( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS FIRST HEADLINE COMES FROM
FOX NEWS.
IT READS "BIKINI-CLAD BRIDE WEDS GROOM IN OVERALLS, CAPS OFF
FLORIDA WEDDING WITH ROLL IN THE MUD."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT WAS THE HEADLINE, THE
HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ "NORMAL FLORIDA WEDDING PROCEEDS
WITHOUT INCIDENT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HERE'S A HEADLINE FROM BBC NEWS.
IT READS "FRENCH MAYOR ISSUES BAN ON 'EXCESSIVE DOG BARKING'"
THAT WAS THE HEADLINE, THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ
"BARK AT ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH DOGS."
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S A HEADLINE FROM THE
HUFFINGTON POST.
IT READS "'DISTRACTED DRIVER' TURNS OUT TO HAVE 250-POUND PIG
ON LAP."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT WAS THE HEADLINE, THE
HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ "MAN HAS MASSIVE HOG."
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S A HEADLINE FROM "USA
TODAY."
IT READS "TESLA, SPACEX C.E.O.
ELON MUSK RELEASES RAP SONG 'RIP HARAMBE'"
THAT WAS THE HEADLINE, THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ
"THEY CAN'T ALL BE WINNING IDEAS."
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S A HEADLINE FROM SKY NEWS.
IT READS "CALLING LIONEL MESSI 'GOD' IS SACRILEGE, POPE FRANCIS
WARNS FOOTBALL FANS."
THAT WAS THE HEADLINE, THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ
"GOD PISSED AT POPE FOR MAKING MESSI MAD AT HIM."
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S A HEADLINE FROM THE
HUFFINGTON POST.
IT READS "AUSTRALIAN COURT RULES FARTING AT SOMEONE MAY NOT BE
BULLYING."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT WAS THE HEADLINE, THE
-- I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN IN THAT COURTROOM.
IMAGINE BEING THE JUDGE.
LIKE, HOW DID YOU EVEN GET THROUGH IT?
I MEAN, I THINK MY JOB IS SILLY SOMETIMES.
IMAGINE YOU'RE DISCUSSING WHETHER -- I DON'T EVEN LIKELY
KNOW HOW YOU DO THAT AT SOMEONE.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT IS IT -- I MEAN --
( LAUGHTER ) IS THAT YOU, STEVE?
( LAUGHTER ) STEVE, IS THAT YOU?
>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE GIVING THE SIGNAL FOR THAT.
>> James: YOU SAY "THE SIGNAL" LIKE IT'S SOMETHING WE HAVE.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, WHY HAVE YOU GOT THAT
NOISE ON YOUR KEYBOARD?
>> I JUST DISCOVERED IT, ACTUALLY.
>> James: YOU JUST DISCOVERED IT.
WHAT ARE YOU, 12?
( LAUGHTER ) COME ON.
COME ON.
WE'RE BETTER THAN THIS.
WE'RE NOT, BUT WE SHOULD BE.
YOU SHAVED YOUR BEARD.
>> YEAH.
DIDN'T YOU NOTICE YESTERDAY?
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: SHUT UP!
CAN WE PULL UP A PICTURE OF WHAT TIM LOOKED LIKE YESTERDAY?
HE WAS WEARING -- IT WAS QUITE -- I'M SAYING, IT WAS
UNDERSTANDABLE THAT I DIDN'T NOTICE YOUR SHAVED FACE.
>> QUITE UNDERSTOOD.
>> James: THAT'S WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE YESTERDAY.
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
I THINK IT'S PRETTY UNDERSTANDABLE WHY I
WOULDN'TNOTE THAT YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE HAD A SHAVE.
>> IT LOOKS LIKE I'M HAVING A SEIZURE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( SOUND )
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: RIGHT.
"AUSTRALIAN COURT RULES FARTING AT SOMEONE MAY NOT BE BULLYING."
THAT WAS THE MONTHS HEADLINE.
THE HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ
"APPEALS COURT SENDS CASE BACK TO HE WHO SMELT IT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND, FINALLY, HERE'S A HEADLINE FROM FOX NEWS.
IT READS "HAWAII LAWMAKER PROPOSES BANNING SALE OF
CIGARETTES TO ANYONE UNDER 100-YEARS-OLD."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT WAS THE HEADLINE, THE
HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ "YO MAMMA SO OLD SHE CAN BUY
CIGARETTES IN HAWAII."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT WAS "HONEST HEADLINES!"
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW!
STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!