-Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome.
Please, enjoy yourselves.
Gosh, I missed you guys.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show,"
[ Cheering and applause ] everybody.
♪♪
You guys, we are so excited to be back.
My heart is racing so fast,
I feel like I took pills from a Russian figure skater.
[ Laughter and ohs ] I really do. Ah!
That's right, the Beijing Olympics
are officially over, but there's still a moment
that everyone's talking about.
During a race on Saturday, in especially cold temperatures,
a skier from Finland suffered a -- well, just listen.
-A cross-country skier from Finland
experienced frozen penis while competing.
-Oh!
[ Laughter ]
-What? What?
What?!
[ Rimshot ]
-He used it to his advantage, though.
For two of the turns, he didn't even use a ski pole.
-Really?! -Yeah, it's very interesting to watch.
[ Laughter ]
-Thrrr! -People could tell
[ Laughter ] something was wrong when he was
doing a handstand under the hand dryers in the men's room.
Oh, my -- Thank God he's an Olympian
because I wouldn't have the hand strength.
[ Laughter ]
I feel for the guy, though. He's trained for years
and now that's what comes up when you Google him.
You know what I'm saying? -Aw.
[ Laughter ]
He went back to the locker room,
took off his uniform, and heard --
[ Glass breaking ] "Alright, here we go.
[ Laughter, ohs, and applause ] -Oh! -Clean that up. Oh!"
That's right, the Beijing Olympics are over
and the 2026 Games are in Italy.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Yeah. That'll be fun.
That'll probably be fun. When you win a gold there,
they just kind of palm the medal during a handshake.
They go, "Here, this is for you. [ Laughter ]
A little something. Come here, a little something for you."
[ Laughter ] [ Mumbling ]
Well, guys, the big story right now is
that the U.S. is all but certain Russia
is going to invade Ukraine.
[ Boos ] As we speak, Putin is flipping a coin like --
[ As Putin ] Heads, I invade.
Tails, I invade shirtless.
[ Laughter ]
Putin's about as undecided as when a server asks
if you want a side salad or fries. You go --
[ Laughter ]
"I think we know what I'm going to get."
[ Laughter ]
To avoid war, French President Emmanuel Macron
is trying to arrange a sitdown with Biden and Putin.
Yep, leave it to France to settle a problem
with a three-way.
[ Laughter ]
[ Rimshot ]
[ Laughter ] Ukrainian troops have been standing out there for months,
waiting for the invasion. Soldiers are like --
[ Slavic accent ] We're freezing out here.
And then, the skier from Finland is like,
"You don't know what freezing...
[ Laughter and applause ]
...is. Let's just --
Let's just be honest.
[ Cheering ]
You have no idea."
Meanwhile, in other news, former President Trump
just launched his new social media app, Truth Social,
[ Booing ] and it crashed shortly after launching.
[ Cheering and applause ]
I mean, I think it crashed.
I'm not sure. I read it on the Truth Social app.
[ Laughter ]
Some business news -- I saw that Family Dollar had
to shut down hundreds of stores
due to a rat infestation at one of its warehouses.
-Ew. -It's bad. The rats have already caused
dollars in damages.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, a man in Florida was arrested for a DUI
and is making headlines for telling officers
that he was high and happy when they pulled him over.
[ Laughter ] And this is real.
Can we see a photo of him?
[ Laughter ]
He looks like a guy who lives on the border
between Russia and Ukraine.
[ Laughter ] Can we see him again?
Yeah. They found out the man's identity.
He's the Olympic skier from Finland.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Really? -That's him, yeah.
♪♪
Happy Tuesday, everybody.
Happy Twosday. [ Laughter ]
-Ahh, yes. -With a "W."
'Cause -- yeah, "Twosday" because it's Tuesday 2-22-22.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Yeah, this only happens once every 100 years.
President Biden was like, "I didn't care then.
I didn't care now." I --
[ Laughter ]
[ Rimshot ] Speaking of the president --
[ Laughter and applause ]
Biden gave a speech at the White House
and said that Russia's invasion of Ukraine has officially begun.
Biden didn't mean to say that,
but Putin invaded his teleprompter, too.
[ Laughter ] Yeah.
Yeah, Biden said, "We will not put up
with Russian aggression,
especially on such an important national holiday, Twosday."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
2-2 -- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Biden also used his speech to announce a bunch
of new sanctions against Russia.
Yeah, nothing stops a dictator in his tracks
like raising his ATM fees.
