Is there something about me that if other people know it or see it, that I won't be
worthy of connection?
What underpinned this shame, this I'm not good enough, was: Excruciating vulnerability.
This idea of in order for connection to happen we have to allow ourselves to be seen.
Really seen.
The one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection,
I took all the interviews where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way and just
looked at those.
What they had in common was a sense of courage, and so these folks had very simply the courage
to be imperfect.
They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others.
The other thing that they had in common - They fully embraced vulnerability.
They talked about the willingness to say "I love you" first.
The willingness to do something where there are no guarantees.
Initiating sex with my husband.
initiating sex with my wife.
Being turned down.
Asking someone out.
We live in a vulnerable world.
One of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.
We are the most in debt, obese, addicted, and medicated adult cohort in US history.
You cannot selectively numb emotion.
So when we numb those, we numb joy.
We numb gratitude.
We numb happiness.
And then we are miserable - I think that what we need to think about is
why and how we numb.
We perfect, but it doesn't work.
We perfect most dangerously - our children.
When you hold those perfect little babies in your hand, our job is not to say "Look
at her, she's perfect" our job is to say "You know what, you're imperfect and you're wired
for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging" We pretend that what we do doesn't
have an effect on people.
We just need you to be authentic and real and say "We're sorry!
We'll fix it."
This is what I have found: To let ourselves be seen.
Deeply seen.
Vulnerably seen.
To love with our whole hearts even though there's no guarantee.
To practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror when we're wondering can I love
you this much, can I believe in this this passionately.
And the last which I think is probably the most important is to believe that we're enough.
That's all I have.
Thank you.