- Let me ask you guys a question.
Shout out anybody in the room
who's ever broken anything during sex.
(audience laughs)
What, you broke something? Where were you?
- [Audience Member] A lamp.
- A lamp or a lamb?
(audience laughs)
(Sarah makes lamb sounds)
Where are you? There you are, love.
It was lamp. What kind of lamp?
- It had like a ceramic base to it.
- Oh, a ceramic base.
- And did it, just, was it like a movement
and then the top went of or?
- Yeah, pretty much.
- Did anybody get hurt or is it alright?
- No, it's all fine.
- So we've got a lamp stroke lamb from the lady over there.
Lamp is a good answer, thank you very much.
What else we've got?
A bed. Where are you, love?
Hello, flower, up there
And you broke a bed.
Was it fixable or did you have to buy a new one?
You got a new one.
Okay. There's lots of giggling going on there.
Is it the partner that you're with?
(audience laughs and claps)
I mean, I'm sorry but if you sit in couples like that
I'm going to make assumptions about you, flower.
So it's this lady here the one that's looking desperately
like she wishes she wasn't here.
So did you insist on the new bed?
Was it a chance to get a new bed?
"It was at uni,
And the landlord said we had to buy a new bed."
It was at uni?
And the landlord said you had to buy a new bed.
Did he come in and inspect it?
Did you lose your bond?
That's what happens, isn't it, when you fuck a bed to death.
Somebody's gonna have to go.
Was anybody hurt or was it all all right?
It was fine.
So we've got a bed, thank you very much, couple
who loves sitting next to each other so much.
We've got, so we've got a bed and a, and we've got a lamp.
What else we got?
- [Audience Member] The dessert table.
- The dinner table. Who said the dinner table?
A bird table?
(audience laughs)
Were you on the bird on the table?
What did you say, shout louder.
- I said dessert table.
- A dessert table.
All of my tables are dessert tables.
(audience laughs and claps)
I'm just guessing, but are you quite posh?
(audience laughs)
This is for the bruschetta.
Then we move over here and we've got.. I dunno
Sausage and mash...
Dunno
I can't even think of a posh main course.
Did you say a coq au vin? Fucking surprise.
(audience laughs and claps)
(laughs) He's got it on the fucking brain.
Do you really have a table just for desserts?
Yes.
- [Audience Member] I worked in a restaurant.
Oh, you worked in a restaurant
so you're really not posh, no.
And was it, did it have, why were you having sex at work?
I like that there's at least 60% of the room going:
"My sex life is rubbish."
(audience laughs)
So was the restaurant still open?
Were people trying to get their jelly and ice cream
from around you, and that?
- We were under the dessert table.
- Under the dessert table?
Don't I feel like a proper tit now!
See if it was me
I'd probably, I'd wanna be like riding in amongst it.
And then I'd just go, "you know what fella,
I don't really need you."
(audience laughs and claps)
Oh, creme brulee!
See, I thought of a posh pudding. Yes!
Did you get caught?
No. Well, now everybody knows
because it's on a DVD, isn't it?
They'd be like: "I think I used to
work in "Nandos" with her."
(Sarah laughs)
Dessert table is a good answer.
Thank you very much, love!
What else have we got?
It was...a what?
- [Audience Member] A rear view mirror!
A rear view mirror.
(audience laughs)
Okay. There's lots of questions here.
Hello, by the way! Was the car moving?
- No.
- No, okay. That's safety first.
Got to get that out of the way.
Was it knocked off with an arse, by any chance?
- I think so, yeah.
- You think so.
Did you not notice till you were trying to drive away?
There's, just, there's something not right.
No, it's not the spunk in my hair, it's...
(audience laughs)
That's normal, it's Tuesdays.
I can't seem to see behind me!
You still got it in the cleft of your arse, love.
(audience laughs)
Did it sheer off or just unclip?
Cause you can slot them back in, can't you?
Apparently. Shut up!
(audience laughs)
It was quite an old car. You are classy aren't you?
Having sex in an old car.
Well done!
Was it through the day?
- No.
No, no, no, obviously. I love that you're like,
What do you think I am, some kind of monster?
You know how everybody talks about dogging and everything.
And I don't know anybody who does it.
Maybe I do but every time I see two cars together
I just go: dogging.
Just, automatically.
One of them sometimes is a RAC van.
Dogging!
No, they're not!
So, a rear view mirror is a very good answer.
Thank you, flower.
Have we got anybody else?
(audience member shouts)
Blood vessels!
We've gone all the way from lamp to blood vessels.
(audience laughs)
Where were the blood vessels?
"You know, laying there as you do,
I thought he was dribbling on me"
You thought he was dribbling on you.
We need to no the rest or else I will not sleep.
Just put your fingers in you years
if you're already feeling a bit sick.
Did you just say: "You've all been there?"
"I was thinking there was too much dribble"
Too much dribble, it's a telltale sign pet.
You turned the lamp on and he looked like a butcher slab.
You looked like a butcher slab.
He was champion.
He was ready for the next go.
So yes, it would be a passion killer.
If it wasn't a passion killer
there's something wrong with you.
So you didn't actually work out where the blood came from?
- [Audience Member] His nose.
- Oh, it was his nose, but it could have been a lot worse
because probably the most painful one I've had so far
a man said he'd broken his banjo string.
(audience laughs)
It's about cocks, you should like this one!
Slapping them and that!
No.
If you don't know what a banjo string is,
you should just google it when you get in.
I'm not gonna to tell you, I'm not your mom.
Oh! It shouldn't be a mom that ever tells you that.
Things you need to know: what could snap on a cock?
(audience laughs)
(Sarah laughs)
I love that noise when you say banjo string
and a lot of the people in the room know what it is.
And other people are going: "Why was he playing a banjo?
I don't get it, it doesn't sound very sexy to me.
It's not a sexy instrument."
Thank you very much for that, flower.
God, I hope everybody's all right now, Jesus Christ!
There was a man actually,
I did a show and a man shouted out
that he'd broken his foot during sex.
And I said, did you carry on or did you stop?
And he said, "carried on."
And I recognise his accent, he was a Geordie.
And I thought he probably
didn't even put his fucking pie down.
I know it's a very personal question.
And I'm grateful to those of you who did join in.
Thank you very much.
What sometimes happens is people go,
"I'm not going to tell that in front of all those people
but I'll send her an email when I get in."
(audience laughs)
And I'm like, ooh I've got an email, ooh!
Although I have got a man who,
a man who sorts my website out.
So he actually filters my emails
mainly because I'm not very technical, but also
because for a while I was getting loads of pictures
of men's cocks just sent to me,
and now he can print them off, so I put them on the wall.
Just as a border, it's not too much.
Would you like to sleep in the cock room this evening?
(audience laughs)
Probably the best one that I've ever had by email,
a lady said she'd broken a man's pelvis.
Yeah, it was a one night stand.
She was on top, he was screaming.
She thought he was having a marvellous time.
(audience laughs)
But my favourite one in a show
lady said she'd broken a man's spirit.
(audience laughs and claps)
I think we've all done that from time to time.
I broke my vibrator once, that counts, right?
And normally when I break things
I give them to my dad to fix.
(audience laughs)
We canna do that.
So just watched it off the bedside cabinet
and got it going again! It's not really a joke that one,
it's just a tip for the ladies.
(audience laughs)
Hello, it's Sara Millican here.
Please make sure you subscribe to my channel
to stay up to date with all of my latest videos.
Don't forget to like, put a comment bellow
and why not stick around to watch a few more?
I'm sure those emails or those dishes can wait a bit longer.