Yeah, of course. [ Laughter ]
Russia was like, "We get two hours of sunlight
and eat potatoes every meal. What are you going to take away?
What are you going to take away from us?"
[ Laughter ]
Well, this is going viral.
A journalist in Ukraine was reporting the news
on the Russia crisis in six different languages
and nailed it. Check this out.
-There's been a war with Russian-backed forces.
[ Speaking Luxembourgish ]
Y mañana aquí en Kyiv con el presidente.
[ Speaking Portuguese ]
[ Speaking French ]
[ Speaking German ]
[ Cheering and applause ] -Whoa.
[ Rimshot ]
-Yeah.
He also knows six different ways to say,
"I'm ready to leave Ukraine now. Okay?"
[ Laughter ]
"We can make this a Zoom." Yeah, it's all good.
Some news -- Some news here in the U.S.
A woman running for Congress in Oklahoma has apologized
after she mixed wine and sleep medication,
yelled at a bunch of 12- and 13-year-old girls
at a sleepover, and then threw up in one of their shoes.
[ Laughter ]
The kids at the sleepover were torn.
They didn't know whether to help her or film it for TikTok.
They were like, "Aah!" [ Laughter ]
"Aah! This is too good."
Yeah, well, after -- Guys, after 25 years,
PBS just aired the final episode of "Arthur."
[ Audience "Awws" ] I know.
And it showed all the characters as adults.
Can we see what Arthur looks like --
this is real -- all grown up?
[ Laughter ]
Can we see that again? This is -- yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Apparently, he grew up to be your weed dealer.
[ Laughter ] Wow.
Finally, guys, this is kind of odd,
but a new study found that Viagra could be
a life-changing drug for dogs.
[ Laughter ]
It's pretty wild, but it's inspired Viagra
to come up with some new slogans.
Here, check some of these out. First up, there's,
"Viagra..."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up there's, "Viagra..."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, there's, "Viagra..."
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
-Well, guys, Russia's invasion of Ukraine continued today
and, in a controversial new interview,
former President Trump said Vladimir Putin is very savvy
and called his strategy genius.
[ Laughter ]
Keep in mind, Trump also used the words "savvy" and "genius"
to describe McDonald's Dollar Menu, so...
[ Laughter ]
Honestly, I'm not sure you want to be called a genius by the guy
who clogged the White House toilet
with classified documents. [ Laughter ]
"Just flush it." [ Laughter ]
Well, everyone's been talking about this.
Buckingham Palace announced that Queen Elizabeth has COVID
and is dealing with mild symptoms.
When asked how she was feeling, the queen said,
"Well, we're not talking about Prince Andrew, so a lot better."
[ Laughter ]
So far, the queen said the worst symptom
is Prince Charles coming in every four seconds
to see how she's doing. [ Laughter ]
"You doing okay, Mum? Okay.
I don't think you need that booster, Mum.
I think you can really tough your way through this one."
[ Laughter ]
Some entertainment news. This year, the Oscars
are planning to pre-record some awards before the ceremony
and air them during the live broadcast.
[ Audience groans ]
Even more insulting, before the awards are presented,
the announcer will say, "And now the categories
nobody cares about." [ Laughter ]
If they really want to shorten the broadcast,
maybe just skip the part where someone explains
what an actor is. [ Laughter ]
"An actor acts."
Some business news -- I read that Peloton
had a secret initiative called Project Tinman
where they hid rust on bikes that were sent out to customers.
And somehow this has been the best news
about Peloton all year. [ Laughter ]
It's actually good news because it means
Big didn't die of a heart attack.
He died of tetanus. [ Laughter ]
-Yeah, come on. -He looked healthy.
Now I get it.
Hey, I heard that IHOP just launched its first
plant-based sandwich at one location in New York City.
Yeah, it's for all the people who sit down at breakfast like,
"Do I want the fudge pancakes or the mung-bean sandwich?
Uh..." [ Laughter ]
Can't be fun eating a vegan sandwich while the person
across from you sprays whipped cream on his breakfast.
You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
Speaking of plant-based food, Kraft Heinz just announced
that it wants to make plant-based
Oscar Mayer hot dogs.
[ Audience groans ]
Oscar Mayer said they care about the environment,
then they kept driving across the country in a giant hot dog
that gets 3 miles a gallon.
[ Laughter ]
Well, this is going viral. A news reporter in Ohio
was out in the field reporting when he was surprised by someone
he knows pretty well. Take a look at this.
