- Hey everybody, happy Monday.
Now today we're going to talk about
why we can hate being alone.
But before we jump into that, are you new to my channel?
Welcome!
I'm a licensed therapist and I create videos
all about mental health.
And I am now releasing videos only on Mondays
so I can put more time and effort into them.
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Okay now let's talk about the fear of being alone,
otherwise known as monophobia.
Monophobia like all phobias falls under anxiety disorders,
under that umbrella, which is really important to remember.
Because phobia itself is defined as an extreme
or irrational fear or aversion to something.
But that in many ways, obviously these fears
can lead to symptoms of anxiety.
You can feel on edge, wired or worried
about what's going to happen if you have to face that fear.
So just remember that all phobias fall under the category
of anxiety disorders.
The specific fear of being alone can have
many causes and risk factors.
The most common of those are past trauma,
abusive or just unavailable parents,
and lack of proper attachment as a child.
Because there are so many different causes,
there will obviously be many variations of monophobia.
But today, I wanna talk about the three that I see most.
And the first is that we could fear being alone in public.
Like many with social anxiety or agoraphobia experience.
We can worry that other people are talking about us,
or that we won't be able to get out of there quickly
if we feel a panic attack coming on.
Whatever the trigger or worry,
having someone supportive with us can offer some relief.
And that's why I'm always talking about the importance
of having a support system in person.
So that you can have them with you at a very stressful
or maybe even any social event.
Now the second is that we could be too scared to live alone,
and I find this to be most common when we have experienced
abuse or violence, or had parents who were way
too involved in our lives growing up.
Hello diffused boundaries, AKA no boundaries at all.
And that kind of upbringing can stifle our ability
to feel secure, be on are own,
stand up for, and if needed, protect ourselves.
And I know it can seem odd
that two totally different situations
can lead to this similar response,
but it's really because both instances
take away our confidence.
Either by hurting us, or being overbearing.
We never get a chance to really figure out who we are
without someone else being involved in it.
Does that make sense?
Now the third, and the one variation
I wanna really dig into, is the fear
of not being in a romantic relationship.
We've all known these people or been these people,
who jump from one relationship to another,
without much of a break in between.
Now we usually do this for one of two reasons.
Number one, we may not know who we are
without someone else's influence.
This can occur because of addiction in the family,
because if you didn't know addiction causes
everyone else in the family to dance around
the person with the problem.
So we can spend our whole lives
letting someone else's actions dictate
what we do or don't do.
In therapy, we call this co-dependence.
And I have a whole video about that if you wanna learn more.
But this can also occur if we have someone in our family
who requires a lot of attention.
Maybe we had a sibling that required extra care.
Or a parent who didn't act like a parent,
and treated us like a friend.
Or I've called this before, like being the parentified child
when you're responsible for your siblings
and stuff like that.
And yes, I have a video about that too.
So you can watch that if you're curious.
But whatever it is, we have never been given the chance
to figure out who we are, or what we want
without having someone else weigh in on it.
Now the second reason is that we may not like
being alone with ourselves,
because that would mean that we have to recognize or address
what's really going on.
We can use relationships as a way to distract
from working on ourselves,
which really just means that our relationships
aren't ever built on a solid foundation.
That's why we hear that phrase all the time,
can't love someone else if you don't love yourself first.
And it's not as cut and dried as that.
But there is a lot of truth to that statement
because we can't find someone who is good and healthy for us
if we don't know what that looks and feels like, you know?
And I don't want you to judge yourself
because of this or think that makes you a bad person,
or a bad partner or anything like that.
It's just something to be aware of,
because once we know it's happening,
we can overcome it and go on to build healthy
and happy relationships.
Trust me.
So without further ado, let's get into
how we can work through this.
Now the obvious first step is to get into therapy,
and start figuring out
what triggers your fear of being alone.
Is it your parents were too involved in your life?
Or perhaps you were abused?
Maybe you had to be the adult in your household
from a very young age.
If you aren't sure what caused it, or just the thought
of trying to figure it out feels overwhelming,
maybe consider what role you played
in your family growing up.
That can sometimes help you see patterns or issues
that maybe you wouldn't have noticed otherwise.
And if you are in therapy, already,
you can let them know that you're trying to figure this out.
They may have some clever questions they can ask
to help you see things more clearly.
Once we know what triggers it, therapy can help us
find ways to heal or overcome it.
This could be through reparenting yourself,
processing the abuse you sustained,
or building up your self confidence.
But we have to know what caused it first.
And my next tip, and it kinda connects
with my first one is to start noticing your triggers.
Are there certain times you wanna reach out
to that old boyfriend or girlfriend?
Specific situations that cause you to get online
to flirt or go out with the goal of meeting someone.
The more we know about our triggers,
the better we will get to know ourselves.
And I know that sounds odd, but if we aren't able
to pinpoint what it is that's causing us
to hate being alone, tracking what triggers the impulse
can lead us right to it.
And I just have to insert this here
because it really needs to be said.
But who said being in a romantic relationship
is in any way better?
Who said being single is bad?
Because those are complete lies.
So just notice the stories you tell yourself
about being alone, or with someone.
And remember, that only you can give yourself
the love you need and deserve.
Everyone else in your life can only add to that.
But they won't be able to do that
if we don't know how to do it for ourselves.
And I just get annoyed of people feeling like
I should be married by now, or be in a serious relationship,
or have kids, or whatever.
Who said there's a timeframe on happiness?
Would you really be happier if you had settled
for a relationship that isn't what you really want or need?
Probably not.
It's so much better to wait until you feel good about you
and are able to find someone who's deserving
of all you have to offer.
Okay back into the tips, I just had to add that in.
Okay third, build up a non-romantic support system.
Since we may have a habit of hiding away
in our romantic relationship, focus most of your energy
on building up your other supports.
This could be online or in person,
just as long as it's platonic and supportive
to both people involved.
And just try to be aware of whether you're treating
your friends like they are your romantic partner
like expecting them to hang out with you all the time,
or return texts right away.
It could be hard for us to have healthy boundaries
in any relationship at this point.
So just be aware of this, and do your best
to be okay with your friends having other friends,
'cause that's normal.
And having their own life because they can still
make time for you.
They just have time for other things as well.
And that's really healthy.
And my final tip, spend some time getting to know yourself.
If we have always been in a romantic relationship,
or letting others decide things for us,
we may not know who we are or what we like or don't like.
So you could start about journaling about the goals you have
or things that you like and don't like.
Going for walks by yourself,
or even taking yourself out for dinner.
I know, imagine that.
And that one actually used to be one of my favorite things
so you know, it can be so freeing and just feel really nice,
and give it a try.
And you can also track your feelings each day.
You know, use a feelings chart and try to circle
three to five that you felt that day.
Or pick a few things out that you wanna try.
Like learning a new instrument, or joining
an adult sports team.
See what you like and do your best to try something
you haven't thought of before.
I know many people who's parents are overbearing
or abusive, push their own beliefs on to their children.
So even if you've been told your whole life
that you aren't creative or you aren't athletic.
Know that you most definitely could be.
You just never were given the chance to try it out.
I hope you found that insightful and helpful.
It's so common to hate being alone,
but there are things we can do to ensure
that we don't jump into relationships
just to fill a void from our past.
And as always, was there anything you felt I left out?
Do you think there are other reasons
that we can hate being alone?
Let me know in the comments down below.
And I will see you next time, bye!
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