-Can we see the actual portraits?
This is real. These are real.
Yeah. Yeah.
To sum it up, she looks like American royalty.
He looks like he's looking for a job on LinkedIn.
Can we -- Can we see that portrait?
Look at -- Look at Barack's portrait.
[ Laughter ]
It looks like he's about to introduce the new iPhone.
He's like -- [as Obama] "I'm a Mac and he's a PC."
"48 megapixel."
[Normal voice] Barack was like, "Give me something that could
double as a passport photo, if you don't mind."
I mean, come on.
Even the school-picture laser background
would have been better than what -- Come on.
That's what he should have gone with.
Well, get this. According to a new book,
Trump once owed a lawyer $2 million,
and he tried to pay with the deed to a horse.
That's how crazy Trump's life is.
There are 100 tell-all books,
and somehow there's still more to tell.
You know what I'm saying?
Speaking of trump, I read that when
the FBI searched Mar-a-lago,
they seized material that had information
on a foreign country's nuclear capabilities.
After the news broke, a Fox News host suggested
that Trump might have been trying to sell the information.
Trump was like, "Hypothetically,
how many horses do you think that would be worth?"
[ Laughter ] "Two horses?"
A lot of people are talking about this.
Tomorrow, former Trump aide Steve Bannon,
who is apparently facing a new criminal indictment,
is expected to turn himself in to New York state prosecutors.
Yeah. Can we see Steve Bannon again?
Yeah, that -- that --
that's what he looks like before prison.
Uh, it's interesting.
Some tech news.
Today Apple launched the iPhone 14,
and the early reviews on it are fantastic.
Apparently it got an 8-minute standing ovation
at the Venice Film Festival.
[ Laughter ]
-Come on! Come on!
-Eight minutes. Unbelievable.
-Come on. Eight-minute standing ovation.
For an iPhone! -At the Venice Film Festival.
Oh, my gosh.
The new iPhone --
[ Laughter ]
-Come on. That's a good joke. -Can you believe it? Yeah.
The new iPhone -- -Come on, people.
-The new iPhone Pro comes in four new colors.
Here are the colors. Yeah, ooh. -Oh, wow.
-The new colors are Darth Vader, R2-D2, C-3PO...
and Tinky Winky.
Uh -- Very -- It's fascinating.
That's right. Apple unveiled the new iPhone 14 today.
-I don't know what everyone just uses
the same type of phone for.
-What do you mean? What kind of phone do you have?
-It's a, you know, an Enron T-Minus-Plus.
[ Light laughter ]
-I thought -- I thought --
I thought Enron didn't exist anymore.
-They're b-a-a-ack.
And they make phones now.
Like, anything you can do on an iPhone,
I can do on this thing.
Except text. Or go on the Internet.
-Wait. It can't even text? -Don't need to, Jimmy.
Not when you got an amazing service like I do.
The Enron T-Minus-Plus has 1G technology.
-It has 1G? My phone has 5G.
-1G is just like 5G,
except I only get reception when I'm in an open field
or near a very powerful microwave.
-Yeah, I think I'm gonna have to
just stick with the phone that I have.
Thank you, though. -Your loss.
The Enron T-Minus-Plus
even has a virtual assistant, just like Siri.
His name is Ritchie.
[ Light laughter ]
Hey, Ritchie, can you --
can you tell me the capital of Belgium?
-I'm tired!
-I -- I -- I don't know.
That doesn't seem like a great phone to me.
-Up yours, Jimmy!
-Ha ha! This phone's the best.
Ritchie, you're funny, man!
-I'm tired! -Alright, Tariq
and the Enron T-Minus-Plus, everyone.
I don't know... -I'm tired!
-I know. I heard, "I'm tired." Yeah.
[ Applause ]
Guys, listen to this.
Juul has agreed to pay
over $400 million to settle a lawsuit.
Juul, the -- Not the singer.
I'm talking about the e-cigarette, yeah, sorry.
$400 million to settle a lawsuit that they were
illegally marketing vaping products to children.
[ Audience ohhs ] Yeah, that's not allowed, no.
But I think they're still trying to get kids to buy Juuls.
It's odd. Check out this product placement I saw the other day.
-Will you check my backpack
for something that can shine light into the cave?
-A rubber duck? A flashlight?
A refreshing mint Juul?
Did you say, "Refreshing mint Juul"?
Muy bien!
-Yeah, no. You see what I'm saying?
That's not one of the...
[ Applause ]
-That didn't seem right. -No.
Well, some news from overseas.
According to a new report, Russia is now buying
military supplies from North Korea.
-Ooh.
Yeah, Russia is asking North Korea for help.
Tell us you're losing the war
without telling us you're losing the war.
[ Laughter ]
Well, I saw that another cryptocurrency crash
could be coming, and a lot of people are pretty worried.
Well, luckily, there's a new product to help with that.
Take a look at this commercial.
-Are you suffering from heartburn, nausea,
and an upset stomach
all because you lost your life savings on crypto?
Introducing Crypto-Bismol.
-I was hit hard by the recent crypto crash.
I did everything you were supposed to do.
I hired a great business manager.
He's 15 years old and huge on "Fortnite."
That's why I'm glad I take Crypto-Bismol.
-I poured all my money into something called Dank Coin.
What is Dank Coin? I still don't know.
That's why I use Crypto-Bismol!
-Crypto-Bismol soothes your anxiety
after you wasted your kid's college fund
on a JPEG of a zebra with a Mohawk and braces.
Crypto-Bismol may be right for you
if you suffer from any of the following
crypto-related illnesses.
-Thank you, Crypto-Bismol. I feel better already.
-Crypto-Bismol. Now available as an NFT.
-Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You guys see this? Today, after more than two years,
New York lifted its mask mandate for the subway.
-Ooh. -New Yorkers are like...
[ Cheers and applause ]
New Yorkers are like, "Yeah, I'm so happy they lifted
the mandate that I stopped following a year ago."
Now the only thing covering your face in the subway
will be the armpit of the guy standing next to you.
"How you doing? You getting on this?"
Yep, you'll be able to see everyone's faces
as they follow the single Snapple bottle
that's been rolling under the seat since 1995.
I hope that's iced tea. Yeah.
[ Rim shot ]
-Apple juice!
-Guys, listen to this.
New York City public schools just announced that from now on,
snow days will be remote learning days.
[ Audience boos ]
During the announcement, both kids and parents were like,
"Wait. What?! Now -- What?!"
Finally, I heard that in an effort to reduce waste
caused by plastic espresso capsules,
a Swiss retailer is releasing an eco-friendly alternative
called "Coffee Balls."
-No. Ohh!
-Coffee Balls. That sounds like something
you'd sue McDonald's for.
Uh...
[ Laughter ]
It probably explains this new mug I saw.
"Don't talk to me til I've had my balls."
There you go. We have -- We have a great show tonight.
Susan Sarandon is here!
Julio Torres is on the show.
And we've got music from Fletcher!
Stick around. We'll be right back
with "Battle of the Instant Songwriters."