-It's because of --
This is my mom. Hold on.
-Uh-oh. [ Laughter ]
-Hi, baby! -[ Laughing ]
-I'm trying to work right now, and you over there
calling my phone. This is Deangelo.
You can say hi. -Hi, Deangelo!
-And don't be holding up traffic because you got cars behind you.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheering and applause ] -That's not bad.
Then his mom threw it in reverse and was like,
"I got some breaking news! Mommy loves you!"
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, parking here in New York City can be hard,
but I think this guy found a new way to do it.
Look at this.
Look at this -- [ Laughter ]
Look at that photo. Oh, my gosh.
You know a third car drove by like,
"I bet I could squeeze in between..."
[ Laughter ]
It'll be even weirder in nine months
when the Toyota gives birth to a smart car.
♪♪
Well, guys, the news is tough out there.
As you know, Russia is now at war with Ukraine.
It is a crazy world we're living in.
In fact, today, President Biden asked the CDC
to find a new variant just to lighten the mood.
[ Laughter ]
"Omicron 66? Does that sound cool?
The fun one?"
Yep, Russian President Vladimir Putin has launched
a full-scale invasion of Ukraine.
I think Putin has lost his mind. Even Kim Jong-un was like,
"You're not actually supposed to do it."
[ Laughter ]
"You dress up, you threaten, you..."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, World War III, a global pandemic,
the queen has COVID, rising inflation --
Billy Joel's already working on a remix
of "We Didn't Start the Fire." [ Laughter ]
He's got two good verses right there, right?
[ Laughter ]
That's right, it was just reported
that Russia took over Chernobyl.
Got to be a weird day at the Kremlin.
They're like, "Way to go Vlad, you now own...Chernobyl.
I'm sorry. What are we doing again?
What is the goal? [ Laughter ]
What's the endgame? What do we want?"
[ Laughter ]
Well, today, President Biden held a press conference
where he announced major new sanctions against Russia,
saying that every asset they have in America
will be frozen.
Trump heard and was like, "Oh, no,
they're gonna freeze me. [ Laughter ]
I'm gonna be frozen! [ Cheering and applause ]
I'm the new Han Solo!"
[ Laughter ]
"Chewie! Chewie! [ Laughter ]
This KFC is chewy. Get me a new bucket.
Bucket me!" [ Laughter ]
As a result of the sanctions,
the Russian stock market already fell over 30%.
When they heard, Peloton was like, "Eh, could've been worse."
[ Laughter ]
"In Russia, Peloton rides you."
[ Laughter ]
[ Rimshot ]
-Come on. Come on.
-Did you guys see this? Putin is rationalizing
the invasion of Ukraine by claiming that Russia
is fighting a resurgence of Nazism.
Meanwhile, the Ukrainian president is Jewish.
[ Laughter ] If he's a Nazi,
he's the first Nazi to ever get bar mitzvah'd.
[ Laughter ] That's a historical thing.
I saw that Hard Mountain Dew
hit shelves for the first time this week.
-Oh. -That's right.
That is Mountain Dew mixed with alcohol.
[ Scattered laughter, scattered cheering ]
And they're testing out some slogans to get the word out.
-Oh, really? -Yeah, take a look.
First up, there's Hard Mountain Dew...
[ Laughter ]
Next up, there's Hard Mountain Dew...
[ Laughter ]
And finally, there's Hard Mountain Dew...
[ Laughter, cheering, applause ]
[ Rimshot ]
Wow! That's -- They got to get the word out.
Well, hey, guys, here's some really sad news.
I read that, in the past few days,
Elon Musk's net worth dropped below $200 billion.
[ Audience "Awws" ]
That's right, Elon Musk is no longer worth
over $200 billion.
Now, when he flies to space, he has to connect in Cleveland.
[ Laughter ]
Sad. [ Applause ]
It's so... [ Chuckles ]
Elon was shocked he lost billions
and then went back to work on his latest project,
teaching Teslas how to mambo.
[ Laughter ]
[ Mambo plays ]
Finally, a man in New York was struggling to breathe,
and doctors found a tooth growing in his nose.
[ Audience gasps ]
[ Laughter ]
It's insane. The guy gets his COVID test
with a toothbrush. It's unbelievable.
[ Laughter ]
Asked how that happened, the guy said,
"Look, I took one sip of Hard Mountain Dew."
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
Well, guys, today some historic news --
President Biden announced that Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson
is his nominee for the Supreme Court.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Yeah, Judge Jackson actually has supporters in both parties.
