You know what I love?
Myself?
*dubstep music*
Yes, but a year ago I finally admitted that I hate myself.
I know that sounds super extreme,
but the first time I had the revelation of like,
"Wow, I think I DO hate myself!"
I really wanted to push it away and just deny it because it seemed so intense.
But when you think about the way you talk to yourself, most often, we say things like:
"You're so stupid, why did you say that?"
"You're terrible at everything you do. Just stop. No one cares.
"Uh, of course he left you, why would anyone wanna be with you?"
Which for some reason is totally acceptable coming from your head.
But if you separated your mind and you,
and you imagine that everything it was telling you is coming from a friend,
"That's probably the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life."
"Oh, your art is terrible. You're never gonna make it
You should definitely get a day job"
"Yeah, I mean obviously you're single.
You have so many issues, who would want to deal with that."
That friendship would not last.
You know when I became aware of how awful my self-talk was,
I also realized how those messages drove parts of myself I have been trying to change for years.
That I sacrifice my mental health in the name of work,
that I practiced poor boundaries because I'm afraid of speaking up,
that I tolerate disrespect in romantic relationships
because honestly, it's what I think I deserve.
So a year ago, I was like, okay. Well, how do I stop hating myself?
Because that's not a good thing
they say you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself
and I want to love someone else before I die!
And self-love, in particular,
seems like this like very abstract, rainbows and butterflies, intangible concept beyond
achievement cause there's no like physical measurement of success,
just this deep internal certainty and self-assuredness of one's worth
that I have never had and I cannot tell you what it looks like.
Until now! *angelic music*
You know, everyone has their own way of working on themselves,
but I've found the single instrumental tool in changing my self talk
has been journaling.
Specifically journaling affirmations that just emotionally resonate with me.
*meow meow meow*
Every single day for the last year,
sometimes multiple times a day -- I was in a bad place you guys,
I would journal and journal and journal
to combat all the negative self-talk that runs on the
default apps of my brain.
And the more I did this, the more aware I became
of what I was saying to myself moment to moment.
So I would catch myself being self-deprecating as a joke
or beating myself up about a mistake I made 10 years ago
or judging other people for stuff that really was about my own insecurities.
And I thought there would be like 30 steps or something
that I had to take in order to deal with this.
But honestly there was only one.
And that was changing my self-talk so it reflected the way I wanted to feel about myself.
And this is manifested very slowly over the course of a year.
I want to stress this 'cause I don't want to act like it's some
magical instant process, you know.
It took time and I'm still working on it a lot.
And I've been really surprised to find that self-love just means
taking a bunch of really small steps to communicate that I care about you/me.
You know, like, walking away from unanswered emails so I can get a good night's sleep,
not being afraid to leave the party early,
having a skincare routine,
being sober (that's a big one for me)
and being as patient, kind and encouraging to myself
as I would to any of my friends.
I'm Anna Akana, I wish you luck on your journey because
the world, and especially the internet,
would be a better place if we all loved ourselves.
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