I'm going to tell you how to do that in this video.
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Okay, so take it or leave it,
I've heard that thousands of times,
it's usually out of the mouths of narcissist and
usually it plays early on in the process,
they come storming in, they want to make a big splash,
they start off at the beginning,
here's my offer, take it or leave it,
but it's usually to get attention.
I mean, t's really like they just want to get
everybody to be scrambling about and be scared.
They just want everybody to be like, shaking and quaking and
they want attention, especially if it's in a mediation,
they want the mediator to be like, “Oh my God, please don't leave”.
They want the other side to be like worried
that they're going to leave right away,
they’re like standing by the door and
it's really just to establish at the beginning that they're in control,
that everybody should know who the big person is here,
so that everybody can fawn over them at the beginning.
So, I would just say from the beginning,
everybody just needs to do what they want them to do,
which is really really give them what they want,
which is the adulation and
usually, at that point, when you give them the adulation,
they'll just start to calm down and
they'll realize that this is probably not the best thing,
because normally that whole take-it-or-leave-it thing,
it's not really the best thing even for them,
because they probably need to come to a resolution too,
because if they're in the negotiation process,
they probably need to come to a resolution.
Also, depending on what it is that they're negotiating,
I mean, unless it's really something that
they just seriously don't need to be negotiating at all,
they really just don't care at all if there's any resolution,
then they probably really don’t mean the whole take-it-or-leave-it thing.
So, you have to kind of glean,
Do they actually mean it? Or is this just them grandstanding?
Normally, it's a grandstanding demonstration
to early on, let everybody know
I'm in control here.
So, you start off by letting them know that,
Okay, let's just go ahead and give them the adulation that they want.
Especially if it's in front of people they respect,
so, if the mediator is there or somebody else,
the lawyers are there or something like that,
you go, “Okay, Mr. This or Mrs. That”,
or whoever it is that you're addressing,
whatever you need to say,
we can talk to you about that and
what's the issue that is most important to you?
Give them that respect and adulation that they want,
appeal to their ego.
So, that's number one.
And normally, when you do that,
you can kind of talk them down and
you can kind of get them to get off of that, all right?
So that's number one, appeal to their ego, use that addulation.
It's a form of neuro-linguistic programming, NLP,
I've talked about it like Mr. Rogers did,
I've talked about that in my book,
negotiate like you M.A.T.T.E.R and
I talked about how he used that when he appealed to congress and
asked for funding for his PBS station and
he would say things like “I care about kids, as I know you do”,
things like that, and he just was like,
embedding sort of commands,
like getting you to think the way he wanted him to think and
that's a really great way to sort of gain control as well.
I have more on “Phrases to shut down narcissists” by the way,
in my video on that topic and
you should definitely check that out if you'd like.
You just want to stay cool when they get like that,
don't be like, “Oh, forget it,
if that's the way you're going to be, forget it”.
Don't do that.
Because that just kind of heightens the whole thing and
you usually can talk them down out of this whole thing.
So, don't don't be like that, just stay cool.
A lot of times with narcissists,
this is just kind of a crazy thing,
but when you start to clarify with them what it is they're doing,
they get like weirdly defensive and they retreat.
So, here's this thing I'm going to say to you to do,
you can say things like,
what I'm hearing you say is you are not going to stay,
that you are refusing to come to a resolution,
unless we come to an agreement on this,
or you are going to leave today,
Am I hearing that correctly?
Something like that.
I mean, many times with narcissists,
when you mirror back to them what it is that they're doing
they don't like to hear their selfishness,
or their crazy behavior mirrored back to them.
Then, they retreat from their position, almost immediately,
they get like super defensive and
that is not what I said, that is not what I'm doing,
I didn't say that I was going to like not you stay,
I didn't say that I was not going to do that,
they almost immediately retreat,
it's kind of weird,
but if you just clarify back to them what it is they're doing
sometimes, almost immediately retreat from it.
So, I would just say number three is clarify.
You just say, “Oh my apologies, I don't quite understand”
or “Maybe we got off on the wrong foot here”,
“My apologies, but I'm hearing you say this”,
“Perhaps I said this wrong, but I probably said this, this way”
or something like that,
but you kind of like take the blame for saying something wrong
or something like that and
when you do that, they get disarmed and
then change their behavior right away.
It's a weird way of disarming people,
but by starting with an apology,
you can kind of get them to retreat from their behavior as well.
So, those are the four ways that you can kind of respond
to a take-it or leave-it offer.
Especially with narcissists, it definitely disarms them and
it gets them to retreat in a negotiation.
If you are getting ready to negotiate,
make sure you grab my free “Crush my negotiation” prep worksheet
at winmynegotiation.com.
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I am so glad that you stopped by here,
remember to slay,
remember today is always a great day to start negotiating your best life.
I will definitely see you in the next video.