[ Cheering and applause ] Yeah, the announcement was good.
It was good for Biden's approval ratings,
so he's going to nominate her again on Monday.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Oh.
-During his speech, Biden said,
"For too long...our courts, haven't looked like America,"
which means his next nominee will be a guy in a trucker hat
chugging a Hard Mountain Dew.
[ Laughter and applause ]
But this is interesting -- Judge Jackson actually clerked
for Justice Breyer,
whose seat she's nominated to fill.
[ Audience ohs ]
Biden was like, "I can relate.
I interned for FDR."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Meanwhile, all eyes are still on the Ukraine.
Today Pope Francis went in person
to the Russian Embassy in Rome to criticize the invasion.
You could tell the pope was mad because there was
white smoke billowing from his ears.
[ Laughter ]
Well, listen to this -- I heard that Russian oligarchs
are trying to get around sanctions
by purchasing cryptocurrency.
That's right, the oligarchs
are trying to hide their money in crypto
while the rest are frantically calling Jason Bateman
and asking how to launder it.
[ Laughter ]
Well, this is going viral -- on an episode
of "The Price is Right,"
someone noticed that a contestant
had a little trouble leaving the stage.
Follow the woman in the red shirt.
-80 and there's the 20.
[ Beeping ] Aw. Nice meeting ya, Kari.
-Thank you. -Good luck to you.
[ Buzzer ] Darin, come on over here.
-Go to your right! -It's Mr. Plinko himself.
What's going on? Won $3,000 on Plinko.
Give it a spin. Good luck to you.
Need a dollar.
[ Laughter ] [ Beep ]
[ Beeping ]
You want to say hi?
-Yes, I'd like to say hi to Melissa Camino
and Eric in Hawaii, yeah!
My family, my mom, my daughter Kiley.
-95, which, normally, a winner,
but you need a nickel right now
[ Beeping ] to tie it up.
-Unbelievable. My gosh.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
A second later, the announcer was like --
[ Changes accent ] Kari Johnson, come off the stage, dammit!
[ Laughter ] [ Rimshot ]
Eventually, she just gave up
and she started modeling the new cars.
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
-In other news, this spring break,
Miami Beach has decided to prohibit the sale
and consumption of alcohol past 2:00 am.
[ Audience ohs ] And this is a big deal for Miami.
I mean, this is --
[ Laughter ] for --
[ Applause ]
For most people, it's --
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, that's a party destination.
I'm sorry.
Sorry. Oh, can I help you?
No? Okay. Can we help you?
-No. -No, you're fine. Okay, sure.
Oh! [ Laughter ]
Okay.
Let's get back to the monologue here.
Okay.
[ Laughter ]
No, sorry, that is not --
No, down there is not a stairs, no, not at all.
Thank you. You can go.
[ Laughter ] Thank you.
She'll find her way.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ] Some business news --
I saw that --
[ Laughter ]
That way. You can just go out that way, please.
No. No, why would you go that way?
That way. That way.
Yeah, point there. Yeah. Thank you.
Good luck. There she is, everybody.
[ Cheering and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
The handle, the door handle, the door handle.
Push! Push, push, push! -She's pulling.
-Push! Push! -Pulling.
Push, push the door.
Someone help her. Someone push her out of here, please.
Please get this woman out of the building, somehow.
Please get -- Oh my. Yes, thank you. She's there.
[ Cheering and applause ] Oh, God!
Wow! Holy mackerel.
What?
-That's so cheugy. -My God! Oh.
[ Laughter ] Some business news --
I saw that Honda is investigating claims
of unexpected braking in nearly two million of its vehicles.
When they heard, Kia was like,
"And that's why our cars don't have brakes."
[ Laughter ]
Basically, every Honda looks like a kid
taking a driver's test.
[ Laughter ]
Is she still -- Is she okay?
Does she -- -Oh.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, she's not left the hallway.
She's just there. Oh, my.
And, finally, authorities in Pennsylvania
arrested a man for drunk driving,
but it's not your typical case. Watch this.
-Police say an Amish man faces drunk driving charges
after reportedly operating a horse and buggy
in a reckless manner.
Police say they started following the horse and buggy
and saw it go around a turn
and speed up as Byler locked the brakes
and slid the wheels, which caused sparks.
[ Laughter ]
The police tracked him down after a thrilling
two-mile-an-hour chase. [ Laughter ]
It's tough because he wasn't the one drinking.
It was the